Jumbled Thoughts

A lot has happened this week, but I haven't been able to "blog" for fear of offending someone or worse yet, for fear of writing things from my heart, or jumbled thoughts, that may not be God-honoring.

I read a lot of blogs. I got caught up one day on following links from one blog to another until something really caught my eye and my heart, and stopped my jumbled thoughts for a few minutes. Here's what I read:

One day, as I was walking and pondering, it was as if the Lord said to me, “Sally, if I took everything away from you that you hold dear, would you still believe in me?” It was suddenly as though God was shining a spotlight onto the deepest part of my soul, and I found at the very bottom of it, that with all the difficulties that a fallen world could throw at me, I would still rather hold on to my faith in God and believe in His love and goodness for the rest of my life, than to choose a life of existentialism and despair. But a realization came to me that this choice would require constant vigilance–that I would have to guard my heart and feed it with the truth of God’s word and His constance in my life...
...from this blog I found...

OK, so here's the thing. I remember when Todd was first diagnosed. I refused to believe he had cancer. When the facts sunk in there was just no way either one of us would believe that he would die from this cancer. I told God I couldn't live without him. I told God He had to heal him. I told God a lot, but God was good. He was patient with me.

Todd and I had publically and personally dedicated ourselves to raise each one of our children to love God. We had also given each one of them back to Him. We knew (especially after Winter Hope was born) that they were, in reality, already His children. In my mind Todd was not God's. Todd was mine. So Todd couldn't die. I know the faulty reasoning here, but please allow me to continue and try to finish this.

Since Todd died, I struggled with praying. Why should I? God was going to do what He wanted anyway, right? Our pastor often spoke on prayer, and one time I emailed him asking him why God didn't answer my prayers for Todd's health, along with a few other interesting and difficult questions. Here was his response:

"I feel very inadequate to try and respond to your questions as I often have more questions than answers myself.
In my reading today, I found this statement by a writer I highly respect: We live by promises not by explanations. God did answer your prayer and today, Todd is completely healed and in glory. Why didn't God heal him and leave him here? I don't know; honestly I don't have an explanation but I do have promises that I believe. I know God has a purpose and a plan. I know God didn't forget your prayers. I know that God has not forsaken you. I know God loves you with an everlasting love. You ask, where is God's love for Todd? I want you to think about that. God showed the ultimate love for His child, Todd, in promoting him to glory. Where is God's love for you? God gave the ultimate healing and promotion to the person you loved the most on this earth. If God gave you a choice to give supreme blessing to one individual on this earth, who, other than him, would you have chosen to receive the ultimate prize - the greatest of all eternal blessings? The truth is, God gave Todd the very best He has - eternal life in Heaven with Him. The whole time you were praying, God was answering your prayer; I can't tell you all the different ways, but He was working in everyone's hearts and lives in ways that we still may not see and understand now. In the seeming silence, God was answering and still is. I can't explain it but We live by promises not by explanations.
God loves you and your children; He has not forsaken you; He has a purpose and plan. His plan has worked for Todd's good and will work for your and the children's good. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true. Explain it, I can't; believe it, we must!
Three times we are told in the N.T. "The just shall live by faith." "By faith" means we are not going to have all the answers but we trust and believe anyway.
I don't have much at all to offer by way of explanation and there is so much I don't yet know and understand either, but I do know God's Word is true and His promises true even though sometimes I don't understand it all. I know God loves you and your children and that He wants to bless and use you all. I know Todd is with the Lord, rejoicing around the throne eternal and is infinitely better off than we are. I know, one day, we'll understand it all. I know, until then, we've got to go on serving Him by faith."

That helped a lot, yet for some reason I still have great difficulty in praying, especially for others' health. Since Todd died, several friends and relatives have been diagnosed with cancer and other serious ailments. Some have survived, others haven't. These past years I've lost four precious friends and relatives to cancer. However, I've felt numb, with hardly any feeling when I hear and read about their struggles. Yes, I feel guilty for this. I can't help it, though. There just hasn't been any emotions.

Then, for some reason I may never know or understand, some friends suddenly "appear" back in my life, and a few short weeks later, their Dad, a dear friend of our family's, is diagnosed with cancer. I cried! It was the first time in years I cried for another person's suffering. I prayed. I keep praying. I read of Buddy and his church annointing oil and praying over his Dad, and got chills and cried some more. This is good, right? But why does it hurt so much? I don't like the pain. I want to feel numb to it all, but the pain keeps coming. So many memories that hurt more than they did before, keep running through my mind. I don't want to feel these emotions, but they are coming in waves since I've heard about "Uncle" Chuck.

Yes, jumbled thoughts. Painful memories. But many lessons to be learned. God remains good and will always remain good. No matter what comes my way here on earth, I am going to choose, as Sally Clarkson has, to live by faith and to believe in His goodness...no matter what...