Friday, November 27, 2009

Soccer, Fall Clean-up, Thanksgiving: Missing Todd

The final soccer game and awards ceremony was last Saturday. Todd loved embarrassing the kids when they got their awards. Actually, he was just so proud of them that he couldn't help himself...but it was embarrassing (not just for the kids). Winter had a great season. It was her first long season, and I know Todd would have been proud of her. She played every game, all games, with all her heart. It was a blessing to see our little girl out there running around after so much that she's been through. It was a good few months, but every Saturday I missed Todd. I could hear him screaming, see him running up and down the sidelines, and even cry when one of the children scored a goal. Awards Ceremony was quiet without Todd.

I was so surprised when Nathan pulled up with the landscaping crew he works with and cleaned up our lawn. I was so proud of him, although a little nervous to see him riding around on that big mower and working that huge leaf vacuum! He's a hard worker, just like his Dad. I remembered when we got our first riding mower and Todd was teaching him how to work it. Todd stayed outside the entire time. He was there to push him up a slippery hill, or help him when it stalled, or move branches and other obstacles out of his way. Todd loved watching his son riding on that mower, and he never left him alone. I remember once when he had to come inside, he told me to stand outside and tell him if Nathan had any trouble at all. I hope Todd could see Nathan now. Watching Nathan made my heart ache for Todd and for his presence.

Thanksgiving was a little crazy this year. My sister and her husband, my brother and his girlfriend and her son, and Kimmie all came over for dinner. However, I didn't have to cook anything. nothing. Kimmie orchestrated the kitchen, and my sister and brother's girlfriend brought food, and we had a feast. I felt manipulated into having dinner here, but thankful for all the help. I missed Todd so much. Thanksgiving will never be the same without Todd lighting candles all over the, cleaning for two days before, seeing to every detail, calling his Mom and talking for hours, helping in every way possible, and always, always checking on me and seeing what he could do to make my day go easier. I miss that. No one cared or does care for me like Todd did. I know, you'll say God does! ..and that is true, but still, not in person. Not the hugs from behind when I was in the middle of something, not the whispered words, "I love you," not running out to get last minute things, not taking the baby from me....I miss Todd.

People say time heals and that it will get better. I wonder. Thanking God for Todd this weekend. I don't know when the ache will stop, but thanking God for my best friend in the whole world...