Wednesday, April 22, 2009


I'm having a difficult day today. Several years ago when I had a similarly difficult day, a friend shared with me how she combats these days: she wrote miraculous things that God had done in her and her family's lives on small rocks, and placed them in a bowl in the center of their dining table. She shared how the kids would frequently pick them up and read them, and even tell their friends about the different "neat" things that God did for them. Thinking this was a great idea, I gathered the children together, and we, too, have been writing on shells (Todd and I had been collecting shells from our vacations at the shore since we met) the things God has done for us. I needed to read them again today. One of the shells simply says, "friends."

God has given me some great friends. I am privileged to have several who I know regularly pray for me, and what's really neat about these few, is that they are not afraid to speak the truth in love. Everyone needs at least one friend who is willing to do this; I am blessed with several!

OK, so the reason for my difficult day? I'm dwelling too much on what I don't have. I've been missing Todd. In the grocery store, every aisle had some reminder of him. At home, the kids have been talking and talking about Daddy. Decisions had to be made. I continue to feel so incredibly alone and lost in this world without Todd. But that's not the real problem...I don't think.

Driving home I heard these words to a Rascal Flatts song: "What hurts the most, is being so close...and never knowin' what could've been..." You may remember Danny singing this on Idol the other week, but anyway, I began to get upset with "what could've been..." and could feel the anger growing inside of me.

Several years ago one of those extraordinary friends wrote me an email, saying she could sense an anger in my words and then she asked, "How dare you get angry at a God Who loves you and is caring for you and Who created you?" Of course I denied being angry at God. Not me. Then last year another friend wrote me an email almost identical to the first. She "accused" me of being angry with God. Me? No! I love God! Yet today, well, I wonder if those friends were correct afterall. I admit, today I feel angry. It comes and goes. It comes when I focus on "what could have been" and on my great loss. It goes when I read those shells and remember that God is in control and loves me and cares for me.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

My kitchen nightmare!

I'm not sure what Chef Ramsey would say, but this is what happens to my kitchen, in just a few short hours! I didn't feel like cleaning up after dinner tonight. I'll get it tomorrow...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

In God I Trust

Over the last almost 4 years now, I have found that God never changes and is completely trustworthy. People fail. Humans mess up. God doesn't. I would have told anyone that I trusted God for things when Todd was here, but the truth is, I trusted Todd for a lot of things as well. I trusted him to meet our finances. I trusted him to help care for the children. I trusted him with secrets. I trusted him to keep us safe. I could go on and on, but the fact is, I lost my rock. I am now learning that Jesus is the Rock!

Lately I've been noticing that our government and our society appears to be rewarding bad behavior and punishing good behavior. It was subtle at first, but last week a lady who worked for welfare actually told me that she was sorry, "We don't have any programs for people who are trying to do things right." This shocked me. I was silent for awhile. Yet we see it happening more and more!

When my son comes home from college and talks about the cheating and how the professors turn away or even encourage this, and he asks me, "Why do I even try to do it the right way?" I find myself wondering... Then we remember what Daddy always said...."It doesn't matter what other people do, you DO RIGHT!" He would remind us that we are accountable to God.

I miss Todd more and more as our society seems to be ignoring those words, "do right" and "in God we trust." I only pray our children choose to do right, and trust in God as our country begins to ignore these principles. I encourage you to pray for your children and to pray for our country...

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Surprisingly Sad Saying Goodbye to "Big Red"

As Nathan and I stood there watching them tow away our red van, I was surprised at the tears. I thought I would be happy to see that go. The opposite happened. All the took us 3 times to the Key West to visit my parents, 3 times to Disney World, and countless shorter trips to the Jersey shore. I looked one more time inside at the spilled juice stains (that Todd nearly had a heart attack over!), the worn seats and broken seat belts, and large gap between the front seats where Todd and I would hold our out-stretched hands as long as possible. I looked in the back, where we all took cover during a thunderstorm when we were camping one summer. That was a long night!

"Bubba" has even more memories, but the blue van is still here until tomorrow, when they will come for that one also. The end of our era with the vans. We're all thanking God for those vans. They've given us many miles and tons of fun together.

Now we're looking to making new memories and having even more fun with our new van! Still thanking God for our "miracle van" and enjoying it very much, but saying goodbye to our old vans is actually quite emotional. I know...pathetic.

Big Red left us a reminder in the driveway...

...thank you again, God, for our NEW VAN!