Saturday, June 21, 2008

Family Reunions

Today I took all our kids to my Grandmother's 96th birthday "party." I never was a big fan of family reunions...seeing aunts and uncles and cousins who we normally only see on these special occasions, once a year or once every 5 years or so. Todd, on the other hand, loved them. He loved talking with family, catching up, and hearing their stories over and over again from years gone by. He would make the kids listen to the stories, telling them how much they could learn, let alone the sheer entertainment of how my Grandmother would discipline my aunts and uncles, who all are grandparents themselves, many years ago (before there was television, car, or video game privileges to be taken away). Todd would find ways to get us up to the old farm where my Grandmother and uncle live, just to visit for an afternoon. Going back there today was bittersweet. I love my Uncle Andy. I love my Grandmother. But somehow being there without Todd was not fun. It was like an unspoken thought from everyone behind their smiles: "We sure miss Todd." One of my cousins was there who recently lost her husband, John. Todd and John would always be talking and joking together at these gatherings. As I talked with my cousin, we were both holding back tears. Even though we didn't say it verbally, we both missed our men. I could hear them laughing and joking. It was surreal.

Life will never be as it was when Todd was here. He was so much a part of so many lives. I feel lost again tonight. I miss him.

Yet once again I am reminded of God's promises, that He will never leave us or forsake us. I'm thankful for His tender care and for His love for us. I miss Todd so very much, yet I am thankful for his love for me and for so many. The words to that song come to mind again: "...I probably wouldn't be this way, I probably wouldn't hurt so bad...God gave me a moment's grace, cuz if I never saw your face...I probably wouldn't be this way..."

Thank you God for Todd.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Waves and Walking on Them

A friend sent me a devotional she had read about Peter walking on the water. Remember he was fine until he took his eyes off of Jesus? These lines from the devotional that was shared really stood out to me:

"If you are recognizing your Lord, you have no business with where He engineers your circumstances. The actual things are, but immediately you look at them you are overwhelmed, you cannot recognize Jesus, and the rebuke comes: "Wherefore didst thou doubt?" Let actual circumstances be what they may, keep recognizing Jesus, maintain complete reliance on Him."

The circumstance for me, living this life without Todd, is overwhelming. I am learning that I need to keep my eyes on Jesus, if I am ever to "walk on the waves" or get through this life circumstance that God has allowed me. God is good. I'm learning, slowly, but I'm learning. Trusting Him through every day/hour, leaning not unto my own understanding...

Whatever you may be facing today, remember to keep trusting, keeping your eyes on Jesus! It's the only way to walk on those waves!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Another Nature Lesson

Check this out. I tried to get a picture, but I don't think you can see it clearly. I was looking at the roses beginning to bloom again (from the rose bush that Todd had asked my sister to buy when he was sick, so that I would continue to get roses "from him"). One rose was in full bloom, but it looked odd. The main stem from which it grew, had been cut off (I was attempting to prune them earlier), but this flower grew sideways from just where the cut had been made, but only with half a stem!

God has been showing me some great things lately. He's been "growing me" in so many areas. It hasn't been easy. I still hurt and I still miss Todd with all my heart....but could it be God was showing me today in this flower that He can still "grow" me, even with the little that is left after His "pruning?"

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Friday the 6th

Another one of those "special" days is coming. I'm noticing more and more that those days themselves are not usually as difficult as I have made them to be. It's the anticipation, and sometimes the day after, that is the most difficult.

I am once again reminded of the day Todd entered into heaven. He did so on a Friday, late afternoon, in May. This Friday will mark our 37th month living without Dad. Our family is forever changed, but learning much, as we seek to please our good and loving Father. Although our hearts still ache, we can see God's care, provision, and love on our lives.

The children and I were looking through old pictures, and after hearing To Where You Are by Josh Groban, I had to put them together for a slide show. I couldn't end there, however. I added another song that has meant a lot to me....Trusting You. I hope and pray you are blessed as I was. God is good.