Monday, March 22, 2010

Going It Alone

I haven't really been able to find the words to write for quite some time; however, I was blessed in reading what someone else wrote, so I thought I would post it here.

Going It Alone

I hope you get a blessing from this as I did.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Living in Reality

This past Saturday would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary. This was my 5th anniversary celebrating alone. It's difficult to live in the reality that I will never again celebrate that day with Todd here on this earth. It's difficult to live in the reality knowing I will never see or hear or touch Todd again on this earth.

This anniversary was extra difficult. I spent last week helping a friend take her son to the hospital for surgery on his foot, waiting there with her, and then taking him home the next day (supposed to be a one-day procedure, but due to complications, he had to spend the night). The memories of being with Todd before his major surgery, waiting, then visiting each day, came flooding back. They were not good memories. I found myself crying a lot, and feeling the pain of watching someone you love suffering without being able to help. It was one of the most difficult weeks since losing Todd.

I also realized what it was, however, to live in the reality of knowing I could lean on God, trust Him, and collapse in His Arms, fully trusting Him with every emotion, every hurt, and every difficult memory. I've heard those words countless times, "Trust in God" or "Lean on Him" and even, "God loves you," but I think I experienced close to the full reality of those words for the first time. I don't know that we could ever fully understand those words. We say them so nonchalantly, but have you ever, ever truly lived in that reality? It's an amazing feeling. I'm so happy to say that truly, like David said in Psalm 18:2 "The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower"