memories...

Three years ago this week April 13th was on a Wednesday, and I was standing in front of four doctors at National Institutes of Health, after they had taken Todd back to his room. It was just me. My knees felt weak. They asked me if I had any questions. It had been a long two days, filled with tests and short procedures, and many tears. We were back for a follow-up after Todd's major surgery he had two months earlier. The surgery was to remove a large tumor that had overtaken his right kidney; the prognosis was hopeful to begin a new treatment at NIH to rid him of the remaining cancer, once he was strong enough after the surgery. He never got strong enough for the study in IL2...his only hope for survival.

As I stood there in front of the doctors, after they had just told Todd and I that the cancer had spread rapidly since the surgery, and that he was now ineligible for the IL2 treatment, I knew the question I had for them. I didn't want to ask. Looking at the floor, tears streaming down my face, feeling sick to my stomach, I muttered, "How long?" The response was delayed. The doctors shifted their weight. They looked at the floor, each other, and then began telling me more about the cancer and the type it was, etc. Finally they grew quiet. One of them said softly, "8 to 10 weeks." I couldn't hear or see anything. I felt dizzy. This wasn't happening. I had to sit down, because I had no strength in my knees. The four prestigious doctors gathered around me. They were saying things I didn't hear. I have no idea how long we were there. I knew Todd was waiting for me in his room. I had to get up. I couldn't move. Somehow I made it back to Todd's room. He had a big smile and said, "What happened, did you get lost?"

I can still see that smile. That's when I started hearing and seeing things more clearly. He was in incredible pain and exhausted, yet that smile....in that smile I saw his love again. I wasn't lost. I was right where I wanted to be.

God is good. I thank Him for the memory of Todd's smile and for Todd's love. It is something I will cherish forever. Thank you, God. Thank you for Your Love as well, and for your tender care for us. God is good.