I haven't written in longer than I realized. When thinking about my blog and what to write, I try at some point to remember and share how good God is. God is good, and He shows it in so many ways. This morning in church we sang one of my favorite hymns, "Count Your Blessings," but I couldn't finish singing without crying. Todd loved this song as well, and he would add words to the end of the lines and sing it often around the house. It made me miss him.
These last few weeks have had countless memories of Todd and many tears have fallen again and again. You would think after 35 months that the pain would lessen. You would think that the memories would decrease. You might even think that his voice and mannerisms are so far in the past that I would find it difficult to remember what it felt like to be held in his arms or tickled by his mustache. These things have felt more real to me than if he had died only yesterday. I taught Jr. Church for the first time without Todd today. I could hear him laughing and picture him making the children laugh. But for some reason, I couldn't even smile; all I could do was hold back tears. Even after 35 months, it still hurts more than I could express. The pain is deep tonight. I miss my love. I wonder how I can possibly go on without Him, and that's when I must turn to God's promises.
God promised He would never leave me nor forsake me.
God promised He would meet our needs.
God promised His love for me.
God promised Jesus would return and we will be reunited with loved ones (my Todd!).
Truly, GOD IS GOOD.
3 comments:
Wendy,
Keep on pressing on! Don't let anyone tell you that you should or shouldn't be feeling a certain way. I think your sadness is so deep because your love for Todd was so deep. You had such a wonderful relationship for such a long time that Todd is never far from your thoughts.
God bless and keep you, dear sister!
Love in Him,
Beth
((hugs)) and prayers for you and yours. I figure I said enough in the email- I'll spare you here =)
Spare me here?? I've read your email over and over the last few days. It's been a huge source of encouragement, so I'm going to copy a small portion here. Who knows? It may be an encouragement to others too! THANK YOU.
You reminding God of His promises pleases Him. He tells us to try Him....to prove Him. In my reading the other day I came across Psalm 147:11 "The Lord taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy." You know, he WANTS us to ask for his mercy...I believe He loves giving it to us- Mercy is our cry to Him of "HELP!!!"
I'm not going to say it's going to be easy taking all the kids to all the places. To be the only one to hear their issues. All that comes with being a 2 parent family is on your shoulders. But not your shoulders alone. God has much to say about the widow and fatherless. You hold a special place in God's heart that only YOU can have. I know it's not a place you want, but know He has special verses just for you and your family!!
With all of that said, it is so "easy" to say you should trust in Him because He's always there. Because He will never leave or forsake..but the truth is it's not completely tangible. And that's hard. After all is quiet and the kids are asleep it's lonely..very lonely. And only you and God know what your heart is really feeling at that moment- so I'm not going to pretend to know. Just know I love you, God loves you, and Heaven holds that much more for you. (...taken from Mel's Mom email.)
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