The days are just moving along. Some days I feel like I am riding the waves with my head above the water. Other days I feel as though the waves are just pushing me through the hours. Still some days I feel like the wave has knocked me to my knees and sometimes to my face in the sand, and crash over me, making it difficult to stand again. Thankfully, those days seem to be getting farther and farther apart, yet they still come. I hate the really big waves. I can't wait to get to the "golden shore" and be done with all the waves! phew. One day...
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Sticking with my ocean and waves analogies, I thought today how things were going ok, yet there is this constant "undertow" that never seems to leave. In the middle of a smile in watching Toby struggle to draw the letter "B," or in the midst of listening to siblings squabble over who got more cookies, there is this constant undertow of pain and missing Todd. It's always there. Everyday, all day. I'm afraid that sometimes it takes me off my "mark," and pulls me to where the waves are strong and overpowering. It's like a constant battle to keep those feelings of pain and sadness away, so that they do not pull me too far away from the shore. Sometimes when I get pulled too far out, I wonder if I'll ever, ever make it safely back closer to the shore where the undertow isn't quite as strong. I seem to always make it back. This must be God. He is still in control of the waves and the sea, just as He was in that boat with the disciples. "Peace, be still." Praise the Lord for the peace He can bring in the storms! He is so good. Thank you, God. You are my strength, my hope, and my salvation!
And yet some, dare I say, most people seem to think I should not be struggling anymore. Afterall, it's approaching quickly on 31 months living without Todd now. Shouldn't I be "over" this undertow, this pain, this missing him so much?? I try, God knows I try! But that doesn't change the fact that it is still here. I wonder if it will ever go away. I sit here typing this with tears in my eyes....I miss Todd, I miss his voice, his laughter, and his gentle and secure touch. I miss the confidence he gave me. I miss him so much.
We got rid of the pumpkins. The kids keep telling me, "Dad always started decorating the first of December, Mom." I guess Saturday we need to drag out the Christmas decorations. The undertow feels stronger than ever tonight. I pray it doesn't take me too far out to those big waves. I'm scared of those waves, but I need to find my strength to fight them with God's help. Help me, God. I need you more now than ever. Thank you for what I know you will do these coming weeks.
2 comments:
Dear Wendy,
I'm still here, thinking of, praying for, and keeping tabs on your blog. So glad to hear that you had a "good" day. I'm confident that as you lean on the Lord, the "good" days will begin to overtake the "bad" days. Yes, you will still miss Todd and think of him often, but God's grace and mercy will lift you up and keep you from going under those waves. BTW, the missing and struggling will always be there just maybe not as strong of an under current as they are now and have been.
I can't understand how people can put a time limit on when others should be over their feelings of loosing a loved one. When you've spent several years with someone, you will not simply "get over them" in a matter of months or even years!
God bless and keep you dear sister!
Praying that you will spend more time floating on the waves than be overwhelmed by them.
Love in Him,
Beth
Even the winds and the SEA obey Him- He controls the undertow so He knows you're there. He knows your struggling- He understands loss. Some say time heals all, I say time just keeps moving and takes us with it- regardless of our willingness to participate. One day at a time, mom..you're doing great. Todd would be proud of you and the kids.
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