The "Supposed To Be's" In Life

I recently came across a blogger's story (not even sure how I happened to find it) and soon found myself captivated. Today her fiance was supposed to come home with his unit from the war. She was supposed to greet him with hugs and tears. They were supposed to get married and have a wonderful life together. I cried a lot today, praying for her, thinking of her, begging God for His grace to envelope her today.

Then my heart turned to our "supposed to be's." Todd was supposed to be here when our oldest turned sixteen. He was supposed to see him graduate from high school. He was supposed to sing with us at the birthday parties for our children. He was supposed to help comfort and calm us in the face of sickness and injuries. He was supposed to grow old with me. He was supposed to be helping raise these children! I could fill countless pages with all the supposed to's. It doesn't help fill the void; it only makes it greater.

I realized today that our "supposed to be's" are the dreams, the hopes, the wishes of our futures. It's wonderful when our dreams and hopes become reality, but what about the "supposed to be's?" or the dreams and hopes that never become a reality? People say that's what makes a person strong. God's Word tells us it is the trials that should draw us closer to Him. "In your weakness, I am strong." We can read of Daniel and Joseph, who had numerous "supposed to be's," yet they found their strength in God. Their faith remained strong, and they moved forward. The more they depended upon God, the more God gave them the strength and grace to keep going.

My prayer is that I would find my strength in the God who loves me and keep moving forward. I have six children who need me to keep going. Sure, the "supposed to be's" hurt. Sure, living without Todd is a horrible nightmare. But the reality of all of this shows me the need to fall into the Arms of God and beg Him for the strength and grace to keep going.

Another day tomorrow. One day at a time. Keep going.

Who Am I?

I'm asking this question tonight, because as I sit here remembering who I was, I am wondering who I've become or who I am becoming. For more than 17 years I was living as one with Todd. When we were married God made two, one. I remember the words clearly, and I remember the pre-marital counseling as if it were yesterday. How does one then go back to being one?

We prayed together. We raised our children together. We slept together. We ate together. We did everything together. Now I'm, in every sense of the word, undone.

So who am I? I am still Mom. I am still Wendy. I am still the same person, yet I am not who I was when Todd was here. That's why I ask, "Who Am I?"

It's Impossible

I tried. I wanted to create a blog and just talk about my great kids, without bringing the emotional hurt into the writings in missing Todd so very much. I love my kids and thank God for them often. But it is impossible to write about them without missing Todd. I see Todd in their little (and young adult) faces. I hear Todd's voice and laughter when we are gathered together at the dinner table. And when we're playing, Todd is so very present....not just in my thoughts, but in the childrens' as well...in their comments and in their actions.

Here's an example. Today we decided to wash the dog. It was a nice
day and he was dirty. So we all went outside, coaxing the dog to the water. As we began washing him, we had to laugh. He looked so funny and so sad, too. Then someone said, "Did Dad ever wash Rocky?" Then the stories followed: "Remember when Dad would come home and Rocky would go crazy? All we had to say was, 'Daddy's home!' and he would go nuts."

Todd is everywhere. It's been 28 months and he is still everywhere, in our conversations, in our thoughts, and in our hearts. We all miss you, dear....even Rocky!

What happened to the tales?

Alright, I started this to tell tales about our kids, not to whine and complain about the hurt and pain in living life without Daddy. So, let's start again:

Abraham Frederick is the oldest. He just started his first year in college. Yes, college. It's hard to believe that. He's a college freshman. I remember when he was born....but all moms can do that. He's a great kid.

Nathanael Paul is our second born. He's a junior in high school. He loves driving Dad's van and loves the outdoors. He works for my nephew doing landscape work in the summers. He has two turtles which he spends way too much money on, but hey, it's his money and he loves his turtles. Nate's a great kid too.

Katrina Joy is our first girl. She is a sophomore in high school. She loves to write and does a wonderful job helping me care for her three year old sister. She enjoys working with young children. Trina works in the nursery at church a lot. She's another great kid.

Tiffany Grace is in seventh grade this year. She loves animals and we affectionately labeled her our "tree hugger." She adores our dog Rocky (a 7 year old yellow lab) and cares diligently and enthusiastically for the fish we have. In fact, she's named them all, including the snails and algae eaters. Tiffany is a great kid as well.

Winter Hope is in fourth grade this year. She loves animals like her sister and has a great imagination while playing with her stuffed animals. She loves playing games as well...ones she's made up or any game available. She is also a great kid.

Toby Faith is our youngest. She is the sunshine in our home, and always is making us laugh. At three years old, her blissful play and hard-to-understand pronunciation of words, gives us a reason to smile often. Toby is a great kid.

There's an intro to our six great kids. More tales soon...

How long does it hurt?

I remember when I first heard from the doctors that Todd was going to die. I remember that sick feeling in my stomach. I remember watching Todd suffer from the cancer, feeling helpless and desperate to make him feel better, and that sick feeling in my stomach again. But the worst feeling was when I found out that he was gone. Everything hurt. I had to either be held up by hugs or seated, because the world was spinning around me. I felt lost and suddenly alone.

28 months later and I sit here still in pain, missing Todd so very much, and feeling lost and lonely in this big world. People have said that "Time heals the pain," yet I wonder if the pain now is the same, or even greater, than it was twenty-eight months ago.

As I watch our children grow older, as the birthdays come and go, as the holidays pass, as the seasons change, my heart aches for Todd and the pain comes in waves, over and over and over again.

So I ask, how long does it hurt? Will life ever be happy again?

I love this song. I thank God and am reminded when I hear this song that I am truly blessed at having known Todd.

You can tell how selfish I've become

wow. I just wrote my very first blog on September 11th and never even mentioned how much we appreciate our soldiers and those fighting for our freedom. Never even mentioned how grateful I am to be living here in America. Never even mentioned how sorry I am for those who lost loved ones that day and how I pray for those families often.

Since I lost my dear, wonderful, lovable, handsome, loving husband to cancer 28 months ago, I've become selfish. I'm sorry. God bless the United States of America and all those fighting for our freedom!

In a few months, we'll have FOUR teens!

I know, I can't believe it either. Our third child just turned 15 a few days ago, and I suddenly realized that our fourth child will be turning 13 in December! yikes....that will make four teenagers in the house.
If that isn't hard enough to believe, add to that the fact that I lost my husband 2 years ago to cancer. We were supposed to raise these kids together! I'm still having trouble with the reality that Todd will never again be coming home from work and eating dinner with us. I'm still in a dream, hoping that the nightmare will end.
Yet the birthdays keep coming. The kids keep growing. Everyone is getting older. Four teenagers at once. I can only hope it will be as exciting as Todd and I both hoped it would be.