40 months

Sounds like a long time, but sometimes it feels like an instant. All the memories of Todd's sickness, those days in the hospital, the weeks here at home, and even that last day he was here with us, are all so close and vivid in my mind, making it feel like just yesterday.

40 months. God has taught me a lot. He has been our help, our strength, and our provider.

40 months. The children are growing up too fast. Time has stood still for me, and it's difficult to realize that we now have a 19 year old son in his second year of college, and in two days our oldest daughter will be turning 16.

40 months. That's a lot of months. Time moves on, despite my desperately holding on to the past, to the feel of Todd's rough hands, his soft touch, his thick hair and stubby beards, and, of course, that never-ending smile (I still see that clearly when I close my eyes at night!).

40 months. A long time. Oh, for one more touch, one more kiss, one more conversation...just one more day. Yet I was promised eternity with my Savior, the God of heaven, and with my sweet Todd. "I never felt more homesick than now!"

40 months. Thank you, God, for your care through them.

Fighting the system...and losing

After spending hours on the phone and standing in long lines waiting for people who I never saw or heard of before, I have come to the realization that I am fighting a lost cause against a powerful, immovable system. They're too big and they really don't care anything about anyone's individual situation, only if an individual meets the pre-set qualifications for the "system." I have heard that word used countless times this week. This "system" is screwed up, and it is also screwing up the people's lives that it was originally established to help!

I learned today that I and my older children are now ineligible for medical assistance because of the Survivor's benefit we receive. Praise God the younger children are all covered and considered "eligible," but get this: I apparently don't have enough income to be eligible for medical benefits from one program, yet I have too much income to qualify for the other benefits. Where does this leave me and the older children? Oh, but they told me today that if I was pregnant, I would be eligible for full benefits, including coverage on all prescription medications! I asked if I went and got pregnant, if next month I could call them back and be given the coverage, and they said "Yes, that is how the system is set up. If you become pregnant, then immediately you would qualify for full coverage."

I'm so thankful my God is in control and that this life here on earth is temporary. I'm so thankful Jesus is preparing a place for me, a place where I won't need to worry about who will take care of me or my children...God, the Creator and King of Kings will be our care provider! How cool is that? I'm so thankful that this "system" is not permanent, and that one day Jesus will rule here and make everything right. Praise the Lord.

But until then, well, I don't know anymore. I'm at a loss, and my loss of Todd is making me feel all that much more alone in this "system." This week I've felt like it's me alone against the unmoving, all-powerful "system." I feel so small and so alone. I miss Todd.