2 1/2 years

A friend wrote: "It seems so long, and yet it seems like time is flying. Don't know how it can be both ways." ...and she is absolutely right.

It's hard to believe that it has been two and a half years since Todd went to be with His Savior. I can remember every detail as if it were yesterday. I can still hear his voice. I can still see his smile. I can still feel his presence and see him in my dreams. And yes, I can still picture and remember all those horrible details of that last week, as he sufferred in terrible pain, as he grew weaker and weaker, as we watched him around the clock giving him pain medication...it all seems so fresh, yet it has been 2 1/2 years!

Psalm 23 has become very dear to me. It was given to us anew when a pastor came to our home to help us tell the children that the doctors did not think Daddy would live very much longer. (he lived for only 5 more short days after that visit) He shared with us Psalm 23, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me..." He reminded us that for those who believed in Jesus, there was no "death," only a shadow to pass through.

I remember my words to Todd on that Friday morning, reminding him of that verse and praying that Todd would fear no evil. Todd smiled. He wasn't afraid. It was only a few hours later when he passed through that shadow, knowing God was with him, and now standing in His presence.

I miss Todd and I'm "homesick" tonight...homesick for heaven, my home one day. Again, that song comes to mind and again I pray the words:

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again


I could never express in words how much I miss Todd and how much my heart still feels broken. As the holidays draw closer, I ache to see him again, to be held in his arms again, to share so many things with him, but once again, I face these days alone. Yet, God has promised He will be my Shepherd and will never leave me nor forsake me. "For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." I must hold those words close to my aching and broken heart. I must keep trusting my God, my Shepherd, and my Savior. Heaven has never felt so real to me, and my salvation never more precious... God is good. I can't wait for heaven.