Clouds

This has been an interesting summer. So many things are bringing back lots of memories and seem to be making everything "fresh" again in my heart and mind. The void Todd left seems to be getting bigger as the kids grow older. C.S. Lewis talked about grief being a spiral, then questioned for himself, is this an upward spiral or downward spiral? Good question. I'm not sure, but I'm definitely coming back again to all the pain and missing Todd so very, very much.

Lately I've been fascinated with the clouds. Maybe because that's where my heart is? I long to see Jesus and heaven and be re-united once again with Todd and so many others that have gone before us into heaven. I've been taking pictures of clouds for weeks now and my kids think I'm crazy (especially when I take them while we are driving!). Late last night I put together this slide show. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do! Despite the pain, the missing, the void, the longing to talk with Todd again and see him again, things truly are "Well With My Soul" through it all!

Baptism

Well, now we can rejoice that all six of our children have made professions of Jesus as their Lord and Savior and, as of today, all have been baptized to publicly stand for Him.

Today was very emotional. But wait, I'll let you see for yourselves. You may have to turn all your volumes up to hear their testimonies, but they both mentioned their father. It just stinks that he was not here with us today. He was very missed.

Wild and Crazy Days!

This past Saturday Toby played her last soccer game for the spring, and her team won! It was exciting to watch her play and enjoy the game of soccer as her other siblings did.
It was fun, but it lacked the excitement that Todd would bring to the games, screaming, shouting, etc. But Toby had a great season, and I am sure Todd either was told about her or even witnessed it!

Then I had an unexpected blessing. One of my favorite singers ever is Steve Green. I found out he was doing a concert in our area, so after church on Sunday night, we went to see what was going on. I ended up getting a ticket, and then afterwards even got my picture taken with him!!! . I've gone to several of his concerts, and I must say the crowd wasn't nearly as previous ones. Maybe I'm getting old? Whatever, it was a blessing to hear him sing, although this was the first time without Todd, and it made me miss my buddy more than anything. Todd was not as big a fan as I am, but he loved to hear Steve sing "God and God Alone." ...and that's what he ended his concert that night singing. Awesome. Just such a blessing.

Now, ever taken a long trip in a car? van? ...more than just a few hours? Last weekend I drove in a van with 8 kids to South Carolina!! Why? We went to pick up my friends' son from Bob Jones University. My friend was too sick to drive that far (don't know where we would have fit her anyway), so driving that far away from home without any other adult, was, well, interesting. We put together a short video:



So, it's been one crazy or wild thing after another lately. Even with all the fun, all the pain in missing Todd during the fun, all the near heartattacks and all the heartbreak, I am so thankful and praising God for the family He has so richly blessed me with. He is way too good to me.

In Jehovah do I take refuge:...If the foundations be destroyed,4 Jehovah is in his holy temple; Jehovah trieth the righteous; ... For Jehovah is righteous; he loveth righteousness: Psalm 11

Why?

I used to ask this question way too much, but am learning that I do not need to know why. I do not need to understand. I need to rest in knowing that God DOES know and that He does have a plan, and that He is in control! It's called trust, and it's not easy to do. I have found a lot of comfort in knowing God's Word and His promises and in knowing God personally. I also find comfort in the words to this song, Love Will Find A Way.

Love will find a way
To follow where you run
Love will cover you
And shield you from the sun
This will all be done
Just to heal you, to heal you
Love will lift the veil
You try to hide behind
Love will kiss your tears
And turn them into wine
This will all be done
To reveal you, reveal you

REFRAIN
Love will take your shame
Love will lift your head
Love will take the blow
That was meant for you instead

Love will never leave
No matter what you say
Love will look beyond
Your brokenness today
This will all be done
Just to name you,
This will all be done
To reclaim you, reclaim you

Mourning to Joy....

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." Isaiah 61:3

Toby's bestest friend is moving to CO this week, so to answer her many questions, we keep telling her that she will be with her Daddy who has a new job there. Now all she wants is to be with her Daddy. She keeps saying, "Why can't I be with my Daddy?" and things like, "Why can't I just die now?" She told me it was not fair that her friend could see her Daddy this week, but that she has to wait "forever." How do you answer such things? Well, I'm thankful for this verse. One day we will be re-united FOREVER, and our mourning will be turned to JOY! Can't wait for heaven....just sayin'...

Moment by Moment

Or day by day....this song is what I must keep singing over and over and over again...

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose Name is Counselor and Power;
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
Ever to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

Going It Alone

I haven't really been able to find the words to write for quite some time; however, I was blessed in reading what someone else wrote, so I thought I would post it here.

Going It Alone

I hope you get a blessing from this as I did.

Living in Reality

This past Saturday would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary. This was my 5th anniversary celebrating alone. It's difficult to live in the reality that I will never again celebrate that day with Todd here on this earth. It's difficult to live in the reality knowing I will never see or hear or touch Todd again on this earth.

This anniversary was extra difficult. I spent last week helping a friend take her son to the hospital for surgery on his foot, waiting there with her, and then taking him home the next day (supposed to be a one-day procedure, but due to complications, he had to spend the night). The memories of being with Todd before his major surgery, waiting, then visiting each day, came flooding back. They were not good memories. I found myself crying a lot, and feeling the pain of watching someone you love suffering without being able to help. It was one of the most difficult weeks since losing Todd.

I also realized what it was, however, to live in the reality of knowing I could lean on God, trust Him, and collapse in His Arms, fully trusting Him with every emotion, every hurt, and every difficult memory. I've heard those words countless times, "Trust in God" or "Lean on Him" and even, "God loves you," but I think I experienced close to the full reality of those words for the first time. I don't know that we could ever fully understand those words. We say them so nonchalantly, but have you ever, ever truly lived in that reality? It's an amazing feeling. I'm so happy to say that truly, like David said in Psalm 18:2 "The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower"

57 Months Ago Today...

It may sound like a long time ago to most people....5 years ago on May 6th, Todd went to heaven. Still feels like yesterday. One of the biggest snow storms we've had in awhile hit this weekend. I had trouble getting to sleep last night. I used to love the feeling with a big snow storm when everyone, including Todd, was home. It was a great feeling. It was a safe feeling. It was a warm feeling. I couldn't find that last night, or today. All the kids are here, safe and sound, but Todd is not. It's difficult to describe. Just really missing him today. I don't feel safe. I don't feel warm. I feel lost and very alone. Even my rose bush is covered in this snow! I'd do anything for a rose from Todd today, or better yet a hug from Todd!

I keep thanking God that He promised He will never leave nor forsake me. I'm so thankful for Him. "Gotta keep singing..."

Winter is now 11 years old!

Our last birthday celebration for Winter with Daddy was when she turned six years old.



It's hard to believe she turned 11 last week. Birthday celebrations are still difficult without Dad, but this one was multiplied for several reasons. First, Winter is a very special kid, being born with infant acid reflux which caused sleep apnea, she would frequently turn blue and we never knew how long God would allow us to have her. (see Weathering Winter for more details) Todd went through those scary, long nights and difficult days, right beside me. He was the only one who understood how very precious each birthday celebration was with Winter. I felt lonely without him here with us.





Then, we decided to take Winter to ChuckECheese with her friend, and then to the archery club. These were two of Todd's favorite places to go. He loved taking the kids to Chuck E Cheese for bday celebrations. He also loved hanging out at the archery club watching Abe shoot for the club there. We went to both places.


Praise the Lord, the kids had a great time, and I made it successfully with minimal tears. Sure, we missed Todd very much, talked about him a lot, but God gave a peace and provided the strength I needed to have fun with the kids and even smile a bit.

I long to see Jesus face to face and to be reunited with my very much loved one. I pray the day is near, but until that I have to keep singing....have to keep praising His name!

Oh, and Happy Birthday to our precious Winter Hope!