Winter is now 11 years old!

Our last birthday celebration for Winter with Daddy was when she turned six years old.



It's hard to believe she turned 11 last week. Birthday celebrations are still difficult without Dad, but this one was multiplied for several reasons. First, Winter is a very special kid, being born with infant acid reflux which caused sleep apnea, she would frequently turn blue and we never knew how long God would allow us to have her. (see Weathering Winter for more details) Todd went through those scary, long nights and difficult days, right beside me. He was the only one who understood how very precious each birthday celebration was with Winter. I felt lonely without him here with us.





Then, we decided to take Winter to ChuckECheese with her friend, and then to the archery club. These were two of Todd's favorite places to go. He loved taking the kids to Chuck E Cheese for bday celebrations. He also loved hanging out at the archery club watching Abe shoot for the club there. We went to both places.


Praise the Lord, the kids had a great time, and I made it successfully with minimal tears. Sure, we missed Todd very much, talked about him a lot, but God gave a peace and provided the strength I needed to have fun with the kids and even smile a bit.

I long to see Jesus face to face and to be reunited with my very much loved one. I pray the day is near, but until that I have to keep singing....have to keep praising His name!

Oh, and Happy Birthday to our precious Winter Hope!

Where was this song 5 years ago?

One of the dearest and most precious friends I have used to tell me in my darkest days when Todd was sick and in the days after he went to heaven, that I need to learn how to "climb up in God's Lap, and just rest, feeling His love..." She would also constantly be reminding me to keep praising God and keep praying, even when I didn't want to or feel like I could. I found the times when I would climb up in God's lap to be the most comforting and the most refreshing times of my life. It was a quiet place, a place close to Him, but where I was totally numb...I couldn't feel anything, just 'In His Lap!" ...what precious words.

Anyway, I never heard this song until my daughter asked for the Undone CD from Mercy Me. It brought back many memories, this time good ones, even when my heart was breaking and broken!



Thank you, God, for always being there. I love you so much!

I have some really GREAT kids!

I'm so proud of my kids....every single one of them! But my oldest four astound me with their wisdom and encouragement. I only would share my very deepest thoughts and feelings with Todd. It has been so difficult with no one to share these things with, and gradually I have been going to my older children for advice or their thoughts on some things that I was struggling with. Yesterday, after a sermon that was a bit confusing for me, my children told me this:

Mom, you used to tell us that Daddy was your rock and almost everything you did, you did for him, but when he died, God was showing you that God needed to be your Rock and one and only. Your entire foundation was broken when Daddy died, and now you are re-building that foundation. It takes time to build a new foundation, but you are, and you're doing well. Just keep making God your "new" foundation and make Him the center of everything. That way, you know you can't go wrong.

Coming from my children, this meant more to me than anything. I thank God for my kids. I praise Him for their wisdom. I pray that they, too, will make God their foundation in life. God will always be here. God will never leave. God is solid, like a Rock. God doesn't change. What better foundation could we have for our lives?

I love my kids.

Happy Birthday Jesus! Happy Birthday Daddy!

MERRY CHRISTMAS from the Radles.



(it's not easy to get six kids and a dog to cooperate for a picture...this is the best as it gets)

Parents are Coming! Parents are Coming!

Have to go to the airport and pick up some V.I.P.'s: My parents!

I feel like a little kid again. It all floods back. Suddenly I feel like Dad's in control again. I love my parents. Yet without Todd, well, I feel like a teenager again. Sometimes it's a good feeling; sometimes very bad. I hope it's a good feeling for this trip north for Christmas. Here we go... Countdown to leaving for airport for parents has begun!

First heard "cancer" for Todd's pain

Five years ago tonight. I had written this to a friend in an email:

Todd's in the hospital. They admitted him this evening after he came home from work in terrible pain and unable to stand up straight. All the dr said to me was that they do not suspect a stone, but the right kidney was significantly swollen. One nurse told Todd it was a blood clot, the dr told him he thought it was cancer. They're running more tests tomorrow am. I'm scared. Thanks for the prayers, Wendy

It still doesn't seem real. Other people get cancer. It never happens to you or your husband. Weird. I can still remember us denying it that evening and for weeks afterwards. Couldn't be cancer. Just couldn't be...

The Blessings of Being Sick!

Christmas brings with it many, many, many tasks. At times it can be overwhelming. With six children and painful memories, I found myself having difficulty just knowing what to do next. Everything hurt: the memories, the tasks, being alone, responsibilities mounting, decisions...it seems endless. Then suddenly everything stops. I got sick. Not sick, sick, just sick. Unable to move, sick. I soon found it to be a blessing....no, really!

There was another time during this journey that I remember being thankful for being sick (that was nearly 2 years ago). Moms don't get sick. Everyone knows that. And if we ever do get sick, our husbands, the other parent, the other guardian, the "go-to guy" as it were, steps in and nothing ever skips a beat. At least that's how it used to work with us. But since Todd is no longer with us, I've come to realize that God gives incredible stamina to me now. I rarely get sick. Even when all the children get something, God seems to allow me to stay healthy. He is clearly my strength and my stronghold!

So at the end of last week I got sick again (that's only been the second time in nearly 5 years that I can remember). When I say sick, I mean sick as in can't move, can't think, complete body shut-down. It's scary to know you have six children to be responsible for, but all you can do is listen to "buzz," see figures in a distant daze, and know you are helpless to help them.

While in this state, this past weekend, while in bed, I begged God to help me. He kept saying, "Be still." I needed to get things done. God said, "Be still." I couldn't lift my head off the pillow. God said, you got it, "Be still." So I was still. I was still for a very long time.

As my head began to clear, I was able to utter some short prayers. Gradually I was able to think of verses and parts of verses. Then little voices became more clear. I know, it's unreal. It was like I was in a dream, living it, but so hazy and foggy. Very weird, but true! Finally I was able to stop being still! God allowed me strength and wisdom to move and think again, and it didn't hurt as badly to do so! I still feel wobbly as I write this, still miss Todd and cry at the memories and not having him here, but stronger and truly amazed at the blessings in being sick! God is so good. He knows when I need to be still. He provides comfort and rest, and I am so thankful for the blessings of being sick. One step at a time... or now it's back to one baby step at a time...

Soccer, Fall Clean-up, Thanksgiving: Missing Todd

The final soccer game and awards ceremony was last Saturday. Todd loved embarrassing the kids when they got their awards. Actually, he was just so proud of them that he couldn't help himself...but it was embarrassing (not just for the kids). Winter had a great season. It was her first long season, and I know Todd would have been proud of her. She played every game, all games, with all her heart. It was a blessing to see our little girl out there running around after so much that she's been through. It was a good few months, but every Saturday I missed Todd. I could hear him screaming, see him running up and down the sidelines, and even cry when one of the children scored a goal. Awards Ceremony was quiet without Todd.

I was so surprised when Nathan pulled up with the landscaping crew he works with and cleaned up our lawn. I was so proud of him, although a little nervous to see him riding around on that big mower and working that huge leaf vacuum! He's a hard worker, just like his Dad. I remembered when we got our first riding mower and Todd was teaching him how to work it. Todd stayed outside the entire time. He was there to push him up a slippery hill, or help him when it stalled, or move branches and other obstacles out of his way. Todd loved watching his son riding on that mower, and he never left him alone. I remember once when he had to come inside, he told me to stand outside and tell him if Nathan had any trouble at all. I hope Todd could see Nathan now. Watching Nathan made my heart ache for Todd and for his presence.



Thanksgiving was a little crazy this year. My sister and her husband, my brother and his girlfriend and her son, and Kimmie all came over for dinner. However, I didn't have to cook anything. nothing. Kimmie orchestrated the kitchen, and my sister and brother's girlfriend brought food, and we had a feast. I felt manipulated into having dinner here, but thankful for all the help. I missed Todd so much. Thanksgiving will never be the same without Todd lighting candles all over the, cleaning for two days before, seeing to every detail, calling his Mom and talking for hours, helping in every way possible, and always, always checking on me and seeing what he could do to make my day go easier. I miss that. No one cared or does care for me like Todd did. I know, you'll say God does! ..and that is true, but still, not in person. Not the hugs from behind when I was in the middle of something, not the whispered words, "I love you," not running out to get last minute things, not taking the baby from me....I miss Todd.

People say time heals and that it will get better. I wonder. Thanking God for Todd this weekend. I don't know when the ache will stop, but thanking God for my best friend in the whole world...

Happy Birthday, Toby!

Toby turned SIX years old today. She had a great day, telling me tonight as she was getting ready for bed, "Today went flying! It was a great day!" Praise the Lord!



We started out with balloons, then tutoring at the library with her teacher where Toby got a "Happy Birthday, Biscuit" book, then making a birthday cake, then out to Chuck-E-Cheese, then home to open presents.



I think this was the best birthday celebration in 4 and a half years. We all enjoyed watching Toby today and trying to make her day special in every way. She even got a ride in Nathan's Jeep on the way home from Chuck-E-Cheese! It was fun to watch her older siblings take such great care of her. Even though we missed Daddy, we had fun. Even I was happy and rejoicing with Toby today. Todd and I shared her first 18 months of life, then I have been privileged to watch her grow over these years. Six precious years. Happy Birthday, Toby! I'm thanking God for our precious Toby Faith tonight, for these six years, and for being able to enjoy the day with her. God is good.

Lessons in Life

Today has been an extra difficult day. Lots of tears, more questions, wrestling with difficult memories, going through life and it's changes and problems without my partner....just a tough day all around.

This afternoon I received an email from a dear friend. Her and her precious family are going through difficulties of their own. They were in the process of adoption, when God led in a different direction, and after spending the first 8 months with this special baby, he was adopted by a friend of theirs, who left the church and cut off all ties with them. Their family is grieving the loss of what they thought was their son, to another caregiver. It's a tough time for the entire family.

With this painful news, my friend said God was teaching them a lot. She wrote these words, which I hope will be a blessing to all of you, as it has been to me this day and this evening:

that He is our comfort:
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction . . . For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” (II Corinthians 1:3-5)

that He is our strength,
“And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10b)

that He is powerful,
“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” (Job 42:1-2)

that He sees,
“But you do see, for you note mischief and vexation, that you may take it into your hands; to you the helpless commits himself; you have been the helper of the fatherless.” (Psalm 10:14)

that He is perfectly wise in what He is doing,
“This God – his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? (Psalm 18:30-31)

that He is near,
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

that He has a purpose,
“I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.” (Psalm 57:2)

that He is watching over Isaac when we cannot,(or in my case, my children, when I cannot)
“Father of the fatherless . . . is God in his holy habitation.” (Psalm 68:5)

that He is enough,
“Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. . . . For me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.” (Psalm 73:25-26, 28)

that He is sovereign,
“Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.” (Psalm 115:3)

that He is always good,
“Ýou are good and do good; teach me your statutes.” (Psalm 119:68)

that He is gracious to teach us through this,
“He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, „This is the way, walk in it, . . .” (Isaiah 30:19-21)

that He is working,
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good . . .” (Romans 8:28)

and that He will ultimately end the pain.
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning or crying or pain anymore . . .” (Revelation 21:4)

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I sure needed to read these Scripture verses today! Trying to rest in Him, putting my trust in Him, and ultimately learn these same lessons... Praise the Lord for godly friends who share their lessons in life!