Five years ago tonight. I had written this to a friend in an email:
Todd's in the hospital. They admitted him this evening after he came home from work in terrible pain and unable to stand up straight. All the dr said to me was that they do not suspect a stone, but the right kidney was significantly swollen. One nurse told Todd it was a blood clot, the dr told him he thought it was cancer. They're running more tests tomorrow am. I'm scared. Thanks for the prayers, Wendy
It still doesn't seem real. Other people get cancer. It never happens to you or your husband. Weird. I can still remember us denying it that evening and for weeks afterwards. Couldn't be cancer. Just couldn't be...
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
The Blessings of Being Sick!
Christmas brings with it many, many, many tasks. At times it can be overwhelming. With six children and painful memories, I found myself having difficulty just knowing what to do next. Everything hurt: the memories, the tasks, being alone, responsibilities mounting, decisions...it seems endless. Then suddenly everything stops. I got sick. Not sick, sick, just sick. Unable to move, sick. I soon found it to be a blessing....no, really!
There was another time during this journey that I remember being thankful for being sick (that was nearly 2 years ago). Moms don't get sick. Everyone knows that. And if we ever do get sick, our husbands, the other parent, the other guardian, the "go-to guy" as it were, steps in and nothing ever skips a beat. At least that's how it used to work with us. But since Todd is no longer with us, I've come to realize that God gives incredible stamina to me now. I rarely get sick. Even when all the children get something, God seems to allow me to stay healthy. He is clearly my strength and my stronghold!
So at the end of last week I got sick again (that's only been the second time in nearly 5 years that I can remember). When I say sick, I mean sick as in can't move, can't think, complete body shut-down. It's scary to know you have six children to be responsible for, but all you can do is listen to "buzz," see figures in a distant daze, and know you are helpless to help them.
While in this state, this past weekend, while in bed, I begged God to help me. He kept saying, "Be still." I needed to get things done. God said, "Be still." I couldn't lift my head off the pillow. God said, you got it, "Be still." So I was still. I was still for a very long time.
As my head began to clear, I was able to utter some short prayers. Gradually I was able to think of verses and parts of verses. Then little voices became more clear. I know, it's unreal. It was like I was in a dream, living it, but so hazy and foggy. Very weird, but true! Finally I was able to stop being still! God allowed me strength and wisdom to move and think again, and it didn't hurt as badly to do so! I still feel wobbly as I write this, still miss Todd and cry at the memories and not having him here, but stronger and truly amazed at the blessings in being sick! God is so good. He knows when I need to be still. He provides comfort and rest, and I am so thankful for the blessings of being sick. One step at a time... or now it's back to one baby step at a time...
There was another time during this journey that I remember being thankful for being sick (that was nearly 2 years ago). Moms don't get sick. Everyone knows that. And if we ever do get sick, our husbands, the other parent, the other guardian, the "go-to guy" as it were, steps in and nothing ever skips a beat. At least that's how it used to work with us. But since Todd is no longer with us, I've come to realize that God gives incredible stamina to me now. I rarely get sick. Even when all the children get something, God seems to allow me to stay healthy. He is clearly my strength and my stronghold!
So at the end of last week I got sick again (that's only been the second time in nearly 5 years that I can remember). When I say sick, I mean sick as in can't move, can't think, complete body shut-down. It's scary to know you have six children to be responsible for, but all you can do is listen to "buzz," see figures in a distant daze, and know you are helpless to help them.
While in this state, this past weekend, while in bed, I begged God to help me. He kept saying, "Be still." I needed to get things done. God said, "Be still." I couldn't lift my head off the pillow. God said, you got it, "Be still." So I was still. I was still for a very long time.
As my head began to clear, I was able to utter some short prayers. Gradually I was able to think of verses and parts of verses. Then little voices became more clear. I know, it's unreal. It was like I was in a dream, living it, but so hazy and foggy. Very weird, but true! Finally I was able to stop being still! God allowed me strength and wisdom to move and think again, and it didn't hurt as badly to do so! I still feel wobbly as I write this, still miss Todd and cry at the memories and not having him here, but stronger and truly amazed at the blessings in being sick! God is so good. He knows when I need to be still. He provides comfort and rest, and I am so thankful for the blessings of being sick. One step at a time... or now it's back to one baby step at a time...
Friday, November 27, 2009
Soccer, Fall Clean-up, Thanksgiving: Missing Todd
The final soccer game and awards ceremony was last Saturday. Todd loved embarrassing the kids when they got their awards. Actually, he was just so proud of them that he couldn't help himself...but it was embarrassing (not just for the kids). Winter had a great season. It was her first long season, and I know Todd would have been proud of her. She played every game, all games, with all her heart. It was a blessing to see our little girl out there running around after so much that she's been through. It was a good few months, but every Saturday I missed Todd. I could hear him screaming, see him running up and down the sidelines, and even cry when one of the children scored a goal. Awards Ceremony was quiet without Todd.
I was so surprised when Nathan pulled up with the landscaping crew he works with and cleaned up our lawn. I was so proud of him, although a little nervous to see him riding around on that big mower and working that huge leaf vacuum! He's a hard worker, just like his Dad. I remembered when we got our first riding mower and Todd was teaching him how to work it. Todd stayed outside the entire time. He was there to push him up a slippery hill, or help him when it stalled, or move branches and other obstacles out of his way. Todd loved watching his son riding on that mower, and he never left him alone. I remember once when he had to come inside, he told me to stand outside and tell him if Nathan had any trouble at all. I hope Todd could see Nathan now. Watching Nathan made my heart ache for Todd and for his presence.
Thanksgiving was a little crazy this year. My sister and her husband, my brother and his girlfriend and her son, and Kimmie all came over for dinner. However, I didn't have to cook anything. nothing. Kimmie orchestrated the kitchen, and my sister and brother's girlfriend brought food, and we had a feast. I felt manipulated into having dinner here, but thankful for all the help. I missed Todd so much. Thanksgiving will never be the same without Todd lighting candles all over the, cleaning for two days before, seeing to every detail, calling his Mom and talking for hours, helping in every way possible, and always, always checking on me and seeing what he could do to make my day go easier. I miss that. No one cared or does care for me like Todd did. I know, you'll say God does! ..and that is true, but still, not in person. Not the hugs from behind when I was in the middle of something, not the whispered words, "I love you," not running out to get last minute things, not taking the baby from me....I miss Todd.
People say time heals and that it will get better. I wonder. Thanking God for Todd this weekend. I don't know when the ache will stop, but thanking God for my best friend in the whole world...
Monday, October 19, 2009
Happy Birthday, Toby!
Toby turned SIX years old today. She had a great day, telling me tonight as she was getting ready for bed, "Today went flying! It was a great day!" Praise the Lord!
We started out with balloons, then tutoring at the library with her teacher where Toby got a "Happy Birthday, Biscuit" book, then making a birthday cake, then out to Chuck-E-Cheese, then home to open presents.
I think this was the best birthday celebration in 4 and a half years. We all enjoyed watching Toby today and trying to make her day special in every way. She even got a ride in Nathan's Jeep on the way home from Chuck-E-Cheese! It was fun to watch her older siblings take such great care of her. Even though we missed Daddy, we had fun. Even I was happy and rejoicing with Toby today. Todd and I shared her first 18 months of life, then I have been privileged to watch her grow over these years. Six precious years. Happy Birthday, Toby! I'm thanking God for our precious Toby Faith tonight, for these six years, and for being able to enjoy the day with her. God is good.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Lessons in Life
Today has been an extra difficult day. Lots of tears, more questions, wrestling with difficult memories, going through life and it's changes and problems without my partner....just a tough day all around.
This afternoon I received an email from a dear friend. Her and her precious family are going through difficulties of their own. They were in the process of adoption, when God led in a different direction, and after spending the first 8 months with this special baby, he was adopted by a friend of theirs, who left the church and cut off all ties with them. Their family is grieving the loss of what they thought was their son, to another caregiver. It's a tough time for the entire family.
With this painful news, my friend said God was teaching them a lot. She wrote these words, which I hope will be a blessing to all of you, as it has been to me this day and this evening:
that He is our comfort:
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction . . . For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” (II Corinthians 1:3-5)
that He is our strength,
“And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10b)
that He is powerful,
“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” (Job 42:1-2)
that He sees,
“But you do see, for you note mischief and vexation, that you may take it into your hands; to you the helpless commits himself; you have been the helper of the fatherless.” (Psalm 10:14)
that He is perfectly wise in what He is doing,
“This God – his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? (Psalm 18:30-31)
that He is near,
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
that He has a purpose,
“I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.” (Psalm 57:2)
that He is watching over Isaac when we cannot,(or in my case, my children, when I cannot)
“Father of the fatherless . . . is God in his holy habitation.” (Psalm 68:5)
that He is enough,
“Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. . . . For me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.” (Psalm 73:25-26, 28)
that He is sovereign,
“Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.” (Psalm 115:3)
that He is always good,
“Ýou are good and do good; teach me your statutes.” (Psalm 119:68)
that He is gracious to teach us through this,
“He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, „This is the way, walk in it, . . .” (Isaiah 30:19-21)
that He is working,
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good . . .” (Romans 8:28)
and that He will ultimately end the pain.
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning or crying or pain anymore . . .” (Revelation 21:4)
*******
I sure needed to read these Scripture verses today! Trying to rest in Him, putting my trust in Him, and ultimately learn these same lessons... Praise the Lord for godly friends who share their lessons in life!
This afternoon I received an email from a dear friend. Her and her precious family are going through difficulties of their own. They were in the process of adoption, when God led in a different direction, and after spending the first 8 months with this special baby, he was adopted by a friend of theirs, who left the church and cut off all ties with them. Their family is grieving the loss of what they thought was their son, to another caregiver. It's a tough time for the entire family.
With this painful news, my friend said God was teaching them a lot. She wrote these words, which I hope will be a blessing to all of you, as it has been to me this day and this evening:
that He is our comfort:
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction . . . For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” (II Corinthians 1:3-5)
that He is our strength,
“And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10b)
that He is powerful,
“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” (Job 42:1-2)
that He sees,
“But you do see, for you note mischief and vexation, that you may take it into your hands; to you the helpless commits himself; you have been the helper of the fatherless.” (Psalm 10:14)
that He is perfectly wise in what He is doing,
“This God – his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? (Psalm 18:30-31)
that He is near,
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
that He has a purpose,
“I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.” (Psalm 57:2)
that He is watching over Isaac when we cannot,(or in my case, my children, when I cannot)
“Father of the fatherless . . . is God in his holy habitation.” (Psalm 68:5)
that He is enough,
“Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. . . . For me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.” (Psalm 73:25-26, 28)
that He is sovereign,
“Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.” (Psalm 115:3)
that He is always good,
“Ýou are good and do good; teach me your statutes.” (Psalm 119:68)
that He is gracious to teach us through this,
“He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, „This is the way, walk in it, . . .” (Isaiah 30:19-21)
that He is working,
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good . . .” (Romans 8:28)
and that He will ultimately end the pain.
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning or crying or pain anymore . . .” (Revelation 21:4)
*******
I sure needed to read these Scripture verses today! Trying to rest in Him, putting my trust in Him, and ultimately learn these same lessons... Praise the Lord for godly friends who share their lessons in life!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
My Rock
Psalm 18:2 says..."The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower."
Admittingly over the last 4 and almost half years without Todd in my life, I haven't felt very sure-footed. Every step, when I began even taking steps, felt as though I was stepping into thin air. I have learned, slowly, that even though I can't "feel" the solid Rock, it is there. So I begin to take more "steps." They feel squishy. I recently thought I felt something firm, but then this week again slipped off and could not feel the solidness that I knew was there. It's not a good feeling. It's actually a horrible feeling. I know what God's Word says. I know it is there. I need to take more steps, trusting my Father that the Rock will hold me. He's never failed before and never will. Go, Wendy, keep taking the steps, even though they feel squishy! (I need a "pep-talk" for myself today.)
Admittingly over the last 4 and almost half years without Todd in my life, I haven't felt very sure-footed. Every step, when I began even taking steps, felt as though I was stepping into thin air. I have learned, slowly, that even though I can't "feel" the solid Rock, it is there. So I begin to take more "steps." They feel squishy. I recently thought I felt something firm, but then this week again slipped off and could not feel the solidness that I knew was there. It's not a good feeling. It's actually a horrible feeling. I know what God's Word says. I know it is there. I need to take more steps, trusting my Father that the Rock will hold me. He's never failed before and never will. Go, Wendy, keep taking the steps, even though they feel squishy! (I need a "pep-talk" for myself today.)
Monday, October 5, 2009
Not as difficult a goodbye as I thought...
OK, so we are saying goodbye to Chauncey this Friday. Part of me feels relieved, and part of me is going to really miss this guy. I know when I doubt my decision to let another family adopt him, all I'll need to do is look at this picture. Lovable? ...yes. Destructive? ...very!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
uncomfortable....out of comfort zone!
I had to have three teeth removed this week. I went to an oral surgeon and was under anesthesia for these (very infected and painful). So, I needed a driver. Asked my wonderful sister-in-law (thank you, Joy), but as wonderful as she is, she isn't Todd. Got home and couldn't stop sleeping, but when I finally woke up, there was no glass of water beside me, there was no one curled up next to me asking if I was ok or needed anything, there was no one asking if I was in pain....just unattended children and work to be done. Moms aren't allowed "down time," unless they have a Dad to step in. This has been a difficult week. It has been a lonely week. I'm so used to having Todd here, telling him all about my pain, having his compassion and care...now there is no one. Yes, God is here, but it's not the physical attention I am accustomed to. I long for the comfort, to hear someone ask how I'm doing, and wouldn't mind if I told them the truth. To care for the children, even the older ones. Just hurting tonight...
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Busy Week!
Although it's been busy, we have seen many blessings from our good Father! We started school and even though it's been challenging, we are thanking God for a good start. Toby has been thanking God every night this week for her school, so that has to be good. Our oldest son is doing fantastic at his first "real" job. We are praising the Lord for his new responsibilities and how well he is handling them. Nathan finally was able to purchase the Jeep! What a blessing to see how God worked out every detail for him, and even more of a blessing to see Nathan experience and know God's love, care, and power! I'm a bit jealous, my first car was a 1963 Dodge Dart with a push button transmission (we had some great times in this car!).
Nathan got a 2006 red Jeep Wrangler Rubicon in excellent condition with low mileage. I'm thankful that he lets me drive it sometimes! I love it and can't wait to go off road with the top off!
Our first daughter turned 17 this week. I'm so proud of her, and I know Todd would be too. She's a senior this year, and has grown into a beautiful young lady.
My parents left for The Keys this week as well. I'm thankful that they have had safety so far, stopping to visit with friends, as far as Georgia. They have a way to go, but so far, so good.
A lot happening, but many blessings and much to be thankful for. God is so good to us.
Nathan got a 2006 red Jeep Wrangler Rubicon in excellent condition with low mileage. I'm thankful that he lets me drive it sometimes! I love it and can't wait to go off road with the top off!
Our first daughter turned 17 this week. I'm so proud of her, and I know Todd would be too. She's a senior this year, and has grown into a beautiful young lady.
My parents left for The Keys this week as well. I'm thankful that they have had safety so far, stopping to visit with friends, as far as Georgia. They have a way to go, but so far, so good.
A lot happening, but many blessings and much to be thankful for. God is so good to us.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
September 6th
It sure doesn't feel like 52 months, but that's how long it will be since Todd went to heaven, tomorrow, the 6th of Sept. I'm thankful that it doesn't feel like 52 minutes, 52 hours, or even 52 days. It feels more like 52 weeks. I think that's progress, or at least I hope it is.
Our Katrina will be turning 17 on Tuesday. She'll be a senior this year. The two boys are both working full time this year. I'm so proud of all our children. They are all handling their lives with wisdom and great faith in God, their heavenly Father. They talk often of their Dad and the life-long lessons he gave them.
Yes, it's been 52 incredible months; however, I have decided to keep trusting in God, to keep praying for our children, and to keep thanking Father for working in our lives.
It's not easy living this "new" life, but I'm learning as long as we keep trusting Him, "It Will Be Worth It All!"
Our Katrina will be turning 17 on Tuesday. She'll be a senior this year. The two boys are both working full time this year. I'm so proud of all our children. They are all handling their lives with wisdom and great faith in God, their heavenly Father. They talk often of their Dad and the life-long lessons he gave them.
Yes, it's been 52 incredible months; however, I have decided to keep trusting in God, to keep praying for our children, and to keep thanking Father for working in our lives.
It's not easy living this "new" life, but I'm learning as long as we keep trusting Him, "It Will Be Worth It All!"
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