Yesterday, May 6, 2019, marked fourteen years since Todd went to heaven. That may sound like a long time to many of you, and some may even think, "Oh, she has surely gotten over the pain and is no longer grieving after all those years." But I wanted to write tonight to let all who read this that no one ever "gets over it" or stops grieving. Ever.
The reason for this is because Todd is always present in some way, whether it be in memories, in pictures on the walls, in my children's faces and mannerisms, his empty place in bed or at the dining table, movies or television shows that we watched together and now watch together without him, mail addressed to him that still comes, phone calls asking for him (yes, I still get those), forms asking for my marital status, making decisions by myself, doing chores that were once his (I really hate scrubbing the tub!), taking the van and car to get inspections and repairs, signing permission slips as a single parent, sitting in church without him with couples all around, making his favorite meals knowing he won't be eating it, and so many, many more. See, we live with him still present in these things every single day. There has never been a day that passed since he went to heaven those 14 years ago that he hasn't been in my thoughts.
Every night I ask God to somehow make it possible that Todd knows we still love him and miss him, and often to let him know that we are doing well. Especially after major milestones in the kids lives: Please, Father, let Todd know Toby was on the Honor Roll again with all A's! Please, Father, let Todd know that Winter has become an awesome writer and has the same gift of singing like he has! Please, Father, let Todd know Tiffany fell in love and got married! Please, Father, let Todd know that Katrina has become an incredible young lady who loves You and seeks to serve You in everything! Please, Father, let Todd know that Nathan bought his own house! Please, Father, let Todd know that Abe has been doing a great job at his workplace and how very proud he would be of Abe's work ethic, never missing days or goofing off. ....and on and on it goes. Every night.
I just wanted people to know that even though it's been fourteen years, we still miss Todd/Daddy, and always will. And it still hurts...especially on these kinds of days. There are still nights where I cry myself to sleep, or cry when I think no one is looking when the loneliness consumes me.
Grief remains. And the pain can be around any corner or any bend, but always with change or milestones.
This broken heart will only be whole again in heaven, and this is my hope! This is how I keep going. One day there will be no more tears and no more grief. Until then, we keep going. One day at a time.
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