Too Much!!

The days have been full and much has been happening. Before too much time passes, I wanted to share how much fun Toby had at her birthday party. She had the biggest smile, and all of her "bestest friends" were there.



We had her party at an indoor soft playground called KidsQuest....the same place we had Trina and Tiff and Winter's 5th bday parties. Everyone had a good time, but I have to say, it was not as fun as the other parties. Todd made those things fun, and without him, there was definitely a big part of Toby's special party missing.

My favorite great nephew had a big birthday party as well. Eban turned one!!! Happy Birthday, Eban! That was a fun party, too, but once again, at least for me, the fun Todd provided was missing. It wasn't easy to see family and friends, hear their conversations, and answer that question, "How are you doing, Wendy?" But it was another great birthday for a great nephew!

This last week I've had some visits from some friends I haven't seen in awhile. Friends are great. Each one brings their own unique personality. Both visitors knew Todd. Both visitors lost their husbands and have children. Both visitors know what loss is and how it feels. Yet every one of us is different. Everyone experiences loss differently. But here's the thing. They appear to be doing so much better than I am. I've come to understand and realize that this ache, deep in my being, may never go away until heaven. Yet these dear friends are living through that ache. They are embracing life and even enjoying it. I'm not there yet. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong in this process, but nothing seems to be working. Life is not fun anymore. I feel like I hurt more with each new day, each step I take, everything we do.

I am thankful for friends. I am especially thankful for these friends and for their faith in our good God. I am learning that each circumstance and each personality and each life is different, but God is the same. He is our comfort. He is our strength. He is good. By His grace and His strength, I hope one day soon to be able to experience life again as Todd and I did together. Some day...

Thomas Paine on the 2nd Revolution!

October 19th Toby turned 5!

Five years old. She had a good day. My thoughts on all the events this past weekend are jumbled, so I'll try to write more later. I still can't believe our baby is 5. Happy Birthday Toby Faith!

Adventurous Weekend!

"Adventure" is really the only word I could think of for the past 3 days here at the "Radle Ranch," as Todd used to call our family. Saturday we enjoyed a Military Helicopter Airshow. For me, it was loud, crowded, and confusing. The older kids really liked it. Toby and Winter were tired, hot, thirsty, and hungry. When first arriving, we were met by two military guards who kindly instructed us to turn around because we had gone to the wrong entrance. I always feel conspicuous in our large, red van. I feel like we are bigger than we really are, and that everyone is staring at the largeness and redness of our vehicle. Todd liked that. I hate it. So when we pulled into the proper parking area for the show, the parking attendants seemed puzzled at where to "send" us. The lot and the fields were full. One of them said, "Sorry, you're on your own," and the other, farther into one of the fields, began waving his hands and jumping, pointing to a place he had found for us. We inched slowly towards him, and he ran excitedly ahead of us, leading us to some empty spots. But he had other plans. He directed me like an airplane pilot further into the field. He kept backing up, further and further. He pointed in the direction he wanted me to turn the wheels, and proceeded until we were parked in the middle of the field! Seriously. Were we really that big? The kids were laughing. As I stopped and turned off the engine, the attendant explained, "You're fine here, no one will bother you." Don't you think? The rest of the time there was a blur for me. I began following Nathan, who finally said he was following me. That was the reason for the initial confusion. We were relieved to find familiar faces in the crowd, and stood with them for what seemed like hours, until Toby finally got my attention with "I want to go home." That sounded good to me. We walked up to see some more helicopters on display, then headed to the parking area. Nathan commented how he could see our van from on the hill, nearly 1/2 a mile away! ugh. At least we could find it easily.

Today we visited the Philadelphia Zoo, a place we have been many times before and one of everyone's favorite. Todd and I discovered after only having 3 children, that it was well worth it to become a member as far as cost and admission. We did not think there would be very many heading for the zoo today, but we were wrong. We had to park at the opposite end of the zoo, and walk to the entrance. Toby enjoyed this rather long walk as a time to wave to every passing car. I noticed that Philadelphians are not very happy people. Who wouldn't take time to smile and wave back to an adorable almost 5 year old little girl on her way to the zoo? Apparently no one. That didn't stop her from continuing to wave, however. She was happy to wave to the monkeys as well, even though they never returned the favor either. She waved to the alligator, which I'm thankful for not waving back. The giraffes had to be our favorite exhibit this time, as the tigers were sleeping, the gorillas were hiding, and the polar bears finished swimming. The zoo has a new giraffe from Texas, named Gus. We could tell which one was Gus without even asking....he looked like a Texan giraffe. Don't ask me how I know this, I just do. A zoo keeper was shoveling hay into a bin way up in a branch of a tree. When he came out with some fresh branches to stick in the fencing around the tree, the giraffes followed him. That was pretty interesting. Actually, that was our highlight of the day. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it was pretty cool.

So there you have it: two adventures in 3 days for us! Not bad. I wish I could say the more we do, the easier it gets. Unfortunately, that's not happening. Maybe some day it will. Right now it still makes me miss Todd. I am thanking God for the safety He provided on our adventures, and also for the courage to get through the days. God is good!

Here's Winter "enjoying" the Helicopter Show!


Ahhhh, familiar faces and friends (at the Air Show)


Our last stop before home...Toby's happy!


Polar bear....not swimming!


Mama bear and some of her cubs


And finally, Gus, the Texan Giraffe!

School Daze

Things are going well with the Radle kids' and their schooling!


Toby has to be our "student of the month" for September, only because she sounded out her first word! ("cat") One day she wrote the entire alphabet on the white board because she was "bored."

I feel like I've been in a daze this first month. I'm thankful I was aware enough to see Toby's eyes light up when she sounded out "c-a-t," and now have that memory with me forever. I'm thankful I took a picture of her alphabet artwork on the board. I'm thankful for the phone calls from the other children's schools to know they are up-to-date and doing well. I'm thankful for Winter's tears, that alert me to her struggles (but sorry I don't see the problem until she reaches that point!). God has been good, despite my school daze.

My sister-in-law handed me this picture of Todd at church this week. Just had to share.


I am amazed at how much he and Nathan look so similar at that age!

40 months

Sounds like a long time, but sometimes it feels like an instant. All the memories of Todd's sickness, those days in the hospital, the weeks here at home, and even that last day he was here with us, are all so close and vivid in my mind, making it feel like just yesterday.

40 months. God has taught me a lot. He has been our help, our strength, and our provider.

40 months. The children are growing up too fast. Time has stood still for me, and it's difficult to realize that we now have a 19 year old son in his second year of college, and in two days our oldest daughter will be turning 16.

40 months. That's a lot of months. Time moves on, despite my desperately holding on to the past, to the feel of Todd's rough hands, his soft touch, his thick hair and stubby beards, and, of course, that never-ending smile (I still see that clearly when I close my eyes at night!).

40 months. A long time. Oh, for one more touch, one more kiss, one more conversation...just one more day. Yet I was promised eternity with my Savior, the God of heaven, and with my sweet Todd. "I never felt more homesick than now!"

40 months. Thank you, God, for your care through them.

Fighting the system...and losing

After spending hours on the phone and standing in long lines waiting for people who I never saw or heard of before, I have come to the realization that I am fighting a lost cause against a powerful, immovable system. They're too big and they really don't care anything about anyone's individual situation, only if an individual meets the pre-set qualifications for the "system." I have heard that word used countless times this week. This "system" is screwed up, and it is also screwing up the people's lives that it was originally established to help!

I learned today that I and my older children are now ineligible for medical assistance because of the Survivor's benefit we receive. Praise God the younger children are all covered and considered "eligible," but get this: I apparently don't have enough income to be eligible for medical benefits from one program, yet I have too much income to qualify for the other benefits. Where does this leave me and the older children? Oh, but they told me today that if I was pregnant, I would be eligible for full benefits, including coverage on all prescription medications! I asked if I went and got pregnant, if next month I could call them back and be given the coverage, and they said "Yes, that is how the system is set up. If you become pregnant, then immediately you would qualify for full coverage."

I'm so thankful my God is in control and that this life here on earth is temporary. I'm so thankful Jesus is preparing a place for me, a place where I won't need to worry about who will take care of me or my children...God, the Creator and King of Kings will be our care provider! How cool is that? I'm so thankful that this "system" is not permanent, and that one day Jesus will rule here and make everything right. Praise the Lord.

But until then, well, I don't know anymore. I'm at a loss, and my loss of Todd is making me feel all that much more alone in this "system." This week I've felt like it's me alone against the unmoving, all-powerful "system." I feel so small and so alone. I miss Todd.

First Week of School

Well, just sitting here writing this shows you that we survived our first week of school. Praise the Lord! It didn't come without many obstacles and problems, but we finished an entire week! phew.

Abe had stories to tell every day when he returned from classes. He certainly is going to have an interesting 2nd year at college.

Nathan worked one last final week, but he'll be starting his senior year next week.

Trina worked hard on taking pretests and getting started on her courses, while Tiff struggled to fill the hours as her classes begin officially next week.

Winter and Toby: well, they certainly enjoyed all the extra attention they received from me. I feel totally overwhelmed. I'm not quite sure what to say about the week with them, except that they both were very excited and did well with their school work. I never realized how much fun Todd brought to homeschooling; this week seemed so much more of a "task" than previous years. I really missed Todd this week. "I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me." Yes, very clearly the only way through this school year is going to be Christ strengthening me!

I'm just glad we have an extra day off with Labor Day this weekend....that probably sounds crazy after only a week of school, but then again, I may be going crazy!

Gross bathroom lesson

Don't worry, I won't give details, but today I was in the "main" bathroom, the one all 6 kids use, and I was shocked! It was a mess! I had just finished cleaning it, too! yuk. I wanted to walk away and "teach them a lesson" by not cleaning it again, but then I realized if I left the mess, it would be there, only worse, the next time I made a visit. As I was cleaning, AGAIN, I was thinking how much that bathroom is like sin in my life. If you ignore it, it gets worse. You have to be cleaning daily (sometimes hourly!), or it will just continue to get worse.

I was reminded again how important it is (thanks, friend, if you're reading this!) to keep my thoughts "in check" all the time, or the same thing will happen. When I begin to dwell on such things like, "I can't do this without Todd," or how difficult the days are raising these children to love God without Todd's help, it can get "messy." I have to be constantly "cleaning" my thoughts with how much God loves me, how much He is in control, and how He will provide the strength necessary to keep going!

School...already?

What happened to the summer? I can't believe we are preparing for another year of school already. The boys worked through the summer, and have both given their notices that they will begin school soon. Abe will begin his second year of college (wow!) next week, and I (drum roll, please....and prayers!!) will be attempting to homeschool the two youngest. We used to homeschool, but since Todd's death, it's been so difficult to even think about doing that again. Todd was a great support and encourager for us when we homeschooled. And here I am, preparing to try again, without him. Most days I think I'm crazy. Either that, or I just cry when I try to plan to homeschool again without my best buddy and friend.
It's going to be strange homeschooling without Todd. Winter will be in 5th grade and Toby will be in the K5 program. The others will be home, but they are enrolled in a cyber school.

This is a big year for us with birthdays, too. Trina will be turning 16 in a few weeks. Toby will be turning 5 in October. Nathan will be 18 in March, and Abe 20 in May. Our kids are growing, with what I feel like, behind my back! I feel "stuck" in time when they were just 18 months, 6, 10, 12, 14, and 15...how old they all were when Todd died. It just doesn't seem possible. I never dreamed we would be celebrating all these birthdays without Dad. It's just weird.

Anyway, we're off to start a new school year. It will be a challenge, I am sure, but it is good to know that God will be here with us, and will continue to give us strength and grace to get through another year.