Claiming God's Promises

II Corinthians 4:7-9 says "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;"

God promises His strength, even when I feel so very weak.
God promises He will never forsake me, even when I feel so very lonely.
God promises heaven one day, even when I feel hopeless.

Last week we had Vacation Bible School at our church, and although every day made me miss Todd more, God provided a good week, and provided the strength needed to get us through. Praise the Lord!

The last few days have been filled with major tasks that seem impossible and that make me miss Todd even more, yet once again God's promises of strength and enablement have been met.

At the end of the last school year, I had to evaluate the children's education and make some huge decisions, alone, without Todd's guidance and help. I really wanted to homeschool Toby (kindergarten) and Winter (5th grade), so I began the process and paperwork and ordering of books to head that direction. As August draws ever more near, I am fearful that I made the wrong decision, and I miss Todd. I wonder if I can do this without him. I also decided to change schools for Nathan (12th grade) and Trina (11th grade). Yesterday I tried to enroll them in a different school, and I froze. I cried. I missed Todd. So many memories, and of course the first person we met knew Todd and his siblings. I didn't know the correct response to one of the questions "Child lives with both parents? Mother only? Father only? etc..." so I put "Mother only." The lady asked me if I had any court papers. When I questioned her, she pointed to "Mother only" then saw later Todd's name under the father's information. Just saying it, saying the words, "Todd passed away..." is surreal and is honestly still painful.

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be ok to say those words or make decisions or even get through a day without it hurting so badly. I've heard "time heals..." but it doesn't. The more I do, the more I try to accomplish, the older the kids get...the more it hurts. I miss Todd: my best friend in the whole world, my dear husband, my confidant, my hero, our leader, my love, my encourager, my secret sharer, my soul mate... I miss him with all my heart.



Yet I am reminded that this pain is for a season, that Christ has promised to return one day, and that because of Calvary, I will spend eternity in heaven with Him, and reunited with Todd. So, until that time, I must (for the kids' sake and for God's glory) keep going, no matter how much it hurts.

Thank you, again, for those of you who pray for us! It means so much.

Some good "medicine"

"A merry heart does good, like medicine..." Proverbs 17:22a

Today I received a double-dose of some good medicine! I was blessed with two special visits, each bringing a "merry heart" and lots of laughter. It felt good to laugh today. This has been another long week, and today was such a blessing to be able to laugh.

Sue, my cousin and good friend, came and brought lunch. This is the cousin/friend who helped me take care of Todd when he was so sick. She is like a bolt of sunshine and can light up a room like no one else I know. She brought a lot of smiles, but she also was
a huge encouragement today. She reminded me that there is no "time table" for grief. She acknowledged the deep and painful sorrow that I still feel in missing Todd, and assured me that this was perfectly "normal" ...17 wonderful years can not just be "forgotten" or "gotten over" in a few short years. It felt good to cry, and it felt good to laugh, too.

Then there was Amy, who came with her family and bought us pizza for dinner. It was easy to talk about Todd in front of this family. We didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable mentioning his name. Amy has been an incredible friend, always there, always encouraging, and always directing my thoughts to my Savior and God. She's great. But she needs improvement in winning
gracefully. My Dad bought the kids an early Christmas present this week....a Wii. I made the mistake of beating Amy (gracefully, btw) in a game of tennis, and she in return, beat me and let everyone know it...harsh. But I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Her husband helped in that area as well. He's hysterical, and I am so thankful for the laughter he brought to our home today.

Tonight I am thanking God for the blessings of a merry heart and for the double-dose of good medicine I received today. I thank God for my cousin, Sue. And I thank God for Amy and Brent. What a great day! God is good.

A long weekend

It's been awhile since I've been able to think of anything good to write, or have even felt like writing. However, I am thanking God tonight for my family and for Todd. Our kids are growing so fast, but I am so proud of every one of them. Lately Toby keeps saying, "Let's talk about Daddy." We cry together, but mostly we laugh, and then we talk about who will kiss and hug him first in heaven.

Yet as we talk about heaven one day, I am always reminded that our first and foremost joy will be in seeing our Savior. I have a feeling (especially after our pastor's messages lately) that I (and all of us) will be flat on our faces before Him. But what an awesome time that will be! To be in His presence, to see Him, to talk with Him... wow. For me, I have the added blessing of being reunited with the love of my life, too. To stand (or be face down) next to Todd in heaven....wow again. Sometimes I think I am bit too anxious. The older kids get nervous when I talk with any passion about it. One time when I was driving and noticing the beautiful sunset and brilliant colors in the sky, I asked all the kids if they knew for sure they were on their way to heaven (thinking about Christ's return one day in the clouds). I asked about how, when, and their assurance of salvation. As the van grew quiet, Abe (sitting next to me in the passenger's seat) softly asked, "Mom, why did you ask us that?" I tried to explain, and he said, "Bad timing, Mom. Not when you're driving down the highway at 60 mph with a van load of kids!" oops

This weekend was a long and difficult one. I don't know if I ever wrote about the Fourth of July. That was when Todd proposed to me. I'll always remember the day we spent together on the beach, eating on the boardwalk, watching the kites in the field, and finally the fireworks. During the grand finale, with all the explosions and excitement and music, Todd got down on one knee and tried to get my attention. Admittingly I was annoyed. He was missing the best part and trying to get me to miss it as well! When I glanced down, I nearly fainted. He was holding a ring and saying something I couldn't hear. Later I found out he had been rehearsing a speech for weeks, poor guy. He says I never said yes, but I never heard him ask! We stopped at a little restaurant on the way home, and I showed everyone in the place my ring. I remember looking at it all the way home from the shore, snuggled under his right arm, feeling like nothing could ever be better than how I felt that night.

Then Sunday was another 6th, marking 38 months living without Todd. It's been a long, difficult, and lonely weekend, but one where God felt close. I am so thankful for a God I can trust with my whole being: my life, my emotions, my salvation. God is good. He is the only One sustaining me, the only way through these dark days. I can't wait to see Him and to be with Him (and Todd!) for eternity. One day...

Family Reunions

Today I took all our kids to my Grandmother's 96th birthday "party." I never was a big fan of family reunions...seeing aunts and uncles and cousins who we normally only see on these special occasions, once a year or once every 5 years or so. Todd, on the other hand, loved them. He loved talking with family, catching up, and hearing their stories over and over again from years gone by. He would make the kids listen to the stories, telling them how much they could learn, let alone the sheer entertainment of how my Grandmother would discipline my aunts and uncles, who all are grandparents themselves, many years ago (before there was television, car, or video game privileges to be taken away). Todd would find ways to get us up to the old farm where my Grandmother and uncle live, just to visit for an afternoon. Going back there today was bittersweet. I love my Uncle Andy. I love my Grandmother. But somehow being there without Todd was not fun. It was like an unspoken thought from everyone behind their smiles: "We sure miss Todd." One of my cousins was there who recently lost her husband, John. Todd and John would always be talking and joking together at these gatherings. As I talked with my cousin, we were both holding back tears. Even though we didn't say it verbally, we both missed our men. I could hear them laughing and joking. It was surreal.

Life will never be as it was when Todd was here. He was so much a part of so many lives. I feel lost again tonight. I miss him.

Yet once again I am reminded of God's promises, that He will never leave us or forsake us. I'm thankful for His tender care and for His love for us. I miss Todd so very much, yet I am thankful for his love for me and for so many. The words to that song come to mind again: "...I probably wouldn't be this way, I probably wouldn't hurt so bad...God gave me a moment's grace, cuz if I never saw your face...I probably wouldn't be this way..."

Thank you God for Todd.

The Waves and Walking on Them

A friend sent me a devotional she had read about Peter walking on the water. Remember he was fine until he took his eyes off of Jesus? These lines from the devotional that was shared really stood out to me:

"If you are recognizing your Lord, you have no business with where He engineers your circumstances. The actual things are, but immediately you look at them you are overwhelmed, you cannot recognize Jesus, and the rebuke comes: "Wherefore didst thou doubt?" Let actual circumstances be what they may, keep recognizing Jesus, maintain complete reliance on Him."

The circumstance for me, living this life without Todd, is overwhelming. I am learning that I need to keep my eyes on Jesus, if I am ever to "walk on the waves" or get through this life circumstance that God has allowed me. God is good. I'm learning, slowly, but I'm learning. Trusting Him through every day/hour, leaning not unto my own understanding...

Whatever you may be facing today, remember to keep trusting, keeping your eyes on Jesus! It's the only way to walk on those waves!

Another Nature Lesson

Check this out. I tried to get a picture, but I don't think you can see it clearly. I was looking at the roses beginning to bloom again (from the rose bush that Todd had asked my sister to buy when he was sick, so that I would continue to get roses "from him"). One rose was in full bloom, but it looked odd. The main stem from which it grew, had been cut off (I was attempting to prune them earlier), but this flower grew sideways from just where the cut had been made, but only with half a stem!


God has been showing me some great things lately. He's been "growing me" in so many areas. It hasn't been easy. I still hurt and I still miss Todd with all my heart....but could it be God was showing me today in this flower that He can still "grow" me, even with the little that is left after His "pruning?"

Friday the 6th

Another one of those "special" days is coming. I'm noticing more and more that those days themselves are not usually as difficult as I have made them to be. It's the anticipation, and sometimes the day after, that is the most difficult.

I am once again reminded of the day Todd entered into heaven. He did so on a Friday, late afternoon, in May. This Friday will mark our 37th month living without Dad. Our family is forever changed, but learning much, as we seek to please our good and loving Father. Although our hearts still ache, we can see God's care, provision, and love on our lives.

The children and I were looking through old pictures, and after hearing To Where You Are by Josh Groban, I had to put them together for a slide show. I couldn't end there, however. I added another song that has meant a lot to me....Trusting You. I hope and pray you are blessed as I was. God is good.

I Feel Like I'm Shrinking!

Can you even find me in these pictures? The first one was taken with Todd in 2004, when we visited my brother, Dave.



But this one was taken in March, 2008, when we went to visit Dave.



I was amazed when we received this photo in the mail today. Our children are beginning to tower over me! Everyone is growing so fast. It's still hard for me to believe that Todd is no longer here with us. I know that sounds crazy, but when I look at these children every day, watching them grow up before my eyes, it seems Todd is simply in the other room. We often talked about "When the kids got older..." and now it's happening. Now that the kids are older: there won't be any dinner dates out alone, there won't be any weekends at the shore for just the two of us, there won't be any spontaneous vacations, and no long walks together in the park, holding hands instead of pushing strollers and/or pulling wagons.

As the children grow taller and I shrink in their shadows, I am feeling more and more alone. I am so thankful for God's promises:

"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;" (II Cor. 4:8-9).

"...I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." (Hebrews 13:5b)

"Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also." (John 14:1-3)

Tasting Memories?

Is that even possible? Over the last few days I think I've actually been tasting memories!

Todd and I both loved the shore and the boardwalk. I've only taken the children twice since he died. I miss it, but it's hard going when he's not going with us. We got engaged there. We spent many, many family vacations there. Anyway, we always made sure we had fudge and caramel popcorn for the drive home. Of course most times these items barely made it to the van, and rarely made it all the way home. We tried to prolong our time spent at the shore and boardwalk as long as possible by eating popcorn and fudge all the way home!

Well, thanks to my niece who brought some back after her visit to the shore this weekend, we once again were enjoying the famous Johnson's Popcorn and fudge from the famous Fudge Kitchen. YUM!!



Today I was brought chocolate from the Wilbur's Chocolate Factory. Todd used to bring me home some of their chocolate when he delivered there. YUM again! We would hide this precious chocolate from the children, so they had no idea what it was when my friend brought some to us today. (yes, I did share with the children, but I didn't want to!!) The taste was divine.

While eating those yummy treats, there came a lot of memories. I could hear Todd's laugh again. I could see his smile. I could taste his kisses after we shared that special chocolate we hid from the kids.... ahhhhh, the taste of memories!

As usual when these good memories come, I thank God for Todd and for all those precious times we shared.

Memorial Day

There are so many memories. Todd always made sure we remembered the fallen soldiers over this weekend. He would take the children to the graves of relatives who were veterans, and some who were KIA, with flags to decorate. We would talk about the soldiers. We would pray for them.

Before I began this blog, I came across a blog that has touched my heart and for which I am so grateful for. I love going there. This Memorial Day weekend, I would encourage you to make a visit there.

You will read of a man of God, Sgt. James J. Holtom, who gave his life for this country.


You will read (and be blessed) of his loved one....the one he was planning on spending the rest of his life with. She is strong. She is courageous. She is faithful to God. Please be blessed by reading of this young lady who loved a soldier.
This Memorial Day weekend I will be praying for Sgt. Holtom's family, and for Mel and her family and remember the fallen. Thank you, God, for Jim and for all of our fallen soldiers. Thank you, God, for the United States of America and the freedoms we enjoy here.

Remember this song, 3rd verse, and common chorus?

"O Beautiful, for heroes proved
In liberating strife,
Who more than self their country loved,
And mercy more than life!

America! America!
May God thy gold refine
Till all success be nobleness
And every gain divine!

America! America!
God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!"
--Samuel A. Ward