Happy Birthday Tiffany!

Tiffany turned 14 years old today. Birthdays are still not "right" without Todd here, but we are learning to celebrate them as best we can. It seems like every December 27th something happens that "out does" Tiff's special day. One year it was my parent's 50th wedding anniversary big party. One year it was everyone getting sick....except Tiff! It always seems to be something. Today was no different. My sister's son had a special wedding reception at their church tonight. He had gotten married in October in Wisconsin, so tonight they had a video of the wedding and a reception that this side of the country could enjoy (those too cheap to travel for the real thing). We planned the day so that Tiff would get most of the attention: we would have an early dinner....her favorite meal....with Granddad and Grandmom, and then sing and cut the cake, then head out to the reception about 45 minutes away. Great. We get ready to sit down to dinner with my parents, and their ride comes! They rushed around, leaving us at the table to eat without them. We decided to wait until later to cut the cake and sing with them. Only problem with that was the length of the video and travel time. We had to come home and get ready for bed! We sang, cut the cake, and ate it without the Grands. It happened again this year. Poor Tiff. Happy Birthday, Tiffany! Here she is at her cousin's wedding reception, smiling like usual! I love this girl!



The Christmas season is just not a good time for a birthday. Todd would know about that, being born on Christmas! Oh well. We tried. The day is nearly over. Praise the Lord for His goodness. One more day done. Trying to get ready for the next one...

Very Special Thanks...

God continues to bless our family in ways I could never imagine. Today my cousin stopped in and gave us a check from Grace Bible Fellowship Church where he is a deacon. Once again, God's timing was/is perfect. What a blessing just when I was wondering how I was going to feed all the extended family that will be showing up on Christmas! Is God amazing or what?

This evening we attended Fellowship Church, where our family received a huge basket filled with gifts that went above and beyond anyone's expectations for this Christmas! I think Toby's face says it all:



It's hard to believe that there could be a bigger blessing than seeing my children's eyes light up when opening those gifts and hearing their comments of how they couldn't believe how expensive everything was, but there was even more blessing tonight. I was reminded by Pastor John that no matter how difficult the days feel, no matter how much I miss Todd, no matter how many tears I shed, no matter how hopeless I feel, there is so much more that God has GIVEN me. Pastor John reminded us to look at all we HAVE, rather than all we are missing. He reminded us that God has given us so much, including our very salvation from sin and separation from God. I have hope! I have the hope and promise of heaven one day!

I am thanking God for His gift of Jesus and salvation tonight. I am thanking God for my six wonderful, incredible, fantastic children. I am choosing to thank God for all He has blessed me with, rather than going to that familiar pity party and feeling miserable tonight!

My very special thanks to Grace Bible Fellowship, Fellowship Church, and Pastor John with his message of thankfulness for our hope and salvation and many gifts, from God.

Lights and Cookies!

Tonight the kids and I drove around to look at Christmas lights. We counted how many times we saw the Nativity...five. I can remember when we saw a Nativity on nearly every lawn! Anyway, we had a good time. We found a live nativity at a church nearby, and stopped in for that as well. The kids were a little embarrassed when I pulled in with my lights on and accidentally lit up their shepherds waiting quietly in the darkness until the spotlight shown on them. I didn't realize they were reading the entire Biblical account of Christ's birth and lighting up different areas of the property to show the story....oops. We also tried to walk through the park where all the lights were with different displays, but it was so cold I ended up running with Toby around the inner circle and back to the van. The older ones seemed embarrassed again at us running through the place. Oh well. Toby wanted to run around again, because she missed some displays, but no one would take her...it was just too cold. It wasn't the same as when we did this with Dad, but hey, at least we went this year!

We came home and the girls and I made cookies. They weren't exactly Christmas cookies with cute little cut-outs and fancy decorations, but they were cookies. Not edible, but they were cookies! I tried a new idea I had seen in a magazine. I realized tonight that the picture isn't nearly as good as the real thing in making cookies. The recipe asked for Jolly Rancher candies to be smashed and put in the center of a cookie dough ball. Then bake, and again, the picture looked so yummy! Well, I couldn't even get them off of the pan after the candy melted and acted like cement. The boys tried what I was able to scrape and chisel off of the pan, and one commented it was like fast-drying tasty cement, but they didn't recommend anyone with cavities to try them. Knowing nearly every tooth has a filling in my mouth, I didn't think I should try any, BUT, of course I did anyway. They were right....once I got to the melted candy part, I found it very difficult to chew because my teeth were glued together. Not nice. Not edible! Oh well. Toby wanted to eat them, but I was afraid she wouldn't be able to open her mouth for a month (and she's supposed to sing in the children's choir tomorrow at church). It wasn't the same as when we made Christmas cookies in years past, but hey, at least we made them this year!

We Got Our Christmas Tree!

...and this year we decided to make it a "Daddy Tree." It is decorated with home-made ornaments from the kids, and things that were special to Todd. I love it. Way to go, kids! I think it looks great!

Christmas

Repeat...from last year. I love this song. I am praying for God's strength for every day. I don't understand. My heart is hurting. Todd was born on December 25th. It all is mixing together again in a fog of bewilderment, pain, and memories. The memories are good, and I thank God for them. I cherish them. I just wish they didn't hurt so much.

Post Thanksgiving Thoughts

Yesterday I ate too much, but didn't cook at all. Yesterday my kitchen was more clean AFTER dinner, than it was in the morning. Yesterday I sat on my butt, and even hid in my room for awhile, and didn't feel badly about it at all. Yesterday I was blessed by my sister-in-law (she is welcome here anytime!). :) She came over Wednesday night and early Thursday to prepare a Thanksgiving feast for my kids and for her kids, and everything went perfectly, including my daughter beating her son in checkers 3 times! It was a good day.

I am thankful for a lot of things every day, but living these past years without Todd has made me even more grateful for God. He has been our strength and our hope. I love this verse. Isaiah 41:13 says: For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. God has certainly held me and helped me these years. There are times when I feel like I am going to crumble under the weight of so much responsibility that is left for me in raising these children alone. I could not have asked for a better husband and father to help me; I am thankful for the many, many good memories, but I am also thankful to God for giving me those 17 years with Todd.

Thanks, Kimmie, for a good day yesterday....you're great. You are always welcome here! We love you (not just for your cooking!).

Thanks to God for Todd, and for His salvation and help and strength and love and guidance.

Wendy is...

...now on facebook. My kids warned me not to do it, but I was trying to get hold of a friend, and got sucked in. In the last couple of weeks, I have been reconnected with childhood friends, friends from high school and college, and family members who I rarely get to see or talk with anymore. It's been quite an experience, but my children were right. It's time-consuming and I'm addicted!

At first I felt overwhelmed with all the people and tried to write to everyone. Now I enjoy just reading how they are doing. Last night I was missing Todd alot, but God showed me that I am not alone here on this earth, even though it feels like it. I am blessed with so many great friends and family. I still feel alone, but I am thanking God for so many dear friends and family! God is good!

Student of the Month: Trina!

My student of the month for October has to be Trina. She's been helping so much around here, and I rarely hear any complaints from her. She consistently and diligently does her school work, and unfortunately, I hardly even notice. One course that is giving her an especially difficult time is Creative Writing. That's odd, because she LOVES to write. This course, however, has begun with poetry. yuk. She seems to be getting through, but doesn't enjoy that form of writing as much as others (wonder where she gets that from?). Anyway, she usually asks me to go over her work (when I'm not tuned out or when I'm actually focused!), and I am so proud of her. She's doing very well. Often she will write about her Dad. It's difficult to look over those writings, but I love this poem and had to share it with everyone. (it WAS in a form of a smiley face)


My Dad’s Smile

My father
Was my hero. He was
Brave and a very, very strong man
He always knew just what to say to me
I loved him so much, and knew he loved me
He was very smart. Knew everything about life,
friends with everyone, and he was very handsome too


Blue eyes


Round nose
And


HIS SMILE!


My father had a smile. It used to light up a room.
He would smile and make everyone happy.
Even when people were sad, my father
Could make them smile
That was my father.

Too Much!!

The days have been full and much has been happening. Before too much time passes, I wanted to share how much fun Toby had at her birthday party. She had the biggest smile, and all of her "bestest friends" were there.



We had her party at an indoor soft playground called KidsQuest....the same place we had Trina and Tiff and Winter's 5th bday parties. Everyone had a good time, but I have to say, it was not as fun as the other parties. Todd made those things fun, and without him, there was definitely a big part of Toby's special party missing.

My favorite great nephew had a big birthday party as well. Eban turned one!!! Happy Birthday, Eban! That was a fun party, too, but once again, at least for me, the fun Todd provided was missing. It wasn't easy to see family and friends, hear their conversations, and answer that question, "How are you doing, Wendy?" But it was another great birthday for a great nephew!

This last week I've had some visits from some friends I haven't seen in awhile. Friends are great. Each one brings their own unique personality. Both visitors knew Todd. Both visitors lost their husbands and have children. Both visitors know what loss is and how it feels. Yet every one of us is different. Everyone experiences loss differently. But here's the thing. They appear to be doing so much better than I am. I've come to understand and realize that this ache, deep in my being, may never go away until heaven. Yet these dear friends are living through that ache. They are embracing life and even enjoying it. I'm not there yet. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong in this process, but nothing seems to be working. Life is not fun anymore. I feel like I hurt more with each new day, each step I take, everything we do.

I am thankful for friends. I am especially thankful for these friends and for their faith in our good God. I am learning that each circumstance and each personality and each life is different, but God is the same. He is our comfort. He is our strength. He is good. By His grace and His strength, I hope one day soon to be able to experience life again as Todd and I did together. Some day...

Thomas Paine on the 2nd Revolution!