40 months

Sounds like a long time, but sometimes it feels like an instant. All the memories of Todd's sickness, those days in the hospital, the weeks here at home, and even that last day he was here with us, are all so close and vivid in my mind, making it feel like just yesterday.

40 months. God has taught me a lot. He has been our help, our strength, and our provider.

40 months. The children are growing up too fast. Time has stood still for me, and it's difficult to realize that we now have a 19 year old son in his second year of college, and in two days our oldest daughter will be turning 16.

40 months. That's a lot of months. Time moves on, despite my desperately holding on to the past, to the feel of Todd's rough hands, his soft touch, his thick hair and stubby beards, and, of course, that never-ending smile (I still see that clearly when I close my eyes at night!).

40 months. A long time. Oh, for one more touch, one more kiss, one more conversation...just one more day. Yet I was promised eternity with my Savior, the God of heaven, and with my sweet Todd. "I never felt more homesick than now!"

40 months. Thank you, God, for your care through them.

Fighting the system...and losing

After spending hours on the phone and standing in long lines waiting for people who I never saw or heard of before, I have come to the realization that I am fighting a lost cause against a powerful, immovable system. They're too big and they really don't care anything about anyone's individual situation, only if an individual meets the pre-set qualifications for the "system." I have heard that word used countless times this week. This "system" is screwed up, and it is also screwing up the people's lives that it was originally established to help!

I learned today that I and my older children are now ineligible for medical assistance because of the Survivor's benefit we receive. Praise God the younger children are all covered and considered "eligible," but get this: I apparently don't have enough income to be eligible for medical benefits from one program, yet I have too much income to qualify for the other benefits. Where does this leave me and the older children? Oh, but they told me today that if I was pregnant, I would be eligible for full benefits, including coverage on all prescription medications! I asked if I went and got pregnant, if next month I could call them back and be given the coverage, and they said "Yes, that is how the system is set up. If you become pregnant, then immediately you would qualify for full coverage."

I'm so thankful my God is in control and that this life here on earth is temporary. I'm so thankful Jesus is preparing a place for me, a place where I won't need to worry about who will take care of me or my children...God, the Creator and King of Kings will be our care provider! How cool is that? I'm so thankful that this "system" is not permanent, and that one day Jesus will rule here and make everything right. Praise the Lord.

But until then, well, I don't know anymore. I'm at a loss, and my loss of Todd is making me feel all that much more alone in this "system." This week I've felt like it's me alone against the unmoving, all-powerful "system." I feel so small and so alone. I miss Todd.

First Week of School

Well, just sitting here writing this shows you that we survived our first week of school. Praise the Lord! It didn't come without many obstacles and problems, but we finished an entire week! phew.

Abe had stories to tell every day when he returned from classes. He certainly is going to have an interesting 2nd year at college.

Nathan worked one last final week, but he'll be starting his senior year next week.

Trina worked hard on taking pretests and getting started on her courses, while Tiff struggled to fill the hours as her classes begin officially next week.

Winter and Toby: well, they certainly enjoyed all the extra attention they received from me. I feel totally overwhelmed. I'm not quite sure what to say about the week with them, except that they both were very excited and did well with their school work. I never realized how much fun Todd brought to homeschooling; this week seemed so much more of a "task" than previous years. I really missed Todd this week. "I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me." Yes, very clearly the only way through this school year is going to be Christ strengthening me!

I'm just glad we have an extra day off with Labor Day this weekend....that probably sounds crazy after only a week of school, but then again, I may be going crazy!

Gross bathroom lesson

Don't worry, I won't give details, but today I was in the "main" bathroom, the one all 6 kids use, and I was shocked! It was a mess! I had just finished cleaning it, too! yuk. I wanted to walk away and "teach them a lesson" by not cleaning it again, but then I realized if I left the mess, it would be there, only worse, the next time I made a visit. As I was cleaning, AGAIN, I was thinking how much that bathroom is like sin in my life. If you ignore it, it gets worse. You have to be cleaning daily (sometimes hourly!), or it will just continue to get worse.

I was reminded again how important it is (thanks, friend, if you're reading this!) to keep my thoughts "in check" all the time, or the same thing will happen. When I begin to dwell on such things like, "I can't do this without Todd," or how difficult the days are raising these children to love God without Todd's help, it can get "messy." I have to be constantly "cleaning" my thoughts with how much God loves me, how much He is in control, and how He will provide the strength necessary to keep going!

School...already?

What happened to the summer? I can't believe we are preparing for another year of school already. The boys worked through the summer, and have both given their notices that they will begin school soon. Abe will begin his second year of college (wow!) next week, and I (drum roll, please....and prayers!!) will be attempting to homeschool the two youngest. We used to homeschool, but since Todd's death, it's been so difficult to even think about doing that again. Todd was a great support and encourager for us when we homeschooled. And here I am, preparing to try again, without him. Most days I think I'm crazy. Either that, or I just cry when I try to plan to homeschool again without my best buddy and friend.
It's going to be strange homeschooling without Todd. Winter will be in 5th grade and Toby will be in the K5 program. The others will be home, but they are enrolled in a cyber school.

This is a big year for us with birthdays, too. Trina will be turning 16 in a few weeks. Toby will be turning 5 in October. Nathan will be 18 in March, and Abe 20 in May. Our kids are growing, with what I feel like, behind my back! I feel "stuck" in time when they were just 18 months, 6, 10, 12, 14, and 15...how old they all were when Todd died. It just doesn't seem possible. I never dreamed we would be celebrating all these birthdays without Dad. It's just weird.

Anyway, we're off to start a new school year. It will be a challenge, I am sure, but it is good to know that God will be here with us, and will continue to give us strength and grace to get through another year.

Lots of Smiles!

Lots of smiles here today and yesterday, thanks to EBAN!! I'm a great Aunt! Eban is not just my nephew's son, but I'm also just a great aunt. Between Eban and Toby, we had plenty of much-needed smiles around here. Hopefully the following pictures will make you smile, too!









Did it work? Did you smile too? I hope so!

Letters and Landscapers

Another "6th," making today 39 months living without Todd. I received a letter from Todd's Mom today. In a short letter, the words "lonely" and "alone" appeared five times. Todd's father died in Feb, 1999, when our Winter Hope was a month old. Todd was torn between his infant daughter's health concerns and being with his Mom. He did well. His Mom knew he loved her. He was there for her when she needed him. The letter spoke of Todd's siblings and how they are there for her now. I'm praising the Lord for them, yet I feel I should be there for her as well. I know all about those words "lonely" and "alone," and I'm living with a house full of kids!

A landscaper stopped by today, offering a great deal to remove some trees and do some pruning, and asked if my husband was home. Yes, Todd is home in heaven, but not here. I had to say the words again, "My husband passed away..." and the tears came. As he drove down the drive, he said, "Keep your chin up, it could be worse." I tried to smile. Worse? maybe to some, but for me, no, it can't get any worse than losing the one person on earth who meant the most to me.

Yet God continues to care for us. Trina (15) reminded me today that God is always here, and that He will never leave us. I knew that, but at a time when I was missing Todd, aching to talk with him again, it was good to be reminded. God hears. God sees. God knows. ...and God cares. Thank you, again, to those praying for us! He hears your prayers and is answering. He is good.

Claiming God's Promises

II Corinthians 4:7-9 says "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;"

God promises His strength, even when I feel so very weak.
God promises He will never forsake me, even when I feel so very lonely.
God promises heaven one day, even when I feel hopeless.

Last week we had Vacation Bible School at our church, and although every day made me miss Todd more, God provided a good week, and provided the strength needed to get us through. Praise the Lord!

The last few days have been filled with major tasks that seem impossible and that make me miss Todd even more, yet once again God's promises of strength and enablement have been met.

At the end of the last school year, I had to evaluate the children's education and make some huge decisions, alone, without Todd's guidance and help. I really wanted to homeschool Toby (kindergarten) and Winter (5th grade), so I began the process and paperwork and ordering of books to head that direction. As August draws ever more near, I am fearful that I made the wrong decision, and I miss Todd. I wonder if I can do this without him. I also decided to change schools for Nathan (12th grade) and Trina (11th grade). Yesterday I tried to enroll them in a different school, and I froze. I cried. I missed Todd. So many memories, and of course the first person we met knew Todd and his siblings. I didn't know the correct response to one of the questions "Child lives with both parents? Mother only? Father only? etc..." so I put "Mother only." The lady asked me if I had any court papers. When I questioned her, she pointed to "Mother only" then saw later Todd's name under the father's information. Just saying it, saying the words, "Todd passed away..." is surreal and is honestly still painful.

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be ok to say those words or make decisions or even get through a day without it hurting so badly. I've heard "time heals..." but it doesn't. The more I do, the more I try to accomplish, the older the kids get...the more it hurts. I miss Todd: my best friend in the whole world, my dear husband, my confidant, my hero, our leader, my love, my encourager, my secret sharer, my soul mate... I miss him with all my heart.



Yet I am reminded that this pain is for a season, that Christ has promised to return one day, and that because of Calvary, I will spend eternity in heaven with Him, and reunited with Todd. So, until that time, I must (for the kids' sake and for God's glory) keep going, no matter how much it hurts.

Thank you, again, for those of you who pray for us! It means so much.

Some good "medicine"

"A merry heart does good, like medicine..." Proverbs 17:22a

Today I received a double-dose of some good medicine! I was blessed with two special visits, each bringing a "merry heart" and lots of laughter. It felt good to laugh today. This has been another long week, and today was such a blessing to be able to laugh.

Sue, my cousin and good friend, came and brought lunch. This is the cousin/friend who helped me take care of Todd when he was so sick. She is like a bolt of sunshine and can light up a room like no one else I know. She brought a lot of smiles, but she also was
a huge encouragement today. She reminded me that there is no "time table" for grief. She acknowledged the deep and painful sorrow that I still feel in missing Todd, and assured me that this was perfectly "normal" ...17 wonderful years can not just be "forgotten" or "gotten over" in a few short years. It felt good to cry, and it felt good to laugh, too.

Then there was Amy, who came with her family and bought us pizza for dinner. It was easy to talk about Todd in front of this family. We didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable mentioning his name. Amy has been an incredible friend, always there, always encouraging, and always directing my thoughts to my Savior and God. She's great. But she needs improvement in winning
gracefully. My Dad bought the kids an early Christmas present this week....a Wii. I made the mistake of beating Amy (gracefully, btw) in a game of tennis, and she in return, beat me and let everyone know it...harsh. But I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Her husband helped in that area as well. He's hysterical, and I am so thankful for the laughter he brought to our home today.

Tonight I am thanking God for the blessings of a merry heart and for the double-dose of good medicine I received today. I thank God for my cousin, Sue. And I thank God for Amy and Brent. What a great day! God is good.

A long weekend

It's been awhile since I've been able to think of anything good to write, or have even felt like writing. However, I am thanking God tonight for my family and for Todd. Our kids are growing so fast, but I am so proud of every one of them. Lately Toby keeps saying, "Let's talk about Daddy." We cry together, but mostly we laugh, and then we talk about who will kiss and hug him first in heaven.

Yet as we talk about heaven one day, I am always reminded that our first and foremost joy will be in seeing our Savior. I have a feeling (especially after our pastor's messages lately) that I (and all of us) will be flat on our faces before Him. But what an awesome time that will be! To be in His presence, to see Him, to talk with Him... wow. For me, I have the added blessing of being reunited with the love of my life, too. To stand (or be face down) next to Todd in heaven....wow again. Sometimes I think I am bit too anxious. The older kids get nervous when I talk with any passion about it. One time when I was driving and noticing the beautiful sunset and brilliant colors in the sky, I asked all the kids if they knew for sure they were on their way to heaven (thinking about Christ's return one day in the clouds). I asked about how, when, and their assurance of salvation. As the van grew quiet, Abe (sitting next to me in the passenger's seat) softly asked, "Mom, why did you ask us that?" I tried to explain, and he said, "Bad timing, Mom. Not when you're driving down the highway at 60 mph with a van load of kids!" oops

This weekend was a long and difficult one. I don't know if I ever wrote about the Fourth of July. That was when Todd proposed to me. I'll always remember the day we spent together on the beach, eating on the boardwalk, watching the kites in the field, and finally the fireworks. During the grand finale, with all the explosions and excitement and music, Todd got down on one knee and tried to get my attention. Admittingly I was annoyed. He was missing the best part and trying to get me to miss it as well! When I glanced down, I nearly fainted. He was holding a ring and saying something I couldn't hear. Later I found out he had been rehearsing a speech for weeks, poor guy. He says I never said yes, but I never heard him ask! We stopped at a little restaurant on the way home, and I showed everyone in the place my ring. I remember looking at it all the way home from the shore, snuggled under his right arm, feeling like nothing could ever be better than how I felt that night.

Then Sunday was another 6th, marking 38 months living without Todd. It's been a long, difficult, and lonely weekend, but one where God felt close. I am so thankful for a God I can trust with my whole being: my life, my emotions, my salvation. God is good. He is the only One sustaining me, the only way through these dark days. I can't wait to see Him and to be with Him (and Todd!) for eternity. One day...