Tales of Six Kids

Summer's Gone.....Fall is Upon Us!

2011-09-22T00:23:00.008-04:00

I can't believe a whole summer has gone by since I've written on my blog. I apologize, but it's been a long, difficult summer. It began when my parents came up early to say goodbye to their closest friend, Ruth Allen, who was like a second mother to me. She had suffered for 2 years in and out of hospitals and care units, struggling with pain and discomfort, and the pain of being separated from family, children, grandchildren, and friends. Mr. Allen never left her side. He visited her every day, and nothing could stop him, including his own pain he was enduring. I tried to visit as much as possible, but it hurt. Memories came flooding back. The day after my last visit with Mrs. Allen, she went to be with her Savior and Lord. The family had left to make funeral arrangements, and it was almost like she waited until she was alone. Less than two weeks later, after missing his wife's own funeral because he was in the hospital, Mr. Allen went to be with his Savior and Lord. Gone. Just like that. I miss them both dearly.

It wasn't too much longer after that, that my brother's girlfriend's mother took a turn for the worse in her battle with cancer. I tried to help my taking her up as much as I could to see her Mom in a hospice out of state. Again, lots of memories and very difficult for me. I cried myself to sleep most nights.

Then on the way to church one night, we saw a horrible motorcycle accident. When I got to church, my brother texted me this: "That motorcycle accident was Tommy. He died." ????? WHAT??? My cousin, Tommy Mills, Jr. had been trying to help a fellow biker, and they got too close, the accident occurred, and he died. I still can't believe this one. It's too crazy. He was a good cousin. His Dad, Uncle Tom, was and is the coolest uncle I have. I love Uncle Tom, and he had just lost his wife, Aunt Phylis a couple years before. Just so unbelievable.

The day of Tommy's funeral, my brother's gf got a call that her Mother had taken a turn for the worse and wasn't going to be living very long. My brother stayed at the funeral and I drove his gf to see her mom. It was heart-wrenching. She kept fighting for every breath, and then finally Dan's gf told me she couldn't stay anymore (we had been there all day), and that she wanted to go home. So we did. As soon as we pulled in the driveway, her cell phone rang, and we found out her mom had just passed away.

That's a lot of people to lose in one summer. That's also a lot of memories. The toughest memory this summer was when I was sitting with a dear friend's family waiting to hear the result of a surgery that was meant to remove a large tumor in her abdomen. That was a long day. The result? cancer. I could barely breathe. I had had enough, and still have difficulty thinking and even praying for her, because it hurts so very much to see a friend who is like family suffering like she is, like Todd did.

However, Father has been good. He's been so faithful. He's the only reason to keep moving forward, so I will. Each day seems to bring some new challenge, heartache, or surprise for us, but knowing Father knows it all helps us to keep going!

No Greater Love Ocean.avi

2011-05-11T22:47:00.000-04:00

The Passion of the Christ

2011-04-23T15:27:00.004-04:00

Last night the older kids and I watched this movie for the first time. I wasn't sure what to expect. I had heard so many conflicting viewpoints about this movie, but after participating in a Bible Study called, The Cross from Setting Captives Free , I wanted to see for myself. I prayed much before viewing it.
I went to bed feeling totally overwhelmed with Christ's love for me. I was drawn to the character Mary in the movie, how much she loved her son, but yet how she "got it." She was so thankful to Him, but hurt so much for Him. I also was struck with how gentle, tender, selfless, and loving Jesus was to all those who hated Him. The actor's eyes helped me to realize that Jesus truly felt badly for those who rejected Him, for those who whipped Him unmercifully, for those who drove the nails into His hands....He truly LOVED them!
And then to realize that is how Jesus loves me, then as He hung on the cross, and now as He watches and cares and prays for me in heaven. He sees my tears and knows my pain. He understands like no one else ever could. And even more exciting, He arose so that one day I can see Him face to face! And if that isn't enough, I know because of all of this, His suffering, death, and resurrection, that I will one day see Todd again as well.
What more can I say? Happy Easter everyone! Be blessed and feel God's love for YOU this Easter and all year long!

New Stove!

2011-03-19T20:56:00.004-04:00

Yesterday we got a new stove! Earlier in the week while I was heating the oven, Winter and I heard a strange noise, and Winter pointed to the oven that was suddenly in flames. Of course, being the calm one in the family, I screamed for help and panicked! I did what any sane person would do and opened the oven door. Ok, maybe insane. More flames! After slamming the door and Tiff coming with a fire extinguisher, I managed to turn the oven off. It eventually smothered itself and went out.

One of the first things Todd promised me when we moved here was to get a new stove, because one of the burners was not working. I hated that, but soon learned how to cook with only two burners! After the fire when my oldest son came home, he insisted on us buying a new one, like the closest store was giving them away at 100% off or something. UGH.

When my other son came home, he unplugged the oven for me and stopped the power from the circuit box to that outlet. I felt better. I was scared of the thing! It was like it was possessed or something. Every time I went into the kitchen, it would stare at me. I was waiting for more flames to appear at any moment, but none came.

After the second night of cold cereal for dinner, my oldest son insisted on purchasing a new stove for us. He said he had money saved. So we went to look for a stove...three "children" and myself. All I could think about was what would Todd want. What would he pick out? What color would he want? So I let the kids pick it out. They did well. I LOVE my new, black oven!

Last night I cooked a big meal and we were privileged to have guests join us! Tonight I cooked again! Two nights in a row! I can't believe I'm writing this, but it was actually fun. My heart aches without Todd here to enjoy our new stove, and oh how I wish the meals I am cooking would be eaten and praised by him, but I am rejoicing in our new purchase, thanking Father for His goodness, and for my wonderful son!

February 27, 2011: My 23rd Anniversary

2011-02-27T17:52:00.000-05:00

23rd Wedding Anniversary

2011-02-26T13:32:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow, February 27th, will be my 23rd Wedding Anniversary. I sure miss Todd. Really wish we would be going out to dinner tomorrow night. Someday, I'll see him again, and I'm so thankful to Father that we will be spending eternity together, with Jesus! Yes!

What happened to January?

2011-02-20T22:53:00.005-05:00

OK, so January is past and February is almost past. Where have I been? you may ask, but probably not...but I'm going to answer that question anyway...it's been an interesting few weeks with driving lessons (first "accident" occurred last week, and now the garage door is badly dented...oh well, better a dented door than a dented other car or truck, right?), puppy fun (so much fun cleaning up pee everywhere and shoveling poop off the deck), watching my three year old nephew while he's being potty trained, school work deadlines, Winter's rock climbing birthday party, breaking my tailbone while sledding (kids said I got air! It was almost worth it!), Valentine's Day with no valentine, cleaning out cabinets, and two crazy brothers who act more like two more children sometimes! wow. Nice to get that all out.

So tomorrow is President's Day. Kids are off school, Abe is off work, and I agreed to watch two boys tomorrow....we will have a full house! I'm praying we can go to the zoo, but the forecast is rain, ice pellets, and snow. Not good for a zoo trip, but I have a feeling I will make it happen just to get out of the house with all the children that will be running around here. Better put them in the zoo, I mean visit the zoo, then here, right? We shall see...

Alright, this is a short one, because my tailbone is still healing and, well, you can imagine the pain after sitting for more than a few minutes. And if you can't imagine the pain, then imagine flying down a hill on the ice, sitting on a plastic sled, hitting a jump, floating for a moment in the air, then crashing butt first onto an icy rock (or something), rolling around in the icy snow trying to stand up before the kids see you, and standing there for a moment in shock while five little faces look concerned for only a second then burst into laughter. Yes. Good times, but I need to sign off now because I can no longer sit. :)

One last post for 2010!

2010-12-31T19:20:00.003-05:00

I had to write tonight, because it will be the last one for 2010! Do you believe it? Another whole year has gone by, and now we are headed into a brand new year. New Year's Eve celebrations were always so much fun with Todd. Tonight seems quiet. However, I am so thankful for my kiddos...they make me smile and Nathan now reminds me so much of Todd in his looks and mannerisms, that it is scary sometimes! I love them all with all my heart and can't even imagine life without them.

Trina (18) and Tiffany (16) both got their driving permits yesterday. I am trying to be patient and calm, but it must be the ice and snow on the roads that is making me want to scream, cry, freak out, lose control, and slam on the brake! It's not really that bad...Tiff barely missing a mailbox, Trina nearly side-swiping the guard rail and driving through low tree branches (I hate that sound, btw, it reminds me of finger nails on a chalk board!). Today Tiffany took out a cone while trying to parallel park. That was fun. If I make it through without a heart attack or nervous breakdown, I want someone to throw a party for me. A BIG party!

Speaking of a party...Tiffany turned 16 this week. Thus, the learner's permit that I'm questioning already. Just kidding, I'm sure she'll do fine. I'd much rather have Todd teaching these girls, you know? Anyway...

We are all totally enjoying our new puppy, Nader. He is so much fun to watch. He's not so much fun when he pees and poops on the carpets, though. I think I'm the only one who knows how to clean that kind of stuff up! But we all love watching him pounce on his toys and growl at Rocky, who is five times his size, with the confidence that he can actually cause fear in our faithful, old puppy! Rocky just shows his teeth and gives a growl, and Nader usually takes one final pounce at him before deciding to leave him alone.
Here's Grenade and Eban after a fun afternoon of sledding together.

I'm truly praying that this will be a HAPPY New Year for our family, and for all of our friends and relatives. This was our 5th Christmas without Todd, and he would have turned 50! It was a tough time the last several weeks, but God has given strength for each day, and has given us that hope of His return at any moment! I'm resting in these precious verses from John 14 tonight: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” This was from the NIV. I am holding tight to these words tonight and want to wish you all a very Happy New Year!

A New Puppy!

2010-11-29T22:45:00.004-05:00

Introducing......(drum roll, please).....GRENADE! Or Nader for short. We picked out our new puppy tonight. All 10 of us! My brother and parents joined the seven of us in all the excitement of picking out a puppy. We had a choice of four puppies that still were not picked. The entire litter was adorable,

but we all think Nader was the cutest (formerly known as "Punchy" from the original owners).

Toby loved holding the puppies. We couldn't believe how soft they were. And how tiny they are! They are 5 weeks old today, so we will be able to bring Nader home on the 20th of December, just in time for Christmas!

(Grenade is the one who found the most comfy pillows...blue collar in the middle)

I have to say, even with all the excitement and happiness, I wished Todd was with us, and I was wondering what he was thinking as he watched us picking out Grenade. I'm pretty sure he agreed with our choice. Grenade/Punchy was named after a special Uncle, so he's a special puppy already. I think he was their favorite, too. It will be hard for them when all the puppies get picked up, but I know they will especially miss their Punchy, our Grenade.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for this special gift at Christmas!

I know you are smiling at how cute he is! Aren't you? Admit it! :)

Toby's Pneumonia

2010-11-19T19:59:00.003-05:00

The last couple of weeks have been crazy around here. Then again, with six kids, life is crazy all the time around here! There's always something happening and by the end of the day I wonder how in the world I could possibly raise six children without Todd. That's easy, because looking back over the past 5 1/2 yrs, it's been miracle after miracle for us....whether financially, sickness, accidents, house woes, or life and death! God has been our only strength! But that doesn't mean I don't still miss our earthly leader and provider, my greatest love, Todd.

So we've been going to soccer every Sat for the past months, and the last game for the season is tomorrow. The last several weeks have been COLD, with wind blowing across the fields and making your bones ache. Toby has insisted that she wear only her short-sleeved uniform, despite my pleadings for a jacket or coat. "But Mom, they can't see my shirt and number if I wear a coat." I tried something underneath (like the other girls), but still, "It makes me too hot. I'm fine." Toby's older sister has always been like that. Never liked coats and rarely is seen in one, so I figured she was like her sister.

Then the cough started. Then the sore throat. Then the headache. Then the fever. The fever spiked to 105.4 last Saturday, and I noticed she was breathing funny. She was breathing a lot like her older sister used to do when she struggled to breathe, nearly every night. I asked Toby if she was having trouble breathing..."sort of" was all I needed to take her to the ER. They took her right back, despite a waiting room half-filled, with even children who were bleeding! This made me even more nervous, and the nurses seemed to swarm her, taking vitals and asking questions. I don't like hospitals. I don't like ERs. I don't like the ER we took Toby to. It was the same one Todd went to where we heard that word "cancer." The memories just kept flooding back. It was like it all happened yesterday, but yet I had to focus on Toby and the NOW. After 5 hours of ER time, medications and X-rays, we took her home with a ton of instructions. We have to go back to her pediatrician next week again for another follow-up visit and possible X-ray. My seven year old has pneumonia!

I feel horrible about this. I feel like I let it happen. It's a mom's job, isn't it?, to keep their little ones healthy? I'm thankful she is doing MUCH better, no fever, breathing fine, with just a cough left.

So how does a single Mom of six children get everything right? I guess they don't.

So thankful for my heavenly Father. What would I ever do without Him?

I have come to love these verses from Psalm 116:

I love the Lord, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because he hath inclined his ear unto me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live. The sorrows of death compassed me, and the pains of hell gat hold upon me: I found trouble and sorrow. Then called I upon the name of the Lord; O Lord, I beseech thee, deliver my soul. Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful.6 The Lord preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and he helped me. Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee. For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

Care In Grief

2010-10-29T20:44:00.006-04:00

It's been almost a year now that I've had an incredible burden for people who have lost loved ones....believers and unbelievers, but especially for unbelievers. I can't even imagine going through the pain of losing a loved one without my heavenly Father. At those times when I feel like it can't hurt anymore, when I'm at the lowest points, when all I can do is cry....I find comfort in knowing my Father is here with me. Even though I don't always feel His comfort and love, I know He's right beside me through every agonizing day I live without Todd.

This burden has grown into a near obsession. I keep getting ideas and write down proposed "plans," and I have finally come up with Care In Grief. I have gotten our pastor's permission to begin a group at our church, just to share our feelings with each other, that would meet every week. I'm not a counselor, nor do I have all the answers, nor do I even feel ready for this, but Father has clearly been leading and opening doors.

The other part to this is taking videos of people who have lost loved ones. I have gotten an incredible acceptance and willingness from those who I've asked, and even some "references" to ask others! There has been NO negative feedback so far, but I imagine if God is in this, then there is certain to be some ahead. But for now, all signs are a "go."

I've done my first two videos for a lady in our church who has had several losses in her life. She did a video on the loss of her daughter, and one on the loss of her husband. I was so nervous! Yet when I got to her home, there was a peace I could never describe. However, editing the videos was not an easy process for me. It took many hours, and even days, to get through the one about the loss of her husband. Lots of memories. Lots of tears. Lots of heartache. Lots of pain....all over again. I had her over for lunch the other day, and she gave me the "OK" to show these. Here is the first one I have completed:

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Signs of Fall

2010-09-11T22:47:00.003-04:00

For some reason that I don't know or understand, the changing of the seasons always brings back tons of memories of Todd for me. Todd loved the fall (I think he loved all the seasons, but they each had a special characteristic he loved), especially the leaves and beautiful colors.

Fall begins a new school year. Toby is now in 2nd grade, Winter in 7th, and Tiffany in 10th! Trina is in college at Lancaster Bible College, doing classes online. The boys are still working and doing well.

Fall brings another birthday for Trina and Toby. Katrina recently turned 18!

Fall begins another season of soccer. Today Toby and Winter played their first games. It was a beautiful day.

Fall brings a new wardrobe. I love my hoodies! They make me feel warm and safe. I especially love wearing Todd's old ones.

Fall brings new challenges and lots of memories. I'm actually looking forward to this fall. I am so thankful for the wonderful memories I have, that can never be taken from me. I plan to hold them close through this new season. Fall also begins the holidays...always have been difficult since Todd died, but this year I pray I will remember the good things we shared, and not spend as much time missing those good times. God is good. I still am awestruck with God's creation and the clouds. The clouds. They've been beautiful. Here's another picture I took just yesterday.

Almost forgot....on Labor Day I was privileged to be together will my sister and brothers. It's the first time we have all been together in over 10 years! I don't think Vicki was ready for this picture...

Signs of fall are a blessing for me this year. I pray they will be for everyone...

So much FUN!

2010-08-18T12:25:00.004-04:00

My first bike ride! wow. There's nothing like riding on the back of a motorcycle, other than driving it yourself, I guess. But if you don't know how to drive one yourself, then the next best thing is riding on the back! So awesome... all I can do is share the video clips. Haven't gotten them into a movie yet (I'd like to play some music in the background like "Born to Be Wild" or something), but here's the "raw footage" from a great ride last night~thanks to my nephew, Joshua.

NOTE: The last two I almost lost my camera...we were flying! Check the speedometer (it was close to 90!)

August?

2010-08-04T21:16:00.004-04:00

Hard to believe, but another school year is almost here. Toby will be starting 2nd grade, Winter will be starting 7th grade and is now in the youth group at church! and Tiff will be in 10th grade this year. It's hard to believe that we have three children who have graduated high school. That makes me feel very old, and makes me miss Todd even more. I still can't get through a day or even an hour, without thinking about him or what things would be like with him still here. There have been a lot of big decisions that have had to be made, there are a lot of changes in our family and home life, and at times I still spend hours crying and wanting to talk to Todd. How can a house, full of loud, active, crazy children (and adults!) be so lonely? I wonder about this often. There is still a big hole missing.

So now Trina is beginning college, and the two oldest are working full time. My older brother is coming to stay with us for awhile. My parents have been here for the "hurricane season" (they live in the Keys), but are planning on going back to the peace and quiet paradise they call home. But there is always something going on here, always busy, always loud, always a bit crazy. I guess that's what keeps me going.

Tonight when I was praying with our youngest she told me she wanted Daddy to come back down here. She does this every so often, but tonight took me off-guard. She is six, and so innocent and honest. She wants to give him a hug. She wants him to hold her. She wants him to read her books. She lost a tooth last week, and then pulled the one next to it out. I need to take an updated picture, but she keeps me smiling!

I can only end this post tonight by being thankful for my children. They are all wonderful and such a blessing to me, each in their own special way. I love my family. So I am trying to focus on all that God has given me today, not on all that I am missing. (it's not working...but I'm trying!) Looking at the clouds helps...

I can't get this song out of my head....I Sure Miss You, by Jason Crabb, probably because it sums things up pretty well.

If life could only bring again, the days I took for granted when
To hear your voice was just a call away
Oh what I'd give for just some time, to say the things that slipped my mind
There's so much now I'd really like to say
But I can never go back when we did the things we did back then
I'll store those precious memories in my mind
I'll take what you've instilled in me; I'll try to be all I can be
And walk the path that you have left behind

Chorus
I sure miss you; life will never be the same with you not here
Each passing day has brought much pain
But with God's grace my strength remains
I sure miss you, but heaven's sweeter with you there

The little things that seemed so small are now gold in a memory vault
I cherish every one I have of you
Now I can see and recognize the part you played to shape my life
I often see you in the things I do
In God's design and master plan He saw the hurting hearts of man
As we would say goodbye to those so dear
So with our family and friends we'll be together once again
We'll view all heaven's splendor hand in hand

Clouds

2010-07-17T20:13:00.000-04:00

This has been an interesting summer. So many things are bringing back lots of memories and seem to be making everything "fresh" again in my heart and mind. The void Todd left seems to be getting bigger as the kids grow older. C.S. Lewis talked about grief being a spiral, then questioned for himself, is this an upward spiral or downward spiral? Good question. I'm not sure, but I'm definitely coming back again to all the pain and missing Todd so very, very much.

Lately I've been fascinated with the clouds. Maybe because that's where my heart is? I long to see Jesus and heaven and be re-united once again with Todd and so many others that have gone before us into heaven. I've been taking pictures of clouds for weeks now and my kids think I'm crazy (especially when I take them while we are driving!). Late last night I put together this slide show. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do! Despite the pain, the missing, the void, the longing to talk with Todd again and see him again, things truly are "Well With My Soul" through it all!

Baptism

2010-06-13T23:28:00.006-04:00

Well, now we can rejoice that all six of our children have made professions of Jesus as their Lord and Savior and, as of today, all have been baptized to publicly stand for Him.

Today was very emotional. But wait, I'll let you see for yourselves. You may have to turn all your volumes up to hear their testimonies, but they both mentioned their father. It just stinks that he was not here with us today. He was very missed.

Wild and Crazy Days!

2010-05-16T22:43:00.003-04:00

This past Saturday Toby played her last soccer game for the spring, and her team won! It was exciting to watch her play and enjoy the game of soccer as her other siblings did.
It was fun, but it lacked the excitement that Todd would bring to the games, screaming, shouting, etc. But Toby had a great season, and I am sure Todd either was told about her or even witnessed it!

Then I had an unexpected blessing. One of my favorite singers ever is Steve Green. I found out he was doing a concert in our area, so after church on Sunday night, we went to see what was going on. I ended up getting a ticket, and then afterwards even got my picture taken with him!!! . I've gone to several of his concerts, and I must say the crowd wasn't nearly as previous ones. Maybe I'm getting old? Whatever, it was a blessing to hear him sing, although this was the first time without Todd, and it made me miss my buddy more than anything. Todd was not as big a fan as I am, but he loved to hear Steve sing "God and God Alone." ...and that's what he ended his concert that night singing. Awesome. Just such a blessing.

Now, ever taken a long trip in a car? van? ...more than just a few hours? Last weekend I drove in a van with 8 kids to South Carolina!! Why? We went to pick up my friends' son from Bob Jones University. My friend was too sick to drive that far (don't know where we would have fit her anyway), so driving that far away from home without any other adult, was, well, interesting. We put together a short video:

So, it's been one crazy or wild thing after another lately. Even with all the fun, all the pain in missing Todd during the fun, all the near heartattacks and all the heartbreak, I am so thankful and praising God for the family He has so richly blessed me with. He is way too good to me.

In Jehovah do I take refuge:...If the foundations be destroyed,4 Jehovah is in his holy temple; Jehovah trieth the righteous; ... For Jehovah is righteous; he loveth righteousness: Psalm 11

Why?

2010-05-10T20:21:00.002-04:00

I used to ask this question way too much, but am learning that I do not need to know why. I do not need to understand. I need to rest in knowing that God DOES know and that He does have a plan, and that He is in control! It's called trust, and it's not easy to do. I have found a lot of comfort in knowing God's Word and His promises and in knowing God personally. I also find comfort in the words to this song, Love Will Find A Way.

Love will find a way
To follow where you run
Love will cover you
And shield you from the sun
This will all be done
Just to heal you, to heal you
Love will lift the veil
You try to hide behind
Love will kiss your tears
And turn them into wine
This will all be done
To reveal you, reveal you

REFRAIN
Love will take your shame
Love will lift your head
Love will take the blow
That was meant for you instead

Love will never leave
No matter what you say
Love will look beyond
Your brokenness today
This will all be done
Just to name you,
This will all be done
To reclaim you, reclaim you

Mourning to Joy....

2010-04-12T21:06:00.001-04:00

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." Isaiah 61:3

Toby's bestest friend is moving to CO this week, so to answer her many questions, we keep telling her that she will be with her Daddy who has a new job there. Now all she wants is to be with her Daddy. She keeps saying, "Why can't I be with my Daddy?" and things like, "Why can't I just die now?" She told me it was not fair that her friend could see her Daddy this week, but that she has to wait "forever." How do you answer such things? Well, I'm thankful for this verse. One day we will be re-united FOREVER, and our mourning will be turned to JOY! Can't wait for heaven....just sayin'...

Moment by Moment

2010-04-09T12:56:00.001-04:00

Or day by day....this song is what I must keep singing over and over and over again...

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose Name is Counselor and Power;
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
Ever to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

Going It Alone

2010-03-22T23:02:00.002-04:00

I haven't really been able to find the words to write for quite some time; however, I was blessed in reading what someone else wrote, so I thought I would post it here.

Going It Alone

I hope you get a blessing from this as I did.

Living in Reality

2010-03-01T16:17:00.002-05:00

This past Saturday would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary. This was my 5th anniversary celebrating alone. It's difficult to live in the reality that I will never again celebrate that day with Todd here on this earth. It's difficult to live in the reality knowing I will never see or hear or touch Todd again on this earth.

This anniversary was extra difficult. I spent last week helping a friend take her son to the hospital for surgery on his foot, waiting there with her, and then taking him home the next day (supposed to be a one-day procedure, but due to complications, he had to spend the night). The memories of being with Todd before his major surgery, waiting, then visiting each day, came flooding back. They were not good memories. I found myself crying a lot, and feeling the pain of watching someone you love suffering without being able to help. It was one of the most difficult weeks since losing Todd.

I also realized what it was, however, to live in the reality of knowing I could lean on God, trust Him, and collapse in His Arms, fully trusting Him with every emotion, every hurt, and every difficult memory. I've heard those words countless times, "Trust in God" or "Lean on Him" and even, "God loves you," but I think I experienced close to the full reality of those words for the first time. I don't know that we could ever fully understand those words. We say them so nonchalantly, but have you ever, ever truly lived in that reality? It's an amazing feeling. I'm so happy to say that truly, like David said in Psalm 18:2 "The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower"

57 Months Ago Today...

2010-02-06T15:46:00.003-05:00

It may sound like a long time ago to most people....5 years ago on May 6th, Todd went to heaven. Still feels like yesterday. One of the biggest snow storms we've had in awhile hit this weekend. I had trouble getting to sleep last night. I used to love the feeling with a big snow storm when everyone, including Todd, was home. It was a great feeling. It was a safe feeling. It was a warm feeling. I couldn't find that last night, or today. All the kids are here, safe and sound, but Todd is not. It's difficult to describe. Just really missing him today. I don't feel safe. I don't feel warm. I feel lost and very alone. Even my rose bush is covered in this snow! I'd do anything for a rose from Todd today, or better yet a hug from Todd!

I keep thanking God that He promised He will never leave nor forsake me. I'm so thankful for Him. "Gotta keep singing..."

Winter is now 11 years old!

2010-01-17T22:20:00.005-05:00

Our last birthday celebration for Winter with Daddy was when she turned six years old.

It's hard to believe she turned 11 last week. Birthday celebrations are still difficult without Dad, but this one was multiplied for several reasons. First, Winter is a very special kid, being born with infant acid reflux which caused sleep apnea, she would frequently turn blue and we never knew how long God would allow us to have her. (see Weathering Winter for more details) Todd went through those scary, long nights and difficult days, right beside me. He was the only one who understood how very precious each birthday celebration was with Winter. I felt lonely without him here with us.

Then, we decided to take Winter to ChuckECheese with her friend, and then to the archery club. These were two of Todd's favorite places to go. He loved taking the kids to Chuck E Cheese for bday celebrations. He also loved hanging out at the archery club watching Abe shoot for the club there. We went to both places.

Praise the Lord, the kids had a great time, and I made it successfully with minimal tears. Sure, we missed Todd very much, talked about him a lot, but God gave a peace and provided the strength I needed to have fun with the kids and even smile a bit.

I long to see Jesus face to face and to be reunited with my very much loved one. I pray the day is near, but until that I have to keep singing....have to keep praising His name!

Oh, and Happy Birthday to our precious Winter Hope!

Where was this song 5 years ago?

2010-01-11T22:52:00.002-05:00

One of the dearest and most precious friends I have used to tell me in my darkest days when Todd was sick and in the days after he went to heaven, that I need to learn how to "climb up in God's Lap, and just rest, feeling His love..." She would also constantly be reminding me to keep praising God and keep praying, even when I didn't want to or feel like I could. I found the times when I would climb up in God's lap to be the most comforting and the most refreshing times of my life. It was a quiet place, a place close to Him, but where I was totally numb...I couldn't feel anything, just 'In His Lap!" ...what precious words.

Anyway, I never heard this song until my daughter asked for the Undone CD from Mercy Me. It brought back many memories, this time good ones, even when my heart was breaking and broken!

Thank you, God, for always being there. I love you so much!

I have some really GREAT kids!

2010-01-04T18:10:00.002-05:00

I'm so proud of my kids....every single one of them! But my oldest four astound me with their wisdom and encouragement. I only would share my very deepest thoughts and feelings with Todd. It has been so difficult with no one to share these things with, and gradually I have been going to my older children for advice or their thoughts on some things that I was struggling with. Yesterday, after a sermon that was a bit confusing for me, my children told me this:

Mom, you used to tell us that Daddy was your rock and almost everything you did, you did for him, but when he died, God was showing you that God needed to be your Rock and one and only. Your entire foundation was broken when Daddy died, and now you are re-building that foundation. It takes time to build a new foundation, but you are, and you're doing well. Just keep making God your "new" foundation and make Him the center of everything. That way, you know you can't go wrong.

Coming from my children, this meant more to me than anything. I thank God for my kids. I praise Him for their wisdom. I pray that they, too, will make God their foundation in life. God will always be here. God will never leave. God is solid, like a Rock. God doesn't change. What better foundation could we have for our lives?

I love my kids.

Happy Birthday Jesus! Happy Birthday Daddy!

2009-12-25T22:10:00.001-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS from the Radles.

(it's not easy to get six kids and a dog to cooperate for a picture...this is the best as it gets)

Parents are Coming! Parents are Coming!

2009-12-21T14:42:00.004-05:00

Have to go to the airport and pick up some V.I.P.'s: My parents!

I feel like a little kid again. It all floods back. Suddenly I feel like Dad's in control again. I love my parents. Yet without Todd, well, I feel like a teenager again. Sometimes it's a good feeling; sometimes very bad. I hope it's a good feeling for this trip north for Christmas. Here we go... Countdown to leaving for airport for parents has begun!

First heard "cancer" for Todd's pain

2009-12-17T23:44:00.002-05:00

Five years ago tonight. I had written this to a friend in an email:

Todd's in the hospital. They admitted him this evening after he came home from work in terrible pain and unable to stand up straight. All the dr said to me was that they do not suspect a stone, but the right kidney was significantly swollen. One nurse told Todd it was a blood clot, the dr told him he thought it was cancer. They're running more tests tomorrow am. I'm scared. Thanks for the prayers, Wendy

It still doesn't seem real. Other people get cancer. It never happens to you or your husband. Weird. I can still remember us denying it that evening and for weeks afterwards. Couldn't be cancer. Just couldn't be...

The Blessings of Being Sick!

2009-12-11T17:12:00.005-05:00

Christmas brings with it many, many, many tasks. At times it can be overwhelming. With six children and painful memories, I found myself having difficulty just knowing what to do next. Everything hurt: the memories, the tasks, being alone, responsibilities mounting, decisions...it seems endless. Then suddenly everything stops. I got sick. Not sick, sick, just sick. Unable to move, sick. I soon found it to be a blessing....no, really!

There was another time during this journey that I remember being thankful for being sick (that was nearly 2 years ago). Moms don't get sick. Everyone knows that. And if we ever do get sick, our husbands, the other parent, the other guardian, the "go-to guy" as it were, steps in and nothing ever skips a beat. At least that's how it used to work with us. But since Todd is no longer with us, I've come to realize that God gives incredible stamina to me now. I rarely get sick. Even when all the children get something, God seems to allow me to stay healthy. He is clearly my strength and my stronghold!

So at the end of last week I got sick again (that's only been the second time in nearly 5 years that I can remember). When I say sick, I mean sick as in can't move, can't think, complete body shut-down. It's scary to know you have six children to be responsible for, but all you can do is listen to "buzz," see figures in a distant daze, and know you are helpless to help them.

While in this state, this past weekend, while in bed, I begged God to help me. He kept saying, "Be still." I needed to get things done. God said, "Be still." I couldn't lift my head off the pillow. God said, you got it, "Be still." So I was still. I was still for a very long time.

As my head began to clear, I was able to utter some short prayers. Gradually I was able to think of verses and parts of verses. Then little voices became more clear. I know, it's unreal. It was like I was in a dream, living it, but so hazy and foggy. Very weird, but true! Finally I was able to stop being still! God allowed me strength and wisdom to move and think again, and it didn't hurt as badly to do so! I still feel wobbly as I write this, still miss Todd and cry at the memories and not having him here, but stronger and truly amazed at the blessings in being sick! God is so good. He knows when I need to be still. He provides comfort and rest, and I am so thankful for the blessings of being sick. One step at a time... or now it's back to one baby step at a time...

Soccer, Fall Clean-up, Thanksgiving: Missing Todd

2009-11-27T17:46:00.003-05:00

The final soccer game and awards ceremony was last Saturday. Todd loved embarrassing the kids when they got their awards. Actually, he was just so proud of them that he couldn't help himself...but it was embarrassing (not just for the kids). Winter had a great season. It was her first long season, and I know Todd would have been proud of her. She played every game, all games, with all her heart. It was a blessing to see our little girl out there running around after so much that she's been through. It was a good few months, but every Saturday I missed Todd. I could hear him screaming, see him running up and down the sidelines, and even cry when one of the children scored a goal. Awards Ceremony was quiet without Todd.

I was so surprised when Nathan pulled up with the landscaping crew he works with and cleaned up our lawn. I was so proud of him, although a little nervous to see him riding around on that big mower and working that huge leaf vacuum! He's a hard worker, just like his Dad. I remembered when we got our first riding mower and Todd was teaching him how to work it. Todd stayed outside the entire time. He was there to push him up a slippery hill, or help him when it stalled, or move branches and other obstacles out of his way. Todd loved watching his son riding on that mower, and he never left him alone. I remember once when he had to come inside, he told me to stand outside and tell him if Nathan had any trouble at all. I hope Todd could see Nathan now. Watching Nathan made my heart ache for Todd and for his presence.

Thanksgiving was a little crazy this year. My sister and her husband, my brother and his girlfriend and her son, and Kimmie all came over for dinner. However, I didn't have to cook anything. nothing. Kimmie orchestrated the kitchen, and my sister and brother's girlfriend brought food, and we had a feast. I felt manipulated into having dinner here, but thankful for all the help. I missed Todd so much. Thanksgiving will never be the same without Todd lighting candles all over the, cleaning for two days before, seeing to every detail, calling his Mom and talking for hours, helping in every way possible, and always, always checking on me and seeing what he could do to make my day go easier. I miss that. No one cared or does care for me like Todd did. I know, you'll say God does! ..and that is true, but still, not in person. Not the hugs from behind when I was in the middle of something, not the whispered words, "I love you," not running out to get last minute things, not taking the baby from me....I miss Todd.

People say time heals and that it will get better. I wonder. Thanking God for Todd this weekend. I don't know when the ache will stop, but thanking God for my best friend in the whole world...

Happy Birthday, Toby!

2009-10-19T23:35:00.004-04:00

Toby turned SIX years old today. She had a great day, telling me tonight as she was getting ready for bed, "Today went flying! It was a great day!" Praise the Lord!

We started out with balloons, then tutoring at the library with her teacher where Toby got a "Happy Birthday, Biscuit" book, then making a birthday cake, then out to Chuck-E-Cheese, then home to open presents.

I think this was the best birthday celebration in 4 and a half years. We all enjoyed watching Toby today and trying to make her day special in every way. She even got a ride in Nathan's Jeep on the way home from Chuck-E-Cheese! It was fun to watch her older siblings take such great care of her. Even though we missed Daddy, we had fun. Even I was happy and rejoicing with Toby today. Todd and I shared her first 18 months of life, then I have been privileged to watch her grow over these years. Six precious years. Happy Birthday, Toby! I'm thanking God for our precious Toby Faith tonight, for these six years, and for being able to enjoy the day with her. God is good.

Lessons in Life

2009-10-16T19:33:00.004-04:00

Today has been an extra difficult day. Lots of tears, more questions, wrestling with difficult memories, going through life and it's changes and problems without my partner....just a tough day all around.

This afternoon I received an email from a dear friend. Her and her precious family are going through difficulties of their own. They were in the process of adoption, when God led in a different direction, and after spending the first 8 months with this special baby, he was adopted by a friend of theirs, who left the church and cut off all ties with them. Their family is grieving the loss of what they thought was their son, to another caregiver. It's a tough time for the entire family.

With this painful news, my friend said God was teaching them a lot. She wrote these words, which I hope will be a blessing to all of you, as it has been to me this day and this evening:

that He is our comfort:
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction . . . For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” (II Corinthians 1:3-5)

that He is our strength,
“And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10b)

that He is powerful,
“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” (Job 42:1-2)

that He sees,
“But you do see, for you note mischief and vexation, that you may take it into your hands; to you the helpless commits himself; you have been the helper of the fatherless.” (Psalm 10:14)

that He is perfectly wise in what He is doing,
“This God – his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? (Psalm 18:30-31)

that He is near,
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

that He has a purpose,
“I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.” (Psalm 57:2)

that He is watching over Isaac when we cannot,(or in my case, my children, when I cannot)
“Father of the fatherless . . . is God in his holy habitation.” (Psalm 68:5)

that He is enough,
“Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. . . . For me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.” (Psalm 73:25-26, 28)

that He is sovereign,
“Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.” (Psalm 115:3)

that He is always good,
“Ýou are good and do good; teach me your statutes.” (Psalm 119:68)

that He is gracious to teach us through this,
“He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, „This is the way, walk in it, . . .” (Isaiah 30:19-21)

that He is working,
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good . . .” (Romans 8:28)

and that He will ultimately end the pain.
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning or crying or pain anymore . . .” (Revelation 21:4)

*******

I sure needed to read these Scripture verses today! Trying to rest in Him, putting my trust in Him, and ultimately learn these same lessons... Praise the Lord for godly friends who share their lessons in life!

My Rock

2009-10-06T08:09:00.002-04:00

Psalm 18:2 says..."The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower."

Admittingly over the last 4 and almost half years without Todd in my life, I haven't felt very sure-footed. Every step, when I began even taking steps, felt as though I was stepping into thin air. I have learned, slowly, that even though I can't "feel" the solid Rock, it is there. So I begin to take more "steps." They feel squishy. I recently thought I felt something firm, but then this week again slipped off and could not feel the solidness that I knew was there. It's not a good feeling. It's actually a horrible feeling. I know what God's Word says. I know it is there. I need to take more steps, trusting my Father that the Rock will hold me. He's never failed before and never will. Go, Wendy, keep taking the steps, even though they feel squishy! (I need a "pep-talk" for myself today.)

Not as difficult a goodbye as I thought...

2009-10-05T23:13:00.002-04:00

OK, so we are saying goodbye to Chauncey this Friday. Part of me feels relieved, and part of me is going to really miss this guy. I know when I doubt my decision to let another family adopt him, all I'll need to do is look at this picture. Lovable? ...yes. Destructive? ...very!

uncomfortable....out of comfort zone!

2009-10-01T19:03:00.002-04:00

I had to have three teeth removed this week. I went to an oral surgeon and was under anesthesia for these (very infected and painful). So, I needed a driver. Asked my wonderful sister-in-law (thank you, Joy), but as wonderful as she is, she isn't Todd. Got home and couldn't stop sleeping, but when I finally woke up, there was no glass of water beside me, there was no one curled up next to me asking if I was ok or needed anything, there was no one asking if I was in pain....just unattended children and work to be done. Moms aren't allowed "down time," unless they have a Dad to step in. This has been a difficult week. It has been a lonely week. I'm so used to having Todd here, telling him all about my pain, having his compassion and care...now there is no one. Yes, God is here, but it's not the physical attention I am accustomed to. I long for the comfort, to hear someone ask how I'm doing, and wouldn't mind if I told them the truth. To care for the children, even the older ones. Just hurting tonight...

Busy Week!

2009-09-12T18:32:00.005-04:00

Although it's been busy, we have seen many blessings from our good Father! We started school and even though it's been challenging, we are thanking God for a good start. Toby has been thanking God every night this week for her school, so that has to be good. Our oldest son is doing fantastic at his first "real" job. We are praising the Lord for his new responsibilities and how well he is handling them. Nathan finally was able to purchase the Jeep! What a blessing to see how God worked out every detail for him, and even more of a blessing to see Nathan experience and know God's love, care, and power! I'm a bit jealous, my first car was a 1963 Dodge Dart with a push button transmission (we had some great times in this car!).

Nathan got a 2006 red Jeep Wrangler Rubicon in excellent condition with low mileage. I'm thankful that he lets me drive it sometimes! I love it and can't wait to go off road with the top off!

Our first daughter turned 17 this week. I'm so proud of her, and I know Todd would be too. She's a senior this year, and has grown into a beautiful young lady.

My parents left for The Keys this week as well. I'm thankful that they have had safety so far, stopping to visit with friends, as far as Georgia. They have a way to go, but so far, so good.

A lot happening, but many blessings and much to be thankful for. God is so good to us.

September 6th

2009-09-05T22:40:00.002-04:00

It sure doesn't feel like 52 months, but that's how long it will be since Todd went to heaven, tomorrow, the 6th of Sept. I'm thankful that it doesn't feel like 52 minutes, 52 hours, or even 52 days. It feels more like 52 weeks. I think that's progress, or at least I hope it is.

Our Katrina will be turning 17 on Tuesday. She'll be a senior this year. The two boys are both working full time this year. I'm so proud of all our children. They are all handling their lives with wisdom and great faith in God, their heavenly Father. They talk often of their Dad and the life-long lessons he gave them.

Yes, it's been 52 incredible months; however, I have decided to keep trusting in God, to keep praying for our children, and to keep thanking Father for working in our lives.

It's not easy living this "new" life, but I'm learning as long as we keep trusting Him, "It Will Be Worth It All!"

A Smile Through Tears!

2009-08-16T22:30:00.004-04:00

Something strange happened to me in church tonight. I can't ever remember this feeling before. It was a mixture of great sadness, but incredible joy. ??? That's what I think, anyway.

Our missions team was giving a report and some of them began singing "I've Got A Mansion." Immediately when I heard the introduction, before the words were even sung, a sharp pain shot through my very being. I tried to look up and watch, but knew the tears would be flowing soon. Todd sang this song around the house all the time. I mean, he shouted it! It was one of his favorites, and he sang it with all his heart. Whenever he could, he would pick this song to lead the congregation at our church. Everyone knew it was dear to him...he would be smiling and singing, almost shouting, the words. Sometimes even he would get teary eyed as he sang the words, "I've got a mansion, just over the hilltop..."

So as the group began to sing, I got ready for tears and a tremendous ache in missing Todd yet again, for this has happened many times in the past four years. But tonight, as I closed my eyes and the tears came, I could picture Todd standing up there, smiling, and singing this song with them, and out of nowhere, out of the depths of the pain, came a smile! I smiled at the memory! Strange as it may sound, I felt a joy I can't express, despite the ache in my heart. They were together this time. Side by side. Pain and joy. How does God do that? Amazing.

I'm truly thankful for the tears and the smile tonight; it was a great feeling! I pray many more would come...

Laminin?

2009-08-15T11:22:00.003-04:00

Got this in an email. Amazing. Love it. Hope you will watch and worship...

Laminin

sometimes memories still hurt

2009-08-01T18:24:00.003-04:00

Some things can still catch me off-guard, and unexpected tears just seem to come from nowhere. Winter hurt her finger last week, and the doctor taped it in order to keep it protected and immobilized. He said she should have it taped for a week or two, and that if it came off, to just put more on, and he showed me how. As usual all I heard was "bum, bum, bum-bum-bum..." so when it came loose today, I was lost. Fortunately Winter said she remembered how to "buddy tape" as the doctor termed it. Thing is, I didn't have any of that kind of medical tape....or did I?

Trina and Nathan remembered "Dad's tape." We still had a box of medical supplies that NIH told us we could keep. Nice stuff...actually the best of the best coming from NIH! So, we're using "Dad's tape" tonight. It brings it all to the present again, so fresh, like it was yesterday when we were using those supplies.

I miss him. Hurting again, missing my love...

What Am I Learning?

2009-07-20T23:17:00.002-04:00

I was asked in a devotional I read today to step back and ask myself what I've learned over these past 4 years since Todd died. I've learned a lot, but here are a few that stand out tonight:

I've learned to kill spiders all by myself.
I've learned where to put the oil into the van and what kind of oil to buy.
I've learned to fill in that empty space at the table with one of the children, or with a guest.
I've learned it's ok to cry in public (even though I don't like to).
I've learned how to call and/or talk to strangers on the phone over business matters.
I've learned I put way too much trust in Todd for everything.
I've learned that life continues on for others "normally" and that mine never will.
I've learned how to wash deer poop off our dog all by myself.
I've learned how to answer Toby when she asks when Daddy is coming back.
I've learned there are some friends who stick with you no matter what, others who still act like they don't know what to say.
I've learned that God answers prayers according to His PERFECT WILL, and not my desires, and according to what's best for me...which may mean He answers the same prayers for others in a different way.
I've learned God is totally trustworthy, and that with His strength and guidance, I can get through this!

Best Buddies??

2009-07-15T07:51:00.003-04:00

We had fun with Chauncey and Rocky with yesterday's beautiful weather. We were outside a lot and I think everyone had a good time...

Introducing: Chauncey!

2009-07-13T22:34:00.002-04:00

OK. We have 3 weeks to decide. Right now I don't know how this is going to turn out. Rocky is very jealous. I know it's the first night, but it's been a LONG night! Chauncey is a big boy, and he makes me nervous, but we're praying for God's clear leading. Another adventure awaits us...

Another Dog?

2009-07-12T20:52:00.003-04:00

Well, we were officially chosen to adopt another dog from Lab Rescue. We got Rocky from this organization and have been very happy with our new addition over the years. The kids and I thought it would be nice to get another dog for Rocky to have a playmate. We are supposed to be introduced tomorrow night to Chauncey, a chocolate lab, 1.5 years old, who has been in a "foster home" and has had all his shots, is house broken, and looks adorable.

Todd and I had prayed a lot before getting Rocky. We wanted to get a dog for Winter, who had a very difficult first year of life. When she was almost two, we got Rocky, and he immediately became a lovable part of our family. Rocky has been loyal and protective over the years. I will never forget how he laid by Todd's bed when he was so sick, and followed him everywhere. He stayed very close to him...all the way to the end. He still looks for Todd at times.

So, what about a new dog? Two dogs? There's a part of us that is so excited to have something new. We seem to be in such a rut. There's another part that says, "What are you doing??" The practical side says this is INSANE. The adventurous side says this is going to be GREAT!

....praying for God's leading yet again. I wonder what Todd thinks of this?

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

2009-07-04T13:22:00.002-04:00

I'm sure this holiday holds many special memories for all of us. Perhaps it was picnics in the park with your family, going to fireworks at night, heading down to the beach....whatever it is, this summer holiday holds special memories. On this day, as we remember our freedoms and especially those who have fought so hard to keep them, let us also remember to thank God for it all.

Today I'm thanking Him for our nation's freedom and great heritage,
thanking Him for all of our service men and women who sacrificed all for us,
thanking Him for the Armed Forces fighting today for our freedom, and
thanking Him for all the precious, precious memories this Independence Day holds for all of us.

Wishing everyone a very Happy Fourth of July!

Memories Last Forever

2009-06-29T22:14:00.002-04:00

Today I saw two friends from the past who I hadn't seen for years. It still feels strange to see them continue on with their lives, when things are so different for me since I last saw them. It's difficult to describe. Life goes on, and pretty "normally" for most people. Sometimes I want to scream, "Todd died! Does anyone remember or care?" I know they do, but life seems so normal for them.

It was pretty awesome, however, to hear our former neighbor talking about her two year old twin boys, and saying how she remembered Todd doing things with our boys (she was a teen and spent a lot of time with us at the condo, our first home) and teaching them different things, and how she was doing the same things with her boys now. That was pretty amazing. You never realize what an impression you have on people. Obviously Todd made a big impression on her, and I'm sure countless others.

As life continues on for everyone, I have to realize that mine will never be the same as it was. Accepting the new "normal" is not easy. I'm thankful for Todd. I'm thankful for the lasting memories. I'm so glad he was a part of our lives. I think I will always miss him, but I'm trying to accept life as God has it for me now. Not easy, but God's grace is sufficient.

Clear Day For "Launching" Balloons!

2009-06-25T11:02:00.005-04:00

My precious 5 year old made a card for Daddy on Father's Day. She asked me, "Can we send this up to Daddy with balloons, or should I wait until he comes back in the clouds with Jesus to give it to him?" How does a Mom answer that one?

We decided to send her card up with balloons, but Sunday was cloudy and rainy. She told me we couldn't send her card up that day, "because the rain will make the balloons come back down."

So, early Monday morning, a very excited little girl woke up yelling, "It's sunny! Look at the sun! We can send Daddy's card up today!" So we did...

Father's Day

2009-06-20T11:18:00.004-04:00

Happy Father's Day to all you wonderful fathers out there. Found some pictures yesterday that I wanted to share of one of the best Dad's ever...

Loneliness Hurts

2009-06-19T22:44:00.004-04:00

Have you ever felt alone? I mean totally alone? The room could be crowded with people, or you could have family members all around you, but yet you felt alone? I’ve felt this way countless times since Todd died. It’s an empty, sick feeling….to be totally alone in this world. Many times accompanying this loneliness comes an ache in your gut, in the deepest part of your being, that makes you feel like you are literally going to break in half. It hurts. Your stomach hurts so badly that you want to throw up (and sometimes do). Those are the times when we MUST remind ourselves of God’s Word and His promises. God will never leave us. God will never forsake us. He is always here, standing beside us, and walking us through, even through the darkest, deepest valleys in life.

Deuteronomy 31:6 tells us: “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

I never want to be disrespectful to our Heavenly and Most Holy God, but in the words of Rascal Flatts, “He Ain’t the Leaving Kind.” I love this song, so I decided to put some pictures to the words and music.

Congratulations?

2009-06-08T21:33:00.004-04:00

Well, I labored for weeks/months on a video for Nathan's graduation in anticipation of this monumental event. Hopefully, congratulations are in order soon. He's "working" on self-pace courses that need to be completed by the end of the summer for his official graduation and diploma from high school. Anyway, in great anticipation and much prayer, here is Nathan's graduation gift from me. You all get a sneak preview before he even has seen it! But Lord willing, he will see it soon and another Radle child will have graduated. phew. Here's is Todd's "special boy!" :)

Awards!

2009-06-03T23:44:00.003-04:00

Both Winter and Toby received their year-end C-Club awards at church tonight. I am so proud of them.

Today the girls went to an orientation for enrollment at another cyber school, and both Winter and Toby had to be tested. I had no doubt about Winter, who did very well in 5th grade, and easily passed her tests to enroll in the 6th grade, after my home-schooling attempt this past year. However, I was a little more concerned with the Tobster, after I failed so miserably at home schooling her in Kindergarten. I wish you could have seen her smiling from ear to ear, when she learned she is officially enrolled in FIRST GRADE! Yay, Toby!

I'm still deciding what will be the best for the children in schooling next year. I don't like decisions...especially such huge ones. I know God will lead. He always does. I pray I am tender and open to what HE wants us to do next year! Right now, I am thanking Him for a successful year of school, despite my short-comings! God is good.

Today's Devotions

2009-05-30T21:16:00.003-04:00

I recently came across a great new Website entitled: I Stink at Devotions Here you are able to track your devotions and be held accountable to others for having them daily. They have prayer requests, and what I like the most, is their section on Devotions, which give you three choices of daily devotional reads. I usually end up reading all three!

Anyway, today's 3rd reading was great. It was taken from Strength For Today: Reassurance In The Midst of Trials and one paragraph said this:

Trials are inevitable, and the pain associated with them can be very intense, but when compared to what we will enjoy in the future, they hardly matter. Paul saw them as light afflictions, or literally “weightless trifles.” He knew that their real significance is only in how they contribute to our eternal glory. That contribution is anything but trivial. Rather, it produces “an eternal weight of glory.” Concerning this expression, it’s as if Paul envisioned an old-fashioned two-sided scale that was being tipped in favor of the future by the cumulative mass (“eternal weight of glory”) of his individual sufferings. Paul could endure the pain of present trials when he was certain that they contributed positively to his life in Heaven.

The verse given was II Corinthians 4:17 "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;"

Great stuff! Looking forward to heaven tonight, and thanking God for these wonderful truths.

And by the way, if you stink at devotions, or just want to be more consistent....check out this site! I Stink at Devotions

Oldest turning 20 tomorrow

2009-05-19T10:57:00.003-04:00

Our/My oldest will be turning 20 years old tomorrow, May 20th. He recently finished his second year at Penn State. I can't be more proud of my kiddos. They have overcome so much, and I feel like they have grown up with the support of each other and God alone. As I look at them now, especially our soon-to-be 20 year old, I am amazed at how mature and wise and balanced they have become...all seemingly on their own. God has been good. Looking back, Abe was just 15 years old when he lost his father (and the majority of his mother as well). He and Dad were looking forward to seeing the new Star Wars movie, and Todd was especially anxious to get alone with Abe as he was reaching this milestone in his life. He would tell me what he wanted to say to him, how he wanted to make things right between them (there were some tense times lately with Todd not feeling well and Abe's adolescent ambivalence towards life in general), and how anxious he was to just spend time alone with his oldest son, whom he loved so very much. Unfortunately Todd died 2 weeks before that special date. Now Abe is turning 20, another birthday without Dad, yet he has become a strong, wise, godly young man. I'm thankful for the right choices he has made. I'm thankful that he has not shown any bitterness in losing his father at such a young age. I'm thankful for his love for God. I hope and pray that I can be a better mom, and that my children continue to love the Lord their God with all their hearts, souls, and minds.

Happy Birthday, Abe. I love you and am so proud of you, son.

Good memories

2009-05-06T20:10:00.010-04:00

I went to the shore today, despite several concerned friends and family members. I'm glad I went. I asked God to help me think of the good times. He provided strength, and although there were many memories, I think there may have been more smiles today than tears, or at least close. I am thanking God for Todd and these great memories, and thought I would take some time to share them with you...

Todd and I both loved the ocean. Todd was always fascinated with the strength of the waves and it would remind him of God's power and greatness. No matter what the temperature of the water, Todd would always run in to meet those waves head on, diving under the crash, and coming up smiling on the other side. I was too chicken; I would smile and wave.

I wish this was open. Todd would get me a chocolate cone with chocolate jimmies. yum! He never got anything here. Just watch me eat.

One of Todd's favorite spots. I still think he spent way too much money in this store.

Does this seem clear enough? Here is where Todd nearly crashed our surrey (he was driving the entire family!) while trying to turn around. The kids thought it was funny. I wasn't laughing. Very embarrassing with him yelling, "Look out! I can't steer this thing!"

Yes, I bought fudge. Todd always let me.

Todd's favorite pizza in the whole world. Sorry it was closed, or I would have eaten a slice in his memory.

Todd would not be happy to know that they replaced his favorite donuts with this store. We stayed at the Harris House, just so he could get those fresh donuts in the morning. oh well...

Todd loved to take the kids here to eat....they had everything and everyone was happy!

When we were at the very top, Todd would tell the kids that the man was going to unhook the chains, and that we would roll down the beach. The kids, of course would start screaming, "No, Daddy, we don't want to." And he would lovingly reply, "It's all part of the ride, you'll see." ugh. Yet every year we had to ride the ferris wheel.

Here is where we were enjoying a picnic on the field, watching the kite festival, and the sprinklers went off. Again, Todd laughed as he helped me save the food. I didn't see the humor in it (until today).

We sat on those bleachers on the top left when Todd proposed to me in the middle of the 4th of July fireworks.

This is the 24 hour diner we stopped and talked until 3am after he asked me to marry him. We dreamed and planned our future... surreal.

On the way to the shore pics:

Story Book Land....the kids' first trip to an "amusement park" ...just for them! We only had three then. Great day.

Ok. Todd loved this. I don't know why. He thought it was cool. I still think it's stupid.

God granted many victories for me today. This was a big step for me. I miss Todd so much, yet I am so thankful for him and the time I had with him. He left us with many, many GOOD memories! Thank you God for today. Thank you God for Todd.

Dr. and Mrs. E Allen Griffith

2009-05-05T19:07:00.003-04:00

One of Todd's favorite portion of Scripture was Psalm 1. The first three verses say this: "Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper."

An example of this godly man in these verses, both Todd and I agreed, was Dr. E Allen Griffith. Todd and I met at church, and Dr. Griffith was our pastor. We grew the most spiritually during those years. Todd learned much, and would often refer to the pre-marriage counseling we received before Pastor Griffith married us, and would repeat much of it to me over the years. Pastor Griffith's advice, knowledge of the Scripture, and example he gave helped us both to build our marriage on God's Word and instructions, and pray together often.

I am sure as Todd grew weaker and weaker, these are the reasons why he insisted that our beloved former Pastor officiate his funeral.

The Griffiths have been through a lot over the years. They have endured many trials and disappointments, yet they have always remained steadfast, unmovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord. Their testimony speaks volumes.

Tomorrow, May 6th, will be four years since Todd died. Four years ago today, May 5th, the Griffiths came to visit us. I will always remember and be forever grateful for that visit. Pastor G prayed with Todd, and I can remember the tears. Mrs. Griffith's kindness and helpful insight changed the entire atmosphere of our home from a sense of fear and doom to one of blessing and love. There is no way to adequately thank them for that, so I thank and praise God for them and for that visit.

God works through the Griffiths' lives daily. They have five children who are all serving the Lord and love God with all their hearts. They have eighteen grandchildren who are being taught God's Word, and have a wonderful example to watch and follow in their grandparents. Currently they have a ministry called Biblical Family Ministries, where they preach and teach God's Word as the absolute truth that can solve the growing problems of broken and divided homes with all the accompanying heartache.

I am so thankful to the Griffiths for the godly impact they have and continue to have on me and my family. Today, with all the memories of Todd's sickness and Homegoing, I am praising God for the Griffiths. May God continue to bless them and their ministry as they continue to delight in the law of the Lord.

Biblical Family Ministry Website
Christianity Pure & Simple
The Cultural Collapse Project
STANDpoint

Interesting visit to the dentist

2009-05-04T13:47:00.002-04:00

This morning I had to take the two youngest to the pediatric dentist. Praise the Lord, there were no cavities! But while in the waiting room, I witnessed the most horrific case of verbal child abuse I have ever seen. All of us waiting were disgusted, saddened, and some were ready to attack this "mother." I prayed for wisdom, but kept silent. We all did. She was a big lady, and not very kind. I can't get that young child out of my head. The whole incident made me physically sick to my stomach. So sad.

Later, when I was called back to talk to the dr, a kind nurse filled me in on the details. She was authoratative, and I found myself instinctively saying, "yes, mam." After hugging Toby, the nurse touched my arm and said I looked familiar. She told me her name, a name from that past. Have you ever met someone years later from school days whom you thought yourself much better than? This was one of those "friends." I never liked her. I treated her badly. She was younger, and at the time, just a pest to deal with. Talk about a complete change in veiwpoint! I hope I didn't look as stunned as I felt when hearing that name.

When she asked about my family, I couldn't tell her Todd had died. It was strange. I talked as if he were at work..."we have six children"..."I met Todd at church"...we go to Chadds Ford Baptist now" ...it felt so natural to say and it felt good too.

This morning's visit to the dentist was certainly interesting. My heart aches for that little boy. My heart aches to be close to Todd again. One day it will all be "right."

I am comforted by these words from I Thessalonians 4:13-18, and pray you are as well!

But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

update

2009-05-02T22:46:00.003-04:00

Winter had a great time at her friend's house last night. No problems. God granted me a peace that I can't describe. I'm so thankful for His goodness and that Winter is sleeping here tonight! Even with all six of the children sleeping here, in their own beds, under the same roof, I still feel lonely. I miss Todd sleeping under this roof, yet I know he is in a far better place than here. I am so thankful for God's comfort and for His love and care for me...and Todd...and for my children!

Winter's First "Sleepover"

2009-05-01T22:11:00.003-04:00

Wow. This is a big night for our family. Tonight Winter is spending the night at a friend's house. But for Winter Hope, this is not your average, run-of-the-mill sleepover that all little girls enjoy. For Winter, personally, this is a huge step. She's growing up, becoming more independent, and was excited to go. For Mom, this is a huge learning experience...again. You may remember Winter's story. She still requires medicine to assist her with her breathing problems, although we have not had an "episode" for seven months now. I left her tonight with her medicine, friends, lots of prayers, in the capable hands of a great Mom, and ultimately in God's all-powerful, all-knowing Arms of Love. Now comes the hard part...waiting. Waiting and resting in the knowledge that she is in God's Arms tonight, not mine, until I can pick her up tomorrow morning!

Even though I have five children here at home, I feel lonely, incredibly lonely. The other kids know Winter's history, but Todd was the only one who truly lived Winter's history with me....the sleepless nights, the fear, the panic when she would turn blue and purple, the heart-pounding "rescues," the long days and nights spent at childrens' hospitals. I can see Todd's smile tonight, but I can't hear his words, "She'll be fine." It's lonely here. I can only pray. God is here, and He is with our precious Winter Hope. I know she is having a great time.

Friends...

2009-04-22T15:59:00.004-04:00

I'm having a difficult day today. Several years ago when I had a similarly difficult day, a friend shared with me how she combats these days: she wrote miraculous things that God had done in her and her family's lives on small rocks, and placed them in a bowl in the center of their dining table. She shared how the kids would frequently pick them up and read them, and even tell their friends about the different "neat" things that God did for them. Thinking this was a great idea, I gathered the children together, and we, too, have been writing on shells (Todd and I had been collecting shells from our vacations at the shore since we met) the things God has done for us. I needed to read them again today. One of the shells simply says, "friends."

God has given me some great friends. I am privileged to have several who I know regularly pray for me, and what's really neat about these few, is that they are not afraid to speak the truth in love. Everyone needs at least one friend who is willing to do this; I am blessed with several!

OK, so the reason for my difficult day? I'm dwelling too much on what I don't have. I've been missing Todd. In the grocery store, every aisle had some reminder of him. At home, the kids have been talking and talking about Daddy. Decisions had to be made. I continue to feel so incredibly alone and lost in this world without Todd. But that's not the real problem...I don't think.

Driving home I heard these words to a Rascal Flatts song: "What hurts the most, is being so close...and never knowin' what could've been..." You may remember Danny singing this on Idol the other week, but anyway, I began to get upset with "what could've been..." and could feel the anger growing inside of me.

Several years ago one of those extraordinary friends wrote me an email, saying she could sense an anger in my words and then she asked, "How dare you get angry at a God Who loves you and is caring for you and Who created you?" Of course I denied being angry at God. Not me. Then last year another friend wrote me an email almost identical to the first. She "accused" me of being angry with God. Me? No! I love God! Yet today, well, I wonder if those friends were correct afterall. I admit, today I feel angry. It comes and goes. It comes when I focus on "what could have been" and on my great loss. It goes when I read those shells and remember that God is in control and loves me and cares for me.

My kitchen nightmare!

2009-04-18T00:43:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure what Chef Ramsey would say, but this is what happens to my kitchen, in just a few short hours! I didn't feel like cleaning up after dinner tonight. I'll get it tomorrow...

In God I Trust

2009-04-14T09:29:00.002-04:00

Over the last almost 4 years now, I have found that God never changes and is completely trustworthy. People fail. Humans mess up. God doesn't. I would have told anyone that I trusted God for things when Todd was here, but the truth is, I trusted Todd for a lot of things as well. I trusted him to meet our finances. I trusted him to help care for the children. I trusted him with secrets. I trusted him to keep us safe. I could go on and on, but the fact is, I lost my rock. I am now learning that Jesus is the Rock!

Lately I've been noticing that our government and our society appears to be rewarding bad behavior and punishing good behavior. It was subtle at first, but last week a lady who worked for welfare actually told me that she was sorry, "We don't have any programs for people who are trying to do things right." This shocked me. I was silent for awhile. Yet we see it happening more and more!

When my son comes home from college and talks about the cheating and how the professors turn away or even encourage this, and he asks me, "Why do I even try to do it the right way?" I find myself wondering... Then we remember what Daddy always said...."It doesn't matter what other people do, you DO RIGHT!" He would remind us that we are accountable to God.

I miss Todd more and more as our society seems to be ignoring those words, "do right" and "in God we trust." I only pray our children choose to do right, and trust in God as our country begins to ignore these principles. I encourage you to pray for your children and to pray for our country...

Surprisingly Sad Saying Goodbye to "Big Red"

2009-04-02T17:45:00.003-04:00

As Nathan and I stood there watching them tow away our red van, I was surprised at the tears. I thought I would be happy to see that go. The opposite happened. All the memories...it took us 3 times to the Key West to visit my parents, 3 times to Disney World, and countless shorter trips to the Jersey shore. I looked one more time inside at the spilled juice stains (that Todd nearly had a heart attack over!), the worn seats and broken seat belts, and large gap between the front seats where Todd and I would hold our out-stretched hands as long as possible. I looked in the back, where we all took cover during a thunderstorm when we were camping one summer. That was a long night!

"Bubba" has even more memories, but the blue van is still here until tomorrow, when they will come for that one also. The end of our era with the vans. We're all thanking God for those vans. They've given us many miles and tons of fun together.

Now we're looking to making new memories and having even more fun with our new van! Still thanking God for our "miracle van" and enjoying it very much, but saying goodbye to our old vans is actually quite emotional. I know...pathetic.

Big Red left us a reminder in the driveway...

...thank you again, God, for our NEW VAN!

Knowing AND Feeling God's Love

2009-03-28T12:58:00.004-04:00

The last two weeks have been tumultuous, yet truly a blessing as well. Losing both vans in two days was very difficult, especially with a large family. We had only Abe's little Toyota to get everyone every place for 2 weeks. We thanked God often for that little car!

We were careful to give God all praise and to trust Him for whatever He had for us through those two weeks. I'm so thankful that my son bought a whiteboard and bulletin board for our kitchen. We have been using the whiteboard for a prayer/praise list and we pray together after dinner every night. It's been a special time for us, but with the "van issue" it has proven to show not only me, but the children, God's special love and care for us....us, the Radle Family.

There have been so many literal miracles that have taken place, and praying together as a family for specifics, has helped us all to see those miracles and has made God even bigger in our eyes. He is in control. Yes, we know God loves and cares for us, but to SEE and FEEL this has been an incredible blessing that is difficult to describe. God cares for ME. He truly wants the best for me.

Well, He provided the best and beyond what we could ever have dreamed or hoped for. So many "little" things worked together for us in His perfect timing, and now we are rejoicing and basking in His love for us. The details are exciting, but I'll need to share them at another time. I just wanted to thank those who have prayed and give God praise for His wonderful and amazing works on our behalf. The end result:

OUT WITH THE OLD (and completely useless at this point):

and IN WITH THE NEW!!!

...when I say NEW, I mean NEW! This is a 2006 and is fully loaded and hardly used with very low mileage! The best part: it has heat and airconditioning!!! :)!

Lost and Confused, but Trusting...

2009-03-20T20:00:00.002-04:00

This week has been a challenge that has given many opportunities to learn what it means to trust in God fully. Being without Todd to call or make major decisions, I have been left feeling very alone, lost, and confused. However, I am also learning yet another phase to what it means to fully trust in God. Prov. 3:5 is my life verse. It has been my favorite verse in the Bible before I even met Todd, and over the years it has come to mean more and more. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding."

This week I had to come to the realization that we no longer can use Todd's van. We're eventually going to have to junk it. The following day our red van broke down, and the mechanics told me it was time to look for a newer one. Now there are numerous reasons for me to panic. I have never bought a car. I don't have any money to buy a car. I don't know how to buy a car. I don't know anything about a car. Perhaps the biggest one: I need a car. We are a family of seven, and I need to find a car big enough, and I need to find out how to pay for a car big enough. Mostly, I need to trust God.

As I trust, waiting for God to show me all the answers to all these questions, I hurt. I miss Todd. I feel like I need him. I know all I need is God. I've never done this, but if you are reading, I sure could use your prayers! ...and I thank you very much for them during this difficult time.

Emotional Goodbye

2009-03-17T19:56:00.002-04:00

I know it's "just a van," but it was Todd's van. Today we finally had to come to the realization that it's time to let go.

BIG DAY!

2009-03-14T22:22:00.003-04:00

Today we celebrated Nathan's 18th birthday! Woooo Hoooo! We're all so proud of him. Happy Birthday, Nate!

Another big part of today was having Trina take her SAT's this morning. I still find it hard to believe she is a junior in high school.

For me, this was a day, although filled with joy, was also filled with a deep sense of missing Todd, the father of these children. Four years ago, I just never, ever thought a day like this could ever be imagined, let alone experienced in real life. It wasn't how it was supposed to be. This was a day that Todd should have been a part of. Yet God was here. God knew. And God got me through. Thank you, God, for my wonderful children, and for helping me through these difficult days. I'm learning that God's grace truly is sufficient.

Father to the fatherless!

2009-03-13T03:46:00.002-04:00

Looking back over these years since Todd has gone home to be with the Lord, I can see countless times where God has been a wonderful Father to my children, who are now fatherless. Todd was a great Dad. He loved his kids with all his heart and had a way of letting them know that...not just in his words, but also in his actions. Our kids knew that Dad would give his very life for them. He talked often with them, individually and as a group (I loved our family meetings!). It is difficult to watch these kids grow up without their Dad now. Taking them to get their driver's licenses, preparing for graduations from high school, advising them about college, even watching the younger ones receive awards...all of these milestones in a child's life are so hard to deal with, knowing their Dad is not here with them.

Yet they have their heavenly Father! He DID give His Life for them! He loves them more than Todd ever could love them! He is protecting them, caring for them, and providing for them. I am so thankful for the many ways God has been so faithful to my children and has kept them safe in His Arms. He is the best Father. Even though Todd was a great one, God is the BEST one!

Ludwig G. Leibbrand

2009-03-12T19:13:00.006-04:00

Today I received a package from my parents that included, among other things, a video entitled, "Celebrating the Life of Ludwig G. Leibbrand," or Uncle Louie, to me. As the children and I gathered around to watch, we realized again how much Uncle Louie loved to serve others and make others smile. As we listened to the testimonies from the family, we also realized how much Uncle Louie loved us. The stories sounded so familiar. He did the same for and to us! I laughed through my tears when I heard of the knots in the straws, home-made donuts, those mischievous, smiling, sparkling eyes, and how Uncle Louie made each one feel so uniquely loved.

Nathan will be turning 18 on Saturday, and I've been praying and looking and wondering what special item I could give him that belonged to his father. I gave Abe Todd's high school graduation ring for his 18th birthday. For Nate, I decided on giving him Todd's father's pocket watch. It was the only thing Todd wanted of his father's when his father passed away. Anyway, as I was looking for that special item, I came across Uncle Louie's wedding gift to Todd and I. I smiled and cried at the same time. Aunt Jeanne and Uncle Louie were staying with my parents when they came up for my wedding. Uncle Louie asked my parents if he could visit our condo while we were on our honeymoon. If you knew Uncle Louie, this may not have been a good idea, but when we returned, Uncle Louie was back in Florida, and this is what we found on our bed, with a home-made card wishing us well.

It was a Ziggy in a nightshirt that said, "Nighty Night," and it was lovingly placed on our bed between our pillows. Todd and I loved this Ziggy and it has been on our dresser, reminding us of Uncle Louie's love, all these years. Thank you again, Uncle Louie.

I have to thank God for allowing me to know and be loved by my Uncle Louie. It's still difficult for me to believe he's not down in Florida making cards for people and spreading that smile and joy, but I'm thankful I will see him again one day. He will surely be missed by many, but none will miss him more than Aunt Jeanne. The kids and I made a card for her today.

We used Uncle Louie's signature flower and the kids all put numbers by their name (you have to know Uncle Louie to understand that one). We love you Aunt Jeanne, and we're praying for you!

I love my kids!

2009-03-08T22:44:00.002-04:00

I really do. They make me laugh. They keep me active. They encourage me. They also seem to enjoy letting me know my faults as well. That's a little tough sometimes, but as long as it's respectful, it's good.

Toby (5 years old) called me in her room tonight. She was scared. But instead of the usual, she said this: "Mom, I was going to tell you I was scared, but I remembered what you said about God and how He is with me. You don't have to stay in here, but I wanted to tell you I was scared." How precious is that? I almost cried! I love that little girl. She still talks about Daddy and wanting to see him in heaven. Just today she asked me when we could go to heaven to see Jesus and Daddy. I told her we had to wait until God said it was time. She answered, "I want Him to say it's time now!" ...so do I!

My older kids are pretty cool. I love them, too. Very much. I just love my kids. God has blessed me with some great children. I pray they continue to seek Him and learn to love Him more each day. I'm certain their Dad would be proud of all of them.

Even after almost 4 years, I still feel so broken as a family. We're not whole. Todd was such a huge part of our family. It still seems so strange not to be able to share things with him about the children. It still feels strange to say "my children" rather than "ours." I took Trina for her driver's permit last week. She is the third one now to get her driver's license, and still it feels so very strange without Todd here sharing these monumental occasions.

I love my kids; I'm proud of my kids; yet I miss their Dad more with every step they take in their life.

The Loss of a Legend

2009-03-02T19:06:00.006-05:00

Well, at least in my little world. To his family, friends, and community, Uncle Louie was a legend. Yesterday we lost that legend suddenly and unexpectantly to a massive heart attack. My heart longs to be with Aunt Jeanne and the family and friends and community in Florida, where Uncle Louie was bigger than life itself. Describing Uncle Louie to others could take hours and pages, but if I had to use one word, it would be GIVING. Uncle Louie loved to give to others. He gave mostly of himself: his time, his heart, his love.

My very early memories of traveling and going to Florida meant seeing Uncle Louie, and that meant not only a ton of smiles and laughs, but also special care packages made just for me and my siblings. When it was time to leave, he was always hiding special treats in the car for us with notes of love and promised prayers.

He and Aunt Jeanne wouldn't miss my wedding...he treated us like one of his own kids. He loved Todd, and he grew to love our children, who were soon treated like his grandchildren! We would get special packages in the mail, never knowing what to expect under all the tape and styrofoam, but it was never disappointing. The kids would squeal with delight to see a package from Uncle Louie (always distinguishable with lots of tape and addressed to "The Radle kids"). Most of his gifts and treats were home made, which made them even more special and unique. He showed us his "work area" once, filled with recycled cards, candy, little plastic toys...anything that would put a smile on someone's face. He was known especially for his cards. He made them special for each one, with obvious love and care. He would hand them to those in his community who needed a smile. He would hand them to people who were sick. He would send them to friends and family for any and all occasions.
Todd received many "Get Well" cards when he was sick from the cancer, but none was as special as Uncle Louie's:

Uncle Louie will be missed by many, yet he left us so much to be thankful for. If you knew him, you were blessed. I am most thankful for his testimony and love for the Lord, because I know one day I will see him again in heaven. He, Todd, and his son-in-law are all rejoicing in heaven tonight. Uncle Louie is safely resting now...basking in God's love, after giving so much to so many here on earth. Thank you, Uncle Louie. We love you! You will be greatly missed.

I don't think it has settled in my mind and surely not in my heart yet, that he is not here with us. I don't want to believe it, because of what a tremendous loss this would be. Yet, I am happy Uncle Louie is now in heaven, at peace in the presence of his Lord and Savior.

Manipulation?

2009-02-28T23:43:00.002-05:00

Maybe it's manipulation. It's hard to tell. I got my oldest to finally "trim" his beard and cut his hair. I've been asking for a long time for him to do this. I know his father would not have approved of how he looked...Todd was always very particular with his beard and mustache and hair, and always well-groomed. Anyway, tonight I did it. I asked my son to do it for my anniversary, in honor of his father, but for me (tears helped as well).

He looks great, but why do I feel guilty? At least Todd is happy.

21st wedding anniversary

2009-02-27T13:26:00.002-05:00

yep. today is our anniversary. it would have been our 21st.

Happy Anniversary, hon (at least it's happy for one of us). missing you more than ever...

A Night Out! (without kids!!!)

2009-02-26T21:53:00.004-05:00

Yes, believe it or not, tonight I went out without the children. Just me. Where did I go? I went to the mall to meet a friend. Wait, it gets better. My friend had to work tonight, so I went to "hang out" with her in the candy store in the mall. Hey, I learned how to work the Icee machine! I even helped hand out pretzels and collect money! We were laughing thinking of how different our nights out, away from the children, have changed.

Tonight was good, though. We shared things that we could only share with each other. We laughed through our tears. We never pictured our lives to be like they are, but here we are....hanging out in a candy store at the mall!

Kimmie isn't just a friend, though; she's family. She knew me before I knew Todd, knew me when I met and married Todd, and was here with us when Todd died. In fact, she is the one who told me. She didn't have to say anything. I was in another room when she came down the hall. Our eyes met, and I knew. We've gone through so much together, laughed together, and cried together.

Tonight was good. Thank you, Kimmie, for a night out without the kids! (and for the pretzels and candy!) I love you.

On the way home I heard "Every Time I Hear Your Name" again and cried. I've learned over the years how to drive amazingly well with tear-clouded vision.

Finally got over that song of ours; stopped chasin' little red sports cars,
To check the license plates and I quit drivin' by your place.
Back makin' the rounds at our old haunts: Honky Tonks, restaurants.
And seein' some of our old friends: it feels good to dance again.
And I can finally smell your perfume and not look around the room for you.
And I can walk right by your picture in a frame and not feel a thing.

But when I hear your name,
I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
And nothin's changed, and we're still same.
And I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,
And I'm hangin' on to every word rollin' off of your lips:
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

And when the conversation turns to you,
I get caught in a "you were the only one for me",
Kinda thought, and your face is all that I see.
I know I can't go back but I still go back.
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,
And I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time,
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place,
Every time I hear your name.

Memorial Website Re-do

2009-02-24T13:15:00.002-05:00

I've been working on a new "Todd J Radle Memorial" website. Lots of work. Lots of memories. Lots of tears. I miss that guy, but I am so thankful for God's strength and provision and guidance over these years. It's hard to believe that we're coming up on 4 years; most days it feels like yesterday.

Todd J Radle Memorial

National Institutes of Health

2009-02-18T00:15:00.002-05:00

Remembering Todd's major surgery and last months of struggle battling cancer, I am thanking God for NIH (National Institutes of Health) and all the many, many incredible nurses, doctors, surgeons, and specialists there. I can still see so many of their faces and even hear some voices from the time we spent there. What a remarkable place! If you've never heard of NIH, it is a government-funded research hospital for cancer patients, where they conduct clinical studies and provide special care for these special patients. We were introduced to world reknown scientists and doctors there. We talked with some of the best surgeons in the world, all because Todd's doctor pushed so hard to get him into one of these studies, and of course because of God's direction and intervention in allowing us these privileges. We know it was God who led us there, and we often thanked Him for this awesome experience.

It's difficult to stay for any extended period at NIH. All the patients are battling cancer. Many of the clinical trials have unexpected and expected side-effects that can be devastating to endure. Many survive. Many don't. If you are there for any length of time, you begin to see familiar faces, make new friends, and form a unique bond with patients and visitors alike. During one of Todd's stays at NIH, he had a roommate, Charlie, who left an impression that I will not soon forget. Charlie was 17 years old, had a great smile, loved his family and girlfriend, and knew the pain of cancer. He was going through a clinical trial, the same one Todd was going to take, and literally fighting for his life. It was difficult to watch. It was difficult to hear the moans. They eventually stopped the trial prematurely, against Charlie's wishes. Charlie was a fighter. Yet we never once heard him complain or even question. He had a contagious laugh, and he was always encouraging everyone around him. Always hopeful, always cheerful...Charlie was by far the best room mate Todd ever had (in any hospital). For many, cancer cannot be stopped, and Charlie passed away in October of 2005.

NIH opened our eyes to a whole different world. Cancer sucks. I hate it. But tonight I am thankful for NIH and for the many who work there caring for these cancer patients. Tonight I am again thanking God for the National Institutes of Health and for Charlie.

I want a puppy!

2009-02-12T16:18:00.002-05:00

After seeing this picture my brother sent and holding a friend's puppy this week, I think I have puppy fever!!!

Esther's Story

2009-02-05T15:00:00.003-05:00

I've been studying the story of Esther for the 4 and 5 year old Sunday School class, and I'm repeatedly reminded of how God can use us/her when we continue to trust Him...no matter what. Esther's faith was amazing. I'm learning so much, and I thought this was one of those familiar, easy-to-tell Bible stories! It will be a challenge to express these things to four and five year olds, but I'm looking forward, again, to how God will work out those details this Sunday.

The story of Esther was Todd's favorite. He loved that book in the Bible and was fascinated with the story. He talked often about it. After his surgery, unfortunately his thinking had changed and many times this would make him appear almost childlike in his requests and questions. When our pastor came to visit him one time, he asked Todd what passage of Scripture was Todd's favorite, so that he could read it for him (Todd had lost part of his vision from a stroke he suffered during surgery). Todd immediately said, "Esther!" Our pastor asked what part of Esther, and Todd said the whole thing! I felt so badly for our pastor, who spent nearly 45 minutes reading to Todd that precious story. Todd was so thankful. I was thankful for our pastor's willingness to sit and read the entire book of Esther to Todd that day. A neat memory, and one I will always cherish.

SNOW!!!

2009-02-03T19:47:00.005-05:00

I love snow. It's so quiet, peaceful, and pure. Well, until the kids and the dog get into it. But anyway, I hope you enjoy these as much as I do!

Two Kids in Braces!

2009-01-31T21:17:00.002-05:00

Yes, this week both Tiffany and Winter got braces. I'm very fortunate to have an orthodonist who appreciates large families and offers family discounts, as these are our third and fourth patients for him! I'm also fortunate that neither one of them are complaining at all! I hope it's not because they are in too much pain to talk, but I don't think so. They're doing great! The down-side is trying to save the pudding and yogurt and ice-cream for them. The older ones that have "been there done that" have plenty of advice, but mostly are just torturing them. This should prove to be an interesting few months.

Grief Share

2009-01-26T19:21:00.003-05:00

Ever hear of this program? I've been privileged to attend some of their meetings, and I have been so blessed. If anyone has experienced the loss of a loved one, I encourage you to see if there is a group that meets near you. It is a faith-based, Christ-centered program that is meant to help one not only survive their grief experience, but to grow through it. I have learned so much.

The Grief Share website can give you more info: http://www.griefshare.org/

I thought I would begin sharing some of my Grief Share experience. One of the first things I learned with Grief Share was not to run or ignore or numb the pain I feel. Acknowledge it and go through it, leaning on God for your strength, is what the "professionals" said. I found when the pain came, it felt unbearable for me, so I would busy myself with other things (the children) and try to ignore the pain. It hurt too much. A good friend reminded me of the ocean and the waves again. When the waves come, what do I do? I lean into them and that's exactly what I need to do with the pain. As my friend noted, "Turn your back, lean into it, and find that God will carry you through."

It's a good lesson. I'm still learning. It hurts.

More to come...

My brother, the author

2009-01-26T19:16:00.003-05:00

Yes, my brother is very excited about his latest writing for the "Paws4Prisons" program. My brother is an inmate in WV and has been chosen to participate in this program. He was excited about that, but now he's excited about writing for the program. Here's his first blog writing: http://www.freewebs.com/paws4prisons/campnewsviews.htm

Anyway, just thought I would share his excitement with everyone. I'm proud of him, too! He did well.

Student of the Month...

2009-01-26T19:12:00.002-05:00

This was an easy one. Tiffany has to be my student of the month. Today I saw her report card and it was all A's!!! She's taking advanced courses, and how in the world did she get a 100% in French II?? wooooo hooooo!! I'm so proud of Tiff. She works hard every day with her school work....definitely my Student of the Month for January!

too funny

2009-01-21T19:46:00.003-05:00

We received a card from Comcast after recently switching to another company. The kids and I got a good laugh out of this. It's just too funny:

The top part says, Without you...

...the neighborhood just isn't the same for us.

Dear Todd Radle,
Just a note to tell you that we're sorry about losing you as a customer. If there's anything we can do to get you back, we're just a phone call away.
Your Friends at Comcast
1-800-COMCAST

If only it were that simple...

The Picture

2009-01-16T16:45:00.003-05:00

This family picture was taken when Winter Hope was 2 1/2 years old. Todd had wanted a family picture taken when Winter turned one, but I refused. This may sound awful, but I couldn't stand the thought of having a family picture hanging on the wall with one of us not here any longer, and in Winter's first year of life, we never knew if she would make it through the next night. (see Weathering Winter for Winter's story)

Todd would often tell me that I needed to trust God, that I needed to allow God to work, and that I needed to accept the reality that Winter may not be here on this earth with us for long. "But if that is going to happen," Todd would say, "it was because it was God's plan, and that would be ok." He wanted a family picture for the memories. I did not want the picture for the same reason. We had a different viewpoint. He already saw the good memories of Winter's life, and I was consumed with the dread of losing her, imagining the bad memories a picture like that would bring for me.

When Winter was 2 and a half, God gave me a peace to have the picture taken. Winter was no longer on an apnea monitor. She was doing well, but not without those occasional "episodes" that would fill us with panic and fear. God was in control. And He still is.

That family picture was the largest we have ever purchased. It still hangs over our fireplace. I'm thankful for the man holding our precious Winter Hope: for his faith, for his trust, and for his love for God. I'm thankful I can look at that picture and know that one day we will all be together again as a family.

I'm also thankful for these 10 years with Winter Hope! Happy Birthday, Winter!!

Happy 10th Birthday, Winter Hope!

2009-01-13T18:08:00.002-05:00

Today Winter Hope turned 10!! As she puts it, she's now in the "double digits!" Happy Birthday, Winter!

Two New Websites!!

2009-01-11T22:53:00.004-05:00

This is not a "normal" post for me. I guess it is more of an advertisement, but I am thrilled to be able to share with you two new websites that God has allowed me to have a small part in creating and getting up on the web!

The first is called, The Christian StandPoint, and is several pastors who have gotten together to let folks know where Christians stand on key issues. Check it out: Christian StandPoint

Another one is a video presentation of the gospel, pure and simple, given by Dr. Allen Griffith. This one is called Christianity Pure & Simple, and can be used as a great tool to help spread the Good News. This is at: Christianity Pure & Simple

Let 2009 be one of opportunity to tell others about Jesus Christ and what the true meaning of "Christianity" is all about! My prayer is that you will use these sites and pass them on to others. Thank you!

Another Year in the Past...

2008-12-31T18:52:00.002-05:00

And another NEW YEAR just ahead! Our family will be entering into our fifth year of living without Todd. That's astounding to me, because I never thought I could make it a day, or even an hour, without him here with us. However, as anyone who is reading this can see, God has proved Himself strong and able to get us through each day. God is here! God has been our provider and our strength.

Looking back, I am humbled and even shocked to think that I have been given the grace to continue raising six children to love God and honor Him. Four teenagers now, two of which are now driving, one in college, and all doing well. I would have told you I couldn't do it, and I could not have, but I am rejoicing in what God has done in my life these years. It's been a struggle, but I am praising Him for His work and continued presence in my and my children's lives.

Looking ahead, I am anxious to see what God will do in our lives. I am hoping for Christ's return this year, yet I am looking to see how and what God will do in and through my life. I wish you all a very happy and blessed New Year. I pray we all grow closer to our God and look for opportunities to serve Him.

H A P P Y N E W Y E A R ! ! !

Happy Birthday Tiffany!

2008-12-27T23:45:00.004-05:00

Tiffany turned 14 years old today. Birthdays are still not "right" without Todd here, but we are learning to celebrate them as best we can. It seems like every December 27th something happens that "out does" Tiff's special day. One year it was my parent's 50th wedding anniversary big party. One year it was everyone getting sick....except Tiff! It always seems to be something. Today was no different. My sister's son had a special wedding reception at their church tonight. He had gotten married in October in Wisconsin, so tonight they had a video of the wedding and a reception that this side of the country could enjoy (those too cheap to travel for the real thing). We planned the day so that Tiff would get most of the attention: we would have an early dinner....her favorite meal....with Granddad and Grandmom, and then sing and cut the cake, then head out to the reception about 45 minutes away. Great. We get ready to sit down to dinner with my parents, and their ride comes! They rushed around, leaving us at the table to eat without them. We decided to wait until later to cut the cake and sing with them. Only problem with that was the length of the video and travel time. We had to come home and get ready for bed! We sang, cut the cake, and ate it without the Grands. It happened again this year. Poor Tiff. Happy Birthday, Tiffany! Here she is at her cousin's wedding reception, smiling like usual! I love this girl!

The Christmas season is just not a good time for a birthday. Todd would know about that, being born on Christmas! Oh well. We tried. The day is nearly over. Praise the Lord for His goodness. One more day done. Trying to get ready for the next one...

Very Special Thanks...

2008-12-23T23:58:00.003-05:00

God continues to bless our family in ways I could never imagine. Today my cousin stopped in and gave us a check from Grace Bible Fellowship Church where he is a deacon. Once again, God's timing was/is perfect. What a blessing just when I was wondering how I was going to feed all the extended family that will be showing up on Christmas! Is God amazing or what?

This evening we attended Fellowship Church, where our family received a huge basket filled with gifts that went above and beyond anyone's expectations for this Christmas! I think Toby's face says it all:

It's hard to believe that there could be a bigger blessing than seeing my children's eyes light up when opening those gifts and hearing their comments of how they couldn't believe how expensive everything was, but there was even more blessing tonight. I was reminded by Pastor John that no matter how difficult the days feel, no matter how much I miss Todd, no matter how many tears I shed, no matter how hopeless I feel, there is so much more that God has GIVEN me. Pastor John reminded us to look at all we HAVE, rather than all we are missing. He reminded us that God has given us so much, including our very salvation from sin and separation from God. I have hope! I have the hope and promise of heaven one day!

I am thanking God for His gift of Jesus and salvation tonight. I am thanking God for my six wonderful, incredible, fantastic children. I am choosing to thank God for all He has blessed me with, rather than going to that familiar pity party and feeling miserable tonight!

My very special thanks to Grace Bible Fellowship, Fellowship Church, and Pastor John with his message of thankfulness for our hope and salvation and many gifts, from God.

Lights and Cookies!

2008-12-21T00:45:00.003-05:00

Tonight the kids and I drove around to look at Christmas lights. We counted how many times we saw the Nativity...five. I can remember when we saw a Nativity on nearly every lawn! Anyway, we had a good time. We found a live nativity at a church nearby, and stopped in for that as well. The kids were a little embarrassed when I pulled in with my lights on and accidentally lit up their shepherds waiting quietly in the darkness until the spotlight shown on them. I didn't realize they were reading the entire Biblical account of Christ's birth and lighting up different areas of the property to show the story....oops. We also tried to walk through the park where all the lights were with different displays, but it was so cold I ended up running with Toby around the inner circle and back to the van. The older ones seemed embarrassed again at us running through the place. Oh well. Toby wanted to run around again, because she missed some displays, but no one would take her...it was just too cold. It wasn't the same as when we did this with Dad, but hey, at least we went this year!

We came home and the girls and I made cookies. They weren't exactly Christmas cookies with cute little cut-outs and fancy decorations, but they were cookies. Not edible, but they were cookies! I tried a new idea I had seen in a magazine. I realized tonight that the picture isn't nearly as good as the real thing in making cookies. The recipe asked for Jolly Rancher candies to be smashed and put in the center of a cookie dough ball. Then bake, and again, the picture looked so yummy! Well, I couldn't even get them off of the pan after the candy melted and acted like cement. The boys tried what I was able to scrape and chisel off of the pan, and one commented it was like fast-drying tasty cement, but they didn't recommend anyone with cavities to try them. Knowing nearly every tooth has a filling in my mouth, I didn't think I should try any, BUT, of course I did anyway. They were right....once I got to the melted candy part, I found it very difficult to chew because my teeth were glued together. Not nice. Not edible! Oh well. Toby wanted to eat them, but I was afraid she wouldn't be able to open her mouth for a month (and she's supposed to sing in the children's choir tomorrow at church). It wasn't the same as when we made Christmas cookies in years past, but hey, at least we made them this year!

We Got Our Christmas Tree!

2008-12-12T01:26:00.002-05:00

...and this year we decided to make it a "Daddy Tree." It is decorated with home-made ornaments from the kids, and things that were special to Todd. I love it. Way to go, kids! I think it looks great!

Christmas

2008-12-08T19:47:00.004-05:00

Repeat...from last year. I love this song. I am praying for God's strength for every day. I don't understand. My heart is hurting. Todd was born on December 25th. It all is mixing together again in a fog of bewilderment, pain, and memories. The memories are good, and I thank God for them. I cherish them. I just wish they didn't hurt so much.

Post Thanksgiving Thoughts

2008-11-29T00:56:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I ate too much, but didn't cook at all. Yesterday my kitchen was more clean AFTER dinner, than it was in the morning. Yesterday I sat on my butt, and even hid in my room for awhile, and didn't feel badly about it at all. Yesterday I was blessed by my sister-in-law (she is welcome here anytime!). :) She came over Wednesday night and early Thursday to prepare a Thanksgiving feast for my kids and for her kids, and everything went perfectly, including my daughter beating her son in checkers 3 times! It was a good day.

I am thankful for a lot of things every day, but living these past years without Todd has made me even more grateful for God. He has been our strength and our hope. I love this verse. Isaiah 41:13 says: For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. God has certainly held me and helped me these years. There are times when I feel like I am going to crumble under the weight of so much responsibility that is left for me in raising these children alone. I could not have asked for a better husband and father to help me; I am thankful for the many, many good memories, but I am also thankful to God for giving me those 17 years with Todd.

Thanks, Kimmie, for a good day yesterday....you're great. You are always welcome here! We love you (not just for your cooking!).

Thanks to God for Todd, and for His salvation and help and strength and love and guidance.

Wendy is...

2008-11-15T14:35:00.003-05:00

...now on facebook. My kids warned me not to do it, but I was trying to get hold of a friend, and got sucked in. In the last couple of weeks, I have been reconnected with childhood friends, friends from high school and college, and family members who I rarely get to see or talk with anymore. It's been quite an experience, but my children were right. It's time-consuming and I'm addicted!

At first I felt overwhelmed with all the people and tried to write to everyone. Now I enjoy just reading how they are doing. Last night I was missing Todd alot, but God showed me that I am not alone here on this earth, even though it feels like it. I am blessed with so many great friends and family. I still feel alone, but I am thanking God for so many dear friends and family! God is good!

Student of the Month: Trina!

2008-11-02T00:50:00.003-04:00

My student of the month for October has to be Trina. She's been helping so much around here, and I rarely hear any complaints from her. She consistently and diligently does her school work, and unfortunately, I hardly even notice. One course that is giving her an especially difficult time is Creative Writing. That's odd, because she LOVES to write. This course, however, has begun with poetry. yuk. She seems to be getting through, but doesn't enjoy that form of writing as much as others (wonder where she gets that from?). Anyway, she usually asks me to go over her work (when I'm not tuned out or when I'm actually focused!), and I am so proud of her. She's doing very well. Often she will write about her Dad. It's difficult to look over those writings, but I love this poem and had to share it with everyone. (it WAS in a form of a smiley face)

My Dad’s Smile

My father
Was my hero. He was
Brave and a very, very strong man
He always knew just what to say to me
I loved him so much, and knew he loved me
He was very smart. Knew everything about life,
friends with everyone, and he was very handsome too

Blue eyes

Round nose
And

HIS SMILE!

My father had a smile. It used to light up a room.
He would smile and make everyone happy.
Even when people were sad, my father
Could make them smile
That was my father.

Too Much!!

2008-10-29T01:00:00.004-04:00

The days have been full and much has been happening. Before too much time passes, I wanted to share how much fun Toby had at her birthday party. She had the biggest smile, and all of her "bestest friends" were there.

We had her party at an indoor soft playground called KidsQuest....the same place we had Trina and Tiff and Winter's 5th bday parties. Everyone had a good time, but I have to say, it was not as fun as the other parties. Todd made those things fun, and without him, there was definitely a big part of Toby's special party missing.

My favorite great nephew had a big birthday party as well. Eban turned one!!! Happy Birthday, Eban! That was a fun party, too, but once again, at least for me, the fun Todd provided was missing. It wasn't easy to see family and friends, hear their conversations, and answer that question, "How are you doing, Wendy?" But it was another great birthday for a great nephew!

This last week I've had some visits from some friends I haven't seen in awhile. Friends are great. Each one brings their own unique personality. Both visitors knew Todd. Both visitors lost their husbands and have children. Both visitors know what loss is and how it feels. Yet every one of us is different. Everyone experiences loss differently. But here's the thing. They appear to be doing so much better than I am. I've come to understand and realize that this ache, deep in my being, may never go away until heaven. Yet these dear friends are living through that ache. They are embracing life and even enjoying it. I'm not there yet. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong in this process, but nothing seems to be working. Life is not fun anymore. I feel like I hurt more with each new day, each step I take, everything we do.

I am thankful for friends. I am especially thankful for these friends and for their faith in our good God. I am learning that each circumstance and each personality and each life is different, but God is the same. He is our comfort. He is our strength. He is good. By His grace and His strength, I hope one day soon to be able to experience life again as Todd and I did together. Some day...

Thomas Paine on the 2nd Revolution!

2008-10-24T17:22:00.001-04:00

October 19th Toby turned 5!

2008-10-21T09:42:00.002-04:00

Five years old. She had a good day. My thoughts on all the events this past weekend are jumbled, so I'll try to write more later. I still can't believe our baby is 5. Happy Birthday Toby Faith!

Adventurous Weekend!

2008-10-13T16:08:00.007-04:00

"Adventure" is really the only word I could think of for the past 3 days here at the "Radle Ranch," as Todd used to call our family. Saturday we enjoyed a Military Helicopter Airshow. For me, it was loud, crowded, and confusing. The older kids really liked it. Toby and Winter were tired, hot, thirsty, and hungry. When first arriving, we were met by two military guards who kindly instructed us to turn around because we had gone to the wrong entrance. I always feel conspicuous in our large, red van. I feel like we are bigger than we really are, and that everyone is staring at the largeness and redness of our vehicle. Todd liked that. I hate it. So when we pulled into the proper parking area for the show, the parking attendants seemed puzzled at where to "send" us. The lot and the fields were full. One of them said, "Sorry, you're on your own," and the other, farther into one of the fields, began waving his hands and jumping, pointing to a place he had found for us. We inched slowly towards him, and he ran excitedly ahead of us, leading us to some empty spots. But he had other plans. He directed me like an airplane pilot further into the field. He kept backing up, further and further. He pointed in the direction he wanted me to turn the wheels, and proceeded until we were parked in the middle of the field! Seriously. Were we really that big? The kids were laughing. As I stopped and turned off the engine, the attendant explained, "You're fine here, no one will bother you." Don't you think? The rest of the time there was a blur for me. I began following Nathan, who finally said he was following me. That was the reason for the initial confusion. We were relieved to find familiar faces in the crowd, and stood with them for what seemed like hours, until Toby finally got my attention with "I want to go home." That sounded good to me. We walked up to see some more helicopters on display, then headed to the parking area. Nathan commented how he could see our van from on the hill, nearly 1/2 a mile away! ugh. At least we could find it easily.

Today we visited the Philadelphia Zoo, a place we have been many times before and one of everyone's favorite. Todd and I discovered after only having 3 children, that it was well worth it to become a member as far as cost and admission. We did not think there would be very many heading for the zoo today, but we were wrong. We had to park at the opposite end of the zoo, and walk to the entrance. Toby enjoyed this rather long walk as a time to wave to every passing car. I noticed that Philadelphians are not very happy people. Who wouldn't take time to smile and wave back to an adorable almost 5 year old little girl on her way to the zoo? Apparently no one. That didn't stop her from continuing to wave, however. She was happy to wave to the monkeys as well, even though they never returned the favor either. She waved to the alligator, which I'm thankful for not waving back. The giraffes had to be our favorite exhibit this time, as the tigers were sleeping, the gorillas were hiding, and the polar bears finished swimming. The zoo has a new giraffe from Texas, named Gus. We could tell which one was Gus without even asking....he looked like a Texan giraffe. Don't ask me how I know this, I just do. A zoo keeper was shoveling hay into a bin way up in a branch of a tree. When he came out with some fresh branches to stick in the fencing around the tree, the giraffes followed him. That was pretty interesting. Actually, that was our highlight of the day. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it was pretty cool.

So there you have it: two adventures in 3 days for us! Not bad. I wish I could say the more we do, the easier it gets. Unfortunately, that's not happening. Maybe some day it will. Right now it still makes me miss Todd. I am thanking God for the safety He provided on our adventures, and also for the courage to get through the days. God is good!

Here's Winter "enjoying" the Helicopter Show!

Ahhhh, familiar faces and friends (at the Air Show)

Our last stop before home...Toby's happy!

Polar bear....not swimming!

Mama bear and some of her cubs

And finally, Gus, the Texan Giraffe!